5 months to emerge as a butterfly

benbenandme

Morning, last night ds and I went to footie and it was sooo good to be back there! It was only a pre-season friendly but the atmosphere was brilliant, felt like a league game. We lost but it didn't matter
I spent £49 on petrol so have £57 left in the budget until payday. I need to get some coffee today and some more milk. I have prepared a couple of signs that need printing off for my first card event tomorrow since lockdown, I'll pop into work this morning and print them off. I then need to sort through all my cards stuff as I haven't had it all out for so long. I'm quite excited about it, has been too long! After the event I'm meeting up with abs, he lives about a mile from where it is, I'm looking forward to that a lot more than I'm looking forward to the card event  

Nothing else particularly planned in for today, I need to get my steps in, maybe try and get one or two bits ticked off the list too and look for some money making ways today too

benbenandme

So yesterdays card event was pretty quiet, then I met up with abs for coffee afterwards. Two weeks ago he said he was struggling mentally, his close friend had basically moved their friendship on to a full on relationship and he felt smothered and needed space, wanted to be single etc ... anyway yesterday that has all changed and they're basically together, but not officially, but have talked about adopting a kid in the future (he's had the snip. Not really sure why he wanted to meet me for coffee still but there we go, I'm not convinced he's as happy as he says he is, I feel he's settling for her as a safe, reliable one as his ex was quite feisty and volatile. I think he'll get bored but not my place to say   ... he is absolutely lovely but I need to forget about that one.
 
When I got back I met a mate for a walk down the beach and while we were sat on the grass the hitter walked past with his mate. It proper freaked me out, I had turned my back to him as soon as I spotted him. My mate said he clocked me and they changed their path slightly so they had to walk past us He had his kids with him and they saw me, the little boy waved, he was very close to me and I never got to say goodbye to them. Whats bothered me is that even though I know he lives near there he never, ever went to the beach. It was something we talked about a lot as I couldn't understand it but due to his back issues he barely walked anywhere. Last week I saw his best mate down there (who doesn't live near there at all) and then suddenly today they're both there. I can't help but feel that his mate told him he saw me there and coincidentally they both went there yesterday. I will avoid that bit for a week or so, although that is my favourite happy place so I don't want to not go there but for a bit I don't want to be watching out for him

So today the weather looks pants again, it will probably mainly be an indoor day again although I will go out for a walk locally to get my steps in. Ds is working all day so just me again. Payday today too  

benbenandme

So I have been rather quiet for a few days, I'm really struggling at the moment and I'm not sure why. My motivation for everything has gone and my interest in everything is zero. I can't be bothered to go for a walk, I keep crying, it is so not like me, I just feel so down and so lonely. 

I have chatted to friends about it, between us we reckon its a mix of possible perimenopause, long covid and just various changes recently - ds now being grown up, my year group having gone and just a general sense of emptiness and pointlessness in life. I know I need to get out and make myself do stuff but at the minute that is proving really hard. I did volunteer at Parkrun on Saturday and went out with a mate on Saturday night. It was my birthday on Sunday which always highlights how low I feel so I'm glad that's out the way. 

I cannot believe how upset I've been about Abs now being in a relationship - that is absolutely bonkers and again shows I'm not in a good place - I only met him a couple of times, it was never gonna go anywhere and yet I cannot bear thinking about him and her together. Its madness. I don't even think its him I want, its that he is planning a future with someone, and I can't help but feel I have missed out on all that over the years. Here I go again, I'm crying again I have hidden his profile on facebook so I don't see his updates as it hurts. I feel so stupid for saying that as he's not much more than a stranger really. 

Today I am going to make a list of things I need to do today - it will be tiny compared to my usual but I need to do it as yesterday I barely moved off the sofa (I didn't even do 2,000 steps, I usually do 20,000). It will include having a shower, hoovering the house and walking the dog. Small steps and all that. 

gran3

I's sorry you feel so rubbish but dont underestimate the effect Covid has on your body and mind. Just rest until you feel like doing stuff. You have had a lot going on, which hasnt helped. Stop worrying about steps, be kind to yourself. xx

janb5

It`s always hard when you have a `meh` moment and feel you are walking through treacle.  Then other people`s lives seem more exciting, they`re loved up etc and everything is rosy....or is it ? Remember Facebook is just an illusion and never reflects the grittiness of everyday life.

How about a list of all the positive things you have achieved of late - your job, your card business, your DS, the running, losing weight etc? Also recovering from the relationship with A.  it`s easy to forget all the good things when you`re having a blip.  You`re still thinking of others when volunteering to help with Parkruns. 

Life will get better....!

beanielou

Time for a wee visit to your GP?

Buffythedebtslayer

Benben, sending you hugs. It could be covid I guess, perhaps doctors is the way forward. Is your doctor any good?

Sometimes I do think as a single woman it is really hard to keep going, I don't mean to sound dramatic! but when you don't have a person to turn to or look after you, it can be quite difficult. I know 99.9% of the time I am fine single, but I find it painful sometimes, I went to a pub the other day, one I used to go to a 100 years ago with an ex and I pondered what happened to him, so I did the obvious! Looked him up - he has a girlfriend and a dog and like you say, I don't want him but really if I am honest there are times when I would love someone here. 

However bad it feels, these feelings will go. You know you won't always feel like this. I hope you make something nice for dinner and have a nice sleep tonight 

Birthdays are in my view a pain in the bum! but a quiet happy birthday to you XX 

badmemory

I've been single again for over 30 years now & what I really miss from time to time is someone to discuss things with.  The "do you think that would work, do you think this is a good idea".  My long term "friend" is no good at that as he just says whatever you think is right.  He is also a great believer in tear it all out & start again - unless it's his stuff you are talking about.  Thank goodness we don't live together, that would never work!

Drawingaline

I felt like this back in February after we finally moved house. Sort of flat, bored, tense, and sad. I seem to have shaken most of it off, but I am blaming perimenopause. Looking back I have started feeling down and anxious over the past 18 months and I honestly think hormones are not helping as I have never felt this way before. I have chronic indecision, brain fog and keep doing silly things like mixing dates up etc. 

Covid also seems to being up these sorts of symptoms, esp in women of a certain age! We are doomed! 

I hope you start feeling a little more motivated. 

Buffythedebtslayer

Hey up Benben, just checking in XXX