Best way to manage household expenses?

Fireflyaway

I'm of the opinion that we have enough money. Even if I earned more I really don't see that it would reduce my husband's stress. It's not uncommon for him to leave for work at 6am and get back after 8pm. He has even worked through the night before, worked weekends and lived away from home for a job a few years back. Even if I earned 1m a year he would still do that. He works hard because he is very ambitious and driven, not because we are struggling to pay the bills. Only he can reduce the stress by cutting back. I'd happily live off less money if he cut his hours and it meant he was less stressed. I question if money really is the issue but more he resents feeling stressed sometimes when I'm not. As though it would be fairer if we both struggled. We are not rich by any means but I think we are cmfortable. I'd rather be happy together than him die young before he gets to enjoy life. 

KxMx

You've expressed your feelings and thoughts really well, have you said all of that to him, and then listened to his point of view? 

Fireflyaway

I have but he just says he doesn't think I should be earning what I am. it's too little in his opinion. Particularly as I dropped salaries twice in a row. I was in a job that made me so unhappy. I was signed off with stress and I left quickly ( I was going to be fired it I didn't resign)  so had to take whatever I could and unfortunately it paid less. That was a fix term contract and when it ended my new job paid less again. However not having to pay for travel to get there means I'm not actually down on money. It works out the same. 

Emmia

Fireflyaway said:

I have but he just says he doesn't think I should be earning what I am. it's too little in his opinion. Particularly as I dropped salaries twice in a row. I was in a job that made me so unhappy. I was signed off with stress and I left quickly ( I was going to be fired it I didn't resign)  so had to take whatever I could and unfortunately it paid less. That was a fix term contract and when it ended my new job paid less again. However not having to pay for travel to get there means I'm not actually down on money. It works out the same. 

But does it? Things like pension contributions are usually a percentage of salary - the higher the salary, the higher the value of the contributions. The issue for your husband is that he'd rather you brought home £2.5k a month with £500 of travel costs, than £2k a month with no travel costs - even though the money in your pocket is the same... For you it isn't important, but for him it is...

Fireflyaway

Yes Emmia you are correct that he sees the take home pay figure more than me. I'm not enrolled in a pension though. However I have seen a few jobs that I liked the look of that pay more. When I mentioned it to my husband he wasn't keen because it involved travel / overnight stays. I'd like to earn more, who wouldn't, but I have to be realistic. I can't create the perfect job, I like everyone have to take what is available.

Lumiona

We have the one pot system. Keeps it very simple.All wages go in 20th and 28th, all DDs come out 28th. Any left over goes to joint savings other than a £50 buffer.

It works for us this way because we've both been the higher earner at one time or had reduced income due to mat leave or redundancy.

All spends are on a joint card paid in full by the DDs above. We spend differently, he does big purchases every few months and I spend a bit every month but it evens out. 

veim

We used to work it whereby OH would deduct own bills each month then hand me the rest.  That was ok in theory but if I heard “I give you all my money each month” one more time I was going to choke OH with it! Best add OH is a smoker so I’d moan when more cigarettes are to be bought I also found myself constantly skint (wonder why?!) Now all bills and anything to do with the kids are split 50:50. I let OH know how much to transfer each month - only time it would change is when bills increase. We are 5 months into the new arrangement and I wish we done it this way years ago.  I have a little savings pot for the first time in my life and that makes me feel like a grown up  and OH has finally given up that filthy habit. 

OH wasn’t impressed at only having £10 left in the bank each month. Thankfully realised what an expensive habit it was.

Fireflyaway

Interesting veim. My husband smokes too and I used to feel a bit annoyed about cigarettes coming out of the household budget. However he was contributing more to the budget than me. I am starting to think we at least need more categories in the budget, entertainment being one. Then there is no feeling that the burden is all on my husband or I feel inadequate. Separate spending money too. I don't mind if he has more but I think it needs to be seperate. As much as my husband is the higher earner, I think he has taken a back seat in managing the budget which makes him feel able to criticise me if things so 'wrong '.  Ie I miscalculated something or there was an unexpected bill etc. I don't think I should carry that burden so we will look at the budget together going forward. 

getmore4less

Read up to the 17May and the core problem is you don't budget(properly) it may have been covered but let say it anyway.
A budget is planning ahead what you want to spend your money on.
If you sit down together add up all your income for 12 months then allocate it to the things you want till it runs out.
if not enough money to do everything prioritise you will get a much clearer picture of what to do.
(you can stick longer term saving in their as well)
Times are a little different so you may need to think about a normal year and a covid year.
One strategy that can be very helpful is to do a review of a previous 12 months count up all your income and see where it went and then ask yourself what could we have done wit the £XXX we spent on .... 
I would use either Jan -Dec 2019 or April-March, ding JUne to May will be a bit skewed because of Covid.

There are loads of tools to help with this but a simple spreadsheet or the SOA format is a good start.
https://www.lemonfool.co.uk/financecalculators/soa.php
the important part is the categories you need to get the financial picture of your life.

getmore4less

One key point about the budget(planing) is you discuss what you want to spend on and come to some agreement before the money is spent.
Having gone through the priority of everything you get to understand what is important to both of you and each of you.
Where a lot of high earners go wrong is they have enough so just spend and save the rest without thinking about the value and if they analysed what else they could do.
once you know where all your money goes you can review the value of each one and look for better options.

With the OH and the stress even if self inflicted by the ambition I agree with others what can you do to take on some of that,
The I don't want to end up like that approach does not work, especially if you push a solution(like cutting back) that is not going to work, in many jobs cutting back can make the situation worse.