Best way to manage household expenses?

Fireflyaway

Reflecting on how our finances have changed, I think my husband just assumed that I would increase my salary through qualifications and promotions once I started working full time again. We never really discussed it. Unfortunately I've never had a career, just a series of jobs, so it's not realistic that my salary is ever going to be decent unless I make big changes. There are not many jobs in our town so it would mean travelling to find a better paid job. If we were struggling financially I'd maybe more open to making sacrifices. I worked full time immediately after our child was born because I earned a bit more back then and my husband worked 2 days a week, so it's not as though I'm lazy or choosing to be a kept women. My husband would chose money to buy clothes etc whereas I'd choose time to not be so stressed. Private school was my suggestion because the schools where we are are not great. My husband left it to me to do the research etc and was happy to go down that route. However he has thrown it back at me during arguments. I think he feels a certain amount of pressure because if he lost his job for example he couldn't count on me for financial back up. 

eamon

I think that you have more questions re your family, husband, you, your children,now & future than figuring out the answers to your household budget is going to solve. 

Fireflyaway

Yes that's true. There are lots of problems and finances being one, I thought I'd get some ideas from how other people manage household expenses. However I know even the best plan isn't going to help if there are other issues to argue about. 

eamon

There I was hoping that you wouldn't be agreeing with me. From an outsiders pov getting to grip with the household finances (i.e. understanding all the flows throughout your household and not passing any judgement on one or more aspects) is no bad thing and may open more avenues for discussion in your household.

maman

I think you are listening very calmly to advice OP. That's commendable.
Although your thread is ostensibly about family finances, it's obviously linked to so many other aspects. From reading your posts, it seems that you've prioritised your health and wellbeing above the potential stresses of studying and making a more equal financial contribution to the family finances. Also your DH has had to compensate for this, not least because your ongoing commitment to school fees. I understand this but what's far more important is whether your husband understand/agrees/sympathises/supports. 

I don't want to be harsh but I think you said you are about 40 years old. That means you have about 25-30 years of working life ahead. If you should split up from your husband over this (or anything else) then with your child with just about 4 years left at school you'd have to support yourself without his help. It's something to think about. 

Emmia

From my reading your husband does seem to be bearing a financial load, whilst you sail along stress free but probably still enjoying the benefits of the money he brings in.

I appreciate you don't want to push forward, earn more money etc. But taking steps in that direction so you're able to offer some backup may make your husband happier, and will mean you're personally more fiancially resilient / independent if your marriage does fail. 

Spendless

Even if you wanted to, could you 'just' find yourself a better paid job? Haven't you said you live in an area where there aren't a lot of higher paid jobs? Wouldn't you need to re-train or get higher qualifications than you currently have first? Wouldn't this take you a few years to do (and possibly until the school fee paying days were over anyway). Would you be able to re-train/study and work your current f-time job too? If you couldn't, wouldn't this mean less money into the household for the next few years. If you could do both at once, would you husband be happy that you will be less time rich for that duration and that your current household dynamics would have to change (eg he might have to do some of the tasks you currently do or buy paid support in). 
All this needs exploring.

seven-day-weekend

We have a bank account (joint) for Direct Debits which all our income goes into.  Then some comes out for personal spends (£40 a month each plus my weightwatchers charges for me) and some into savings.  Some is also budgeted for vehicles, garden and holidays.  Everything that comes in is ours, regardless of whose name is on it, and everything that goes out is ours, regardless of the source, unless it is our personal spends. We have various bank accounts, like money boxes, for these things, with either his or my name on.  My husband also sells his  paintings which he adds to his personal money, that is fair enough by me, he has done the work!  

We are both pensioners now but have always done the same since we got married 49 years ago.  Sometimes he has put more in, sometimes I have (usually him though), and sometimes there has been hardly anything to go in from either of us!  But we have always done it the same, except at one time we could not budget for the garden or holidays.

Hope this helps.

Fireflyaway

Thanks everyone. At present I feel being there for our child before and after school is really important. Travelling to a job further away would impact on this. I think seeing my husband struggle with depression has made me really want to prioritize my health and not risk going the way he has. My autism means I really find work stressful as it is. Once school fees are finished, if my pay stays the same we should have around  £3500 disposable income a month after bills. Obviously costs might go up but even so I think that's enough. I'd be fine for my husband to work less hours and our income decrease if it meant he was happier. It's a fact that a lack of money can cause a lot of stress but if the bills are paid and there's a bit left over I think it's enough. 
I understand the point about being able to support myself. I am practicing at the moment because we are separated. It's tight but I'm doing ok. We have the bills paid and food to eat. If we did get divorced I'd move to a cheaper place. My working the jobs I have might mean i am not bringing much into the household but it's probably saved thousands in childcare. It's also meant my husband has never had to cook or clean and has been collected from the station rather than get the bus! Maybe I'm looking at this from the wrong angle but I thought I was helping in non financial ways. I think my husband resents the fact he gets stressed by work and I dont. He chose that path though. I still would have married him if he worked in a factory.

comeandgo

Reading your last entry it reads to me that you are not taking into account your husband is under stress and you could help reduce this by getting a better paid job.  You mention watching his depression means you don't want to go the same way but surely there is more you could do to help him reduce his hours.