5 months to emerge as a butterfly

edited 6 April 2020 at 8:50AM in Debt Free Diaries
644 replies 83.9K views
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  • DrawingalineDrawingaline Forumite
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    I also love what Redcurlypanda said in her comment about how I had a goal for my house, garden and a dog and since we split up first time round I have achieved all of those. He, on the other hand, is still living with his mate, still has no savings, no car, nothing has moved forward in his life. One of us will come out of all this in a much better place than the other again too :)
    What a horrible thing to do to you. But this kind of positive attitude will help. It sounds a bit like both of you were holding back a little, especially if you didn't see a long term future, give yourself time to heal from the betrayal and reflect, then onwards and upwards! Often knowing your goals and working towards them and achieving them brings clarity in other aspects of life.
    Debt free Feb 2021 🎉
  • savingmoresavingmore Forumite
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    so, so sorry ben ben, that’s a horrible thing to have done.  You will be in shock and anger for a little bit, so well done on not giving in to chocolate and other mindless eating we are all prone to do.  Take all the silver linings you can grab from this.  knowing you and your level of determination, you will turn this around and move forward with aplomb!!  how did ds react?   must have been unsettling for him too?  blessings x
  • benbenandmebenbenandme Forumite
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    Thank you all for your comments they really do mean a lot xx
    He came and got his stuff yesterday, they weren't here long, I'd already put it all on the drive so he could just load it up and go. We talked a little bit, literally only a couple of minutes, he kept saying sorry, I told him not to as it meant nothing and changes nothing. He asked if I wanted a hug (I absolutely live for his hugs, huge proper bear-hugs that just make you feel totally safe), but I said no. He then said he was so sorry for being a tw*t, one moment of weakness and he's ruined everything. I said but it wasn't one moment, it was the messaging for months, the meeting up in Dec and Jan, the continued lies and deceit ... he claimed that Dec and Jan are her trying to make sure we don't get back together, that she's vindictive etc etc ... I said I didn't want to carry on the conversation if he still couldn't be honest. She has no reason to lie to me, she knew I'd already kicked him out at that point and she's sent me screenshots from messages with him in May where she talks about when he came round in January ..   
    Anyway, we've arranged to meet this morning at 10 to try and talk again. I don't know if I'll get any answers that will help me, in all honesty probably not, but at least if he can admit it it might help. I think he can't bear the guilt and shame and doesn't want friends / family finding out the whole sordid truth. 

    It sounds crazy but in time I would like to maintain some level of friendship with him. Not now, but maybe in a couple of years. I know everyone will say run away and you can't be friends after all this but when ds dad left one of the things I hated the most was that the person I had lots of memories with wasn't in my life anymore. Mr S and I often talk about things we've done before, places we've been etc and I don't want to lose that totally. He has been in our lives for 9 years on and off now, he has been like a Dad to ds. I have no idea what that friendship could look like, it may just be the odd text message or just knowing that I can call on him if I was really stuck. There is also a very good chance that as I rebuild my life I won't have room in it for him as a friend anyway. Who knows. But I don't want to close that door totally. I'm not a hateful person, I'm not bitter. Over the years we've had some really good times and there has been lots of fun and happiness, I don't want to close the door on that forever. My bestie thinks I'm crazy and says how can you even think of him as a friend after how he's treated you? and I do get that but it's just how I'm feeling right now. Maybe it's just the shock still and not wanting to let go, I don't know. But I won't force it, let's see what evolves over time.

