Best way to manage household expenses?

Fireflyaway

Getmore4less, thank you. I think it's really become apparent now that we didn't budget properly. We put in regular household bills but anything extra such as holidays, school trips, even car repairs, we just dealt with when it came up. Then because my husband has a higher income it always tell on him to pay. I can see now how he just have felt as though he was not only paying the larger portion of the bills but having to step in and cover everything else. We need more catergories. 
Maybe I'm stubborn but I still can't see how me working a higher paid job would be beneficial. I'm happy work wise for the first time ever. I can now to go the gym, clean and cook without feeling stressed, be home when our child gets home from school and be home for our puppy. Chances are getting a higher paid job would mean I'd be working in an office somewhere which would then negatively impact on all the above. Yes we might have more money but I think new stresses would emerge.  
I think it's also highlighted my husband also needs to be involved in decisions. He has left many decisions to me in the past, saying he trusts my choices. However he has then been known to complain. For example I bought a car ( he doesn't drive) that I thought was nice for commuting to work ( when I worked in an office) but he has complained since that it's too small. I viewed our last house without him. The first time he saw it was when we got the keys! Fortunately it was rented so not such a massive deal but he didn't like the living room. It's nice that he trusts me but it puts unfair pressure on me to 'get it right'. Going forward we need to make joint decisions.

dutchcloggie

Kathy535 said:

We work out how much comes in each month and what % we both pay in (it’s a 67:33% split). Then we work out the household bills (we pay our own phones, gym membership, car insurance, bills that don’t benefit the household) plus 10% contingency.  We both pay in the % we bring into the household into a joint account.  That way, we both have our own spending money but the higher earner has more spends, because they earn more.  If we want to treat ourselves/ each other we can.

Over the years the % has changed, we’ve made allowances for my children, for his working away (and me doing more of the non work work), for me being away (and him doing more of the non work work). Basically, as long as you are both content with your split then it’s fine, there’s no right way. 

Bit late to this but this is exactly how I have always done it. Contribute to ability and split the percentage evenly.  
Add up all the bills (which in your case would include childcare, schooling and whatever else is a fixed thing) and then find an acceptable division of that figure. Then you pay according to means. That way, you can spend the money left on whatever you want as it is yours.  
As to who pays for a family meal out, that depends. If there is enough money left over in the joint account, maybe the joint account pays for it. Otherwise, it is something to discuss before going out for dinner.

maman

dutchcloggie said:

Bit late to this but this is exactly how I have always done it. Contribute to ability and split the percentage evenly.  
Add up all the bills (which in your case would include childcare, schooling and whatever else is a fixed thing) and then find an acceptable division of that figure. Then you pay according to means. That way, you can spend the money left on whatever you want as it is yours.  
As to who pays for a family meal out, that depends. If there is enough money left over in the joint account, maybe the joint account pays for it. Otherwise, it is something to discuss before going out for dinner.

I'm sure this is a perfectly acceptable solution for many people but OP has explained, and others have inferred,  that there's more to this than the arithmetic of how to manage the finances . 

OP says she chooses to earn less in order to have a low stress way of living, provide after school childcare for a 14 year old etc.

Fireflyaway

I think the percentage thing could work. The main issue is probably tackling any feelings of resentment or annoyance! My husband wants me to earn more. I want my husband to work less!  I've been thinking that if I said to my husband you know what, if it makes you happy I will take on a better paid job, would the change be a positive one? Ok we would have a bit more money, maybe £400 a month more if I score really lucky but I know I'd be exhausted and stressed. I'd also not be able to exercise before work or be here for the dog or our child after school / during holidays ( because I work from home currently). I'm just convinced that by upping my salary I'd be exchanging one issue for another. I do want to please my husband but also look after my own wellbeing. I know I'd never ask him to earn more if it compromised his wellbeing. I also think the fact that I did everything else (cooking, cleaning, shopping, driving, gardening, admin) sort of made up for it. By doing all those things my husband had more time to concentrate on his career.

