Best way to manage household expenses?

strawb_shortcake

It is really hard to work out what to do, we've lived nearly the last 17 years on one wage, whether it's been me or my Husband at work I look after all the money. I've worked the last 10 years, my Husband worked very part time for two years but the wages just went into the pot and I carried on buying his tobacco at the time. He occasionally had a bit extra through car boot sales or selling comics and that was his to do with as he liked. 
Prior to this he paid pretty much everything and I paid groceries, TV licence and phone as the latter two he would have gone without. Though it was a very difficult time and we weren't good with money.

He's going to Uni in September for 4 years and I've no idea how it'll work when he eventually goes back to work, we may have one child at uni and one in secondary school at this time. 

He can be quite old fashioned and it took him a long time to be more comfortable with it me paying for the house, he has suggested he'll give me either 50% of the bills or his wages whichever is larger.

I'm very cautious with money to the point that I can get a bit panicky about paying out large sums, whereas if my Husband has it he'll spend it. 
But we are both certain on the mortgage being our only debt. 

Fireflyaway

I can see how changes in circumstances can be unsettling on finances. Especially if it's not a subject you like to discuss, it might be easier to avoid! When my husband and I first me we had similar incomes and not that much money but few arguments about finances. Now we have more money but he earns more than I do and I may be wrong but I feel he doesn't believe im pulling my weight. I think he thinks I should be earning more. Of course id like to earn more but I'm not qualified to. Simply demanding to be paid more doesn't work! It's something we need to discuss because I could be wrong. I just feel he thinks I'm not helping us go forward financially. Probably partly true but I don't want a stressful worklife. I've seen how it's destroyed my husband's work life balance and I'd rather have happiness over money / job title. 

Spendless

Fireflyaway said:

 We put off things off all the time. I think if we have a clear goal and a timeframe then we will be more motivated to save. If it takes 3 years I'm ok with that if I know we are making progress, but I think my husband will see it as just too long and it might cause him to give up.  

Would it help if you gave your goal timeframe as 2 years to initially review the situation with the option to extend to a futher 2 years if you've not saved enough by this point. This would take you over the school fee paying years and reviewing as sixth form options came along. As you'd know what date GCSEs and Sixth form would be finished you would have clear dates in your mind from the beginning.

maman

Fortunately DH and I have similar ambition, qualifications and incomes but I can see that if there's a mismatch there it could lead to resentment.

I understand that you value a low stress job and are willing to take the lower pay that goes with it but if you made that choice unilaterally then I can empathise with your husband. 

I agree you need a plan to move ahead with but it has to be something you both agree to. Perhaps you spending less than him (as you do) is enough of a compromise to you earning less IYSWIM. Do you think perhaps he indulges in 'retail therapy' to cope with his demanding job? 

Spendless

Fireflyaway said:

I can see how changes in circumstances can be unsettling on finances. Especially if it's not a subject you like to discuss, it might be easier to avoid! When my husband and I first me we had similar incomes and not that much money but few arguments about finances. Now we have more money but he earns more than I do and I may be wrong but I feel he doesn't believe im pulling my weight. I think he thinks I should be earning more. Of course id like to earn more but I'm not qualified to. Simply demanding to be paid more doesn't work! It's something we need to discuss because I could be wrong. I just feel he thinks I'm not helping us go forward financially. Probably partly true but I don't want a stressful worklife. I've seen how it's destroyed my husband's work life balance and I'd rather have happiness over money / job title. 

We have a similar situation in that my husband earns a great deal more than me. This also wasn't the case when we met. My husband's career started taking off when I was heavily pregnant with our eldest (now 20) and then rocketed a few years later with a different company.
It doesn't bother either of us. My husband recognises that he would never had made a name for himself if he hadn't been able to work long hours, inc overnight every week, work all over the country and attend conferences abroad in both Europe and America. He knows that at the point we had children he couldn't have done any of those things if he'd been responsible for even 50% of childcare.  I also couldn't have taken up a job with similar demands even if I'd done the qualifications to go with it, because it simply wouldn't have been practical to family life.
Did you say you were going to counselling? This may be something that needs to be explored with them.

SootySweep1

Hi
I've read some of this thread but not all of it so apologies if I've missed something but for me you you are worrying about %'s & who pays how much too much. What you bring to a relationship isn't just about the money !
I earn a reasonable income but my husband does earn more. We've got two children & I've always made sure that my job is close to home so I could get back for the children. Me being able to pick up from nursery / school gave him alot more flexibility but to progress but hindered me. I'm not complaining because it's worked for us as a family.
You don't sound like you're struggling to pay your bill's? Decide on a monthly amount for bills & then an amount for savings, holidays etc & then split the rest.
Personally we have a joint current account & credit card. We don't have monthly spends for each of us so everything comes out the joint account. That works for us because we have a very similar attitude to money & we are honest about what we spend.
Jen

maman

That's interesting spendess. Your situation used to be quite common but maybe changing now that many women have equal or better qualifications, and resulting earning power and attitudes to work, as their partners.

