Best way to manage household expenses?

74jax

maman said:

I'm getting very confused here. If you have the relatively low paid job you've implied, how can you afford to run a large family home independently with only a contribution to school fees from your husband? . We must be talking about huge relative incomes here which makes the discussion about how to live together and sort out the finances far more about attitudes to work and your overall relationship than how to make ends meet. If you're earning enough to pay for a large family home for you and your son then this discussion isn't about money. 

I think the op has said either on here or another past, it's not really the amount of money, more her husband thinks she should be earning more, even though she doesn't need too.
She said it wouldn't matter how much it was, he's very much striving for 'more'. 

Fireflyaway

74jax - yes that's correct. The reason I'm reluctant to change to a better paid job is because I know it would cause stress and in my opinion we don't 'need' the money so I don't think the added stress would be warranted. 
Our house isn't big, I just meant it's bigger and more expensive to run than the flat my husband is in. Don't get me wrong, I'm only just managing (which I'm proud of) but do manage without my husband contributing to the household bills. My husband doesn't want me to earn more because we are struggling, more because he thinks I'm not earning to my potential and he feels some pressure being the higher earner. We have different attitudes that's for sure. My husband is ambitious and work is a big part of his identity. I'm happy to cover the bills, have a bit left and do without the stress. 

Emmia

Fireflyaway said:

74jax - yes that's correct. The reason I'm reluctant to change to a better paid job is because I know it would cause stress and in my opinion we don't 'need' the money so I don't think the added stress would be warranted. 
Our house isn't big, I just meant it's bigger and more expensive to run than the flat my husband is in. Don't get me wrong, I'm only just managing (which I'm proud of) but do manage without my husband contributing to the household bills. My husband doesn't want me to earn more because we are struggling, more because he thinks I'm not earning to my potential and he feels some pressure being the higher earner. We have different attitudes that's for sure. My husband is ambitious and work is a big part of his identity. I'm happy to cover the bills, have a bit left and do without the stress. 

It strikes me from your posts on this lengthy thread that you and your husband have quite (potentially stubbornly) differing views on this (pretty important) matter... I therefore wonder if you will ever get back to being in one household, under the same roof. 

maman

Emmia said:

It strikes me from your posts on this lengthy thread that you and your husband have quite (potentially stubbornly) differing views on this (pretty important) matter... I therefore wonder if you will ever get back to being in one household, under the same roof. 

I agree. I think the differences go well beyond the respective earnings and working hours. Those are just the outcomes. Differing attitudes to work, even attitudes to life are very much harder to reconcile than something as simple as budgets. 

Fireflyaway

I can see your point. It's funny that it was never an issue until recently. There was a time when we didn't have much money and we didn't really argue about it. I think it could be because private school was first brought up by me, my husband thinks I should be doing more to contribute to this new expense. Ummm I think that's probably it you know. Think I've been a bit slow to catch into it!  Since we have been apart we have discovered new skills. My husband now enjoys cooking and I'm much better organised financially. I think some positives have come about which will help if we do get back together.

Savvy_Sue

I think you might want to have at least a mental deadline for various things. I do appreciate that with depression it can be very hard to do things for yourself, but at the end of the day if he doesn't do them for himself, you can't do it all for him. 

So I think I saw you'd contacted someone about online counselling: how long are you prepared to wait for him to take this up, or not. 

Fireflyaway

Yes. I have been thinking how long is a reasonable time to allow him to take steps before realising it's probably healthier to move on. The tenancy he signed is one year. I would be disappointed if he signed for a further year unless he had started to make real progress. I know he can't work out or swim. I know he cant hang out with colleagues or visit his mum, all of which are making him feel worse.  We can't meet for coffee or go to the cinema so we have been unable to spend time together to build up our relationship. I'm taking all this into consideration. He did tell me he doesn't want it to drag on. His words were he is 44 and living alone in a flat and that's not what he wants. 
I booked a telephone counselling session for tomorrow. He said he will do it but disappointingly he said he didn't think counselling was effective, despite telling me previously he thought it was! Yesterday he wanted to die, today he feels a bit better but tomorrow it could be anything. He is so up and down. 
I've made it clear that I care and I'm here for support. I hope he will perk up once he can get out and about but I realise I can't cure him.