AdamSmith20

Marvel1 said:

Fireflyaway said:

I think I'm leaning towards B. If we don't touch my salary at all, we might be more inclined not to dip into it? 
Finally, what do you think is a reasonable amount of spending money each per month? I don't want to be too stingy but I do want us to save as much as possible. 

What does your husband think?

My thoughts exactly

Mojisola

Fireflyaway said:

I've been thinking that if I said to my husband you know what, if it makes you happy I will take on a better paid job, would the change be a positive one?

I also think the fact that I did everything else (cooking, cleaning, shopping, driving, gardening, admin) sort of made up for it.

By doing all those things my husband had more time to concentrate on his career.

As well as letting your husband progress in his career instead of, for example, having to take off to share the childcare, your unpaid work has saved loads of money.

As well as looking at how much extra money you might be able to bring in, price up the cost of replacing your work at home - childcare, a cleaner and maybe a gardener - you could actually be financially worse off as well as more stressed.

Also set out how much more he will have to do when you're both sharing the household chores and childcare.

Fireflyaway

AdamSmith20 said:

Marvel1 said:

Fireflyaway said:

I think I'm leaning towards B. If we don't touch my salary at all, we might be more inclined not to dip into it? 
Finally, what do you think is a reasonable amount of spending money each per month? I don't want to be too stingy but I do want us to save as much as possible. 

What does your husband think?

My thoughts exactly

Being totally honest ( or the advice I'm going to receive is sort of irrelevant) what my husband thinks changes sometimes! He definitely wants to find a way of managing the finances that works better than it has been, so we agree on that. What has changed is his view on my working. Until our child started secondary school I worked part time and there were no issues. It's only since secondary school started that he sometimes raised concerns. At one point he told me his dream would be to earn enough one day to be able to support us financially and me not to have to work at all. Then on other occasions he has said I should earn just enough to cover school fees. Then another time he got annoyed because my new job pays less than my old one. He also said a couple of times that he would be happy to let me cut down my hours but would expect in return that I 'look after myself'. Not sure how I feel about that! Sort of like I'm earning time off by looking good! I do see though that it means a lot to him that I look nice and if he is helping me by allowing me to work less, he expects me to return the favor by looking nice. I suppose it's mutual respect. 

[Deleted User]

I’m prepared to be shot down in flames here but... you don’t earn much, you want an easy life as you don’t want your mental health to be impacted....your estranged husbands MH is tho...he’s paying for your daughters private schooling, which was your choice .can you not see the pressure you are putting on him?

Fireflyaway

[Deleted User], thanks for your comments. I wouldn't shoot you down with flames. Maybe a crossbow..... No not at all! Ha ha!  I appreciate everyone's comments and it's great to have other people's take on things. My husband became depressed before our child was even born. Private school was my suggestion because I have an understanding of the schools in our area where as he doesn't. However he agreed, I didn't pressure him. His response was that as long as we could afford it without having to lower our standard of living it was ok with him. Paying for schooling hasn't caused us to struggle financially so I don't believe that's contributing to his depression. If I know that changing jobs could well cause me stress, I don't see how it would be helpful to do so. If I were unemployed or working part time I'd understand I could do more but I am working full time. At present id say I'm under more financial stress than he is. He has a flat with only himself to support where as I have to run a larger family home, car, and support pets and a teenager.
When my husband transfers money for school I thank him and his response is always ' don't be silly x is my son, it's my job'. 
Going forward I am planning to be more careful with my income so I can treat us to the odd meal out or treat. Even taking on a small financial transaction would probably show my husband he is not going it alone.

maman

I'm getting very confused here. If you have the relatively low paid job you've implied, how can you afford to run a large family home independently with only a contribution to school fees from your husband? . We must be talking about huge relative incomes here which makes the discussion about how to live together and sort out the finances far more about attitudes to work and your overall relationship than how to make ends meet. If you're earning enough to pay for a large family home for you and your son then this discussion isn't about money.