What mattters IMO is if it's discussed and agreed between couples if/when a decision is taken to have a family. How will they manage the drop in earnings and childcare and for how long. If that doesn't happen then it can lead to resentment.

A couple I know dropped their income to have a child. He upped his workload to compensate and 15 years later!!! was still doing the same because the wife was enjoying the lifestyle of a 'lady what lunches' and only took a little P/T job eventually. It caused huge strain on the relationship. ☹️

Fireflyaway

Thanks everyone. Yes I like the idea of reviewing the house deposit in 2 years. 2 years doesn't sound as daunting and if we don't have school fees at that point we could maybe save for another year to boost the deposit but also enjoy some nice holidays or something. 
When we met we both had unskilled jobs so neither of us had expectations that the other would one day earn a decent wage. My husband wasn't paid well but he worked hard and that's what I admired. I'm very proud that he changed his path, gained qualifications and progressed his professional life and income but I never once said I would do the same. I worked part time for 12 years so I could do the school run and I did everything around the house so that he could concentrate on work. I don't have the capacity to earn well. I am not qualified and at the age of 40 don't really fancy years of study ( I don't even know what I would study). I also have Autism and find work very stressful and exhausting.  I do now work full time and there is a lower salary limit I wouldn't go below. To make a difference in our income I'd probably have to earn at least £400 more a month. My last job cost me £200 a month in petrol  whereas I now work from home. I now have time to clean, time for the gym and I'm home for our child after school. The reduction in stress is worth more to me than £200 extra pay.

Spendless

maman said:

That's interesting spendess. Your situation used to be quite common but maybe changing now that many women have equal or better qualifications, and resulting earning power and attitudes to work, as their partners.

What mattters IMO is if it's discussed and agreed between couples if/when a decision is taken to have a family. How will they manage the drop in earnings and childcare and for how long. If that doesn't happen then it can lead to resentment.

A couple I know dropped their income to have a child. He upped his workload to compensate and 15 years later!!! was still doing the same because the wife was enjoying the lifestyle of a 'lady what lunches' and only took a little P/T job eventually. It caused huge strain on the relationship. ☹️

Well it was fallen into really, rather than a planned route. At 8 months pregnant and already on maternity at the point my husband's then employer had a re-structure and he found himself at an advantage because he was the only one who knew how to do a certain job I was in no position to go and match him on the job front.
My employer at that time did not employ part timers (the right to request flexible working didn't exist) and my net pay from my f-time job was equivalent to the childcare bill and full time childcare in return for no extra income into the house wasn't really viable. So I worked p-time on an evening around husband's job. He then had set local hours and I was helped by my Grandmother who moved close by after being widowed.
3 years later, husband moved to his current employer and had had to start working away. The relatives who'd helped me with childcare became ill themselves (still alive and in ill-health today), our second baby had come along and trying to work round husband's hours which varied each week wasn't an option.
These were also the years when technology advanced and I found myself unable to return to the type of work I once did, without getting qualifications back, which I did but it took several years due to having to do course hours round a pre-schooler. I finished just in time for a worldwide financial crash to kick in and husband be diagnosed with Cancer. His treatment was successful but it took me a further couple of years to find paid employment.  When one of you has a job with irregular hours outside of the 9-5ish then flexible childcare has to be available. If it isn't, which has been the case with us then the other one is restricted to a job with set hours, and the corresponding salary.
Like I said it doesn't bother us. My wages have largely been disposible. Around 18 months ago, our youngest became ill with MH to the point she was udner CAMHS due to suicidal ideation. I lost my job around the same time (our customer closed down). I didn't work for the best part of a year so I could be about for her. That's not something we could have done if we'd been dependant on my wages.

warby68

Now you've said a bit more, its easy to see where the financial conflict arises. Firstly that you don't seem to have made your financial and family plans jointly or at least never came to agreement on them. You want an easy work life and to be frugal to possibly make up for the lower income. He has advanced in his career and wants to have some money to play with for the lifestyle he feels he has earned. On top of that he doesn't prioritise long terms goals the same way you do.
Possibly the answer is that school fees are enough for now ( I know that's a huge cost - there is no way we could have done school fees at the same time as trying to save up for a house for the first time - we've just finished but lots of things had to be 'on hold' for those years). Were you both totally agreed on private school? 
I'd say one possible solution would be to pool your money,  discuss what your joint commitments should be, bills, some lifestyle, and some house maintenance, holidays and school feels and then what's left out of the joint total income is divided equally (or not if you want him to have more as he earns more). Then he spends his personal money how he wants and you save yours if you like to the long term goals. Its about finding the line between joint family expenses and purely personal discretionary ones. You might have to compromise some long term goals as the price for your 'easy' life which you are determined to keep. He might need to understand a bit more about the true joint costs of family life to reset his personal spending expectations.
Good luck