    So, half an hour and then I'm off to meet him, I will report back later x
    Mortgage Total: £62,273 / £75,000 Mortgage End Date: May 2040
    2021 Boiler Savin,gs: £2180 / £2856
  • benbenandmebenbenandme Forumite
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    ... and he's text saying can we make it one night after work instead as his son is on his way round for fathers day. Not a major surprise ...
    Mortgage Total: £62,273 / £75,000 Mortgage End Date: May 2040
    2021 Boiler Savin,gs: £2180 / £2856
  • benbenandmebenbenandme Forumite
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    So I needed to get out the house for a bit, (I took the dog for a long walk this morning but needed to get out again), so went to the garden centre for a mooch. Our local one is very expensive but nice to wander around. I did treat myself to a reed diffuser and refill, they are the Wax Lyrical Fired Earth ones, it's Chai and Lime Blossom and smells gorgeous. Originally it was £24.99 for the diffuser and £14.99 for the refill but they were reduced so in total they cost me £11.85. I felt I deserved a treat this week :) Now I need to decide whether to put it in my bedroom, the lounge or the downstairs loo. I'm thinking probably the bedroom as I need something in there to make me want to spend more time in there, to make it nicer. At the moment the empty half of the bed is just a reminder that he's gone. The downstairs loo makes sense but for the amount of time anyone spends in there it seems a waste, and the lounge is a big through room and I think the smell might get lost :)
    Now, in true Benbenandme style, I'm going to write myself a nice bumper long list of things that need doing / things that I can do to keep me busy in those moments when I feel lonely. I'm struggling to find the motivation to get on with much still at the moment, maybe it's me pushing myself too quickly and I need to just heal and process everything, but I feel that keeping busy will help take my mind off everything. I am also aware that I only have 12 more days at work until September, 4 weeks until the summer holidays, and now I have no plans for those weeks. I may look into some temping work for some of it just to top up my funds as without Mr S here I've also lost £400 a month into the household pot :(
    Mortgage Total: £62,273 / £75,000 Mortgage End Date: May 2040
    2021 Boiler Savin,gs: £2180 / £2856
  • benbenandmebenbenandme Forumite
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    Well, popped on the scales this morning as my period finished yesterday and my weight always looks better after that, and I've now lost half a stone since Wednesday  :o  :) I know it's not healthy but it really has made my day already :) I've tried on some old summer dresses that I've barely got over my head before and they fit again! Happy, happy, happy :) That means since 1st June when I started my sugar detox I've lost 1 stone 1lb :) 
    Today my plans include sorting my bedroom out, sorting a birthday present for my bestie, getting my steps in and then I'm meeting him at 5 to talk. 
    I did see him briefly yesterday - I was sat on the sofa and a guy delivered a pizza here - turned out he had ordered one through his account but forgotten to change the delivery address. Anyway, I popped it round there (about 3 miles away) and he had clearly been drinking (nothing new). He was very sweet and made polite chat for a bit then said how kind it was considering everything for me to drop the pizza round. I told him I'm not a bitter or vindictive person, I'll continue to treat him how I would like to be treated ... think he's realising he's messed up. Not that he wants to be together still, I know he doesn't, but I think somewhere in there he's realising ho badly he's treated me and that I'm too decent for him :) Then I told him to go and eat his dinner before it went cold and left.
    Mortgage Total: £62,273 / £75,000 Mortgage End Date: May 2040
    2021 Boiler Savin,gs: £2180 / £2856
  • savingholmessavingholmes Forumite
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    Very kind of you. I can understand wanting to be friends - particularly for DS's sake. I think you have been very strong. You say you are losing £400 - not a huge contribution on his part. Will you qualify for any benefits as a result of him going?
    During 2021: Target 1) Clear CC debt - £2128 to go (but debt neutral) @ 0% Target 2) Lose weight 3) Write regularly 38113/70000 words Book 2 4) Promote book(s) 5) Develop passive income streams 6) Build 3-6 mths EF 7) Declutter
  • benbenandmebenbenandme Forumite
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    Unfortunately not Savingholmes as ds is now working, albeit part-time, so no council tax reduction, no tax credits or child benefit. Luckily my £80 csa arrears is still coming through each month, assuming he keeps paying that should be for the next 2.5 years-ish. 
    So, in other news ... I got myself straight back on the online dating and have a socially distanced coffee date arranged for next weekend!! I have no expectations of this, it will just be nice to have something else to think of, something else to take up some headspace. Having said that he looks very nice from his pictures, moved to the area just before lock-down from Northern Ireland, doesn't really know anyone. Marriage split up 5 years ago, couple of short term relationships since then, 45 (I'm 46) and an accountant. I will keep you all updated :) I know it seems very quick but I feel like I want to get out and meet people, maybe it's being stuck in lock-down too long that's done that ... 
    Mortgage Total: £62,273 / £75,000 Mortgage End Date: May 2040
    2021 Boiler Savin,gs: £2180 / £2856
  • BuffythedebtslayerBuffythedebtslayer Forumite
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    I think that is all awesome Benben, I really do! It is so important to have stuff to look forward to! and it is good to get going on the dating front. So much the better person with the pizza. What an utterly stupid man in all ways. 
    Love that you are going to make a list :) 

    Nevertheless she persisted.
  • beanieloubeanielou Forumite
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    Glad that you are getting out there :)
    Take care of you.
    That's a fantastic weight loss in a month  :smiley:
    Lou~ Debt free Wanabe No 55 DF 03/03/14.
    **Credit card debt free 30/06/10~**
    MFW. Finally mortgage free February 2021****
    "A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of" Jane Austen in Mansfield Park.
    ***Fall down seven times,stand up eight*** ~~Japanese proverb.
    It starts with you, it starts from now. *** It is ok to be me.***
    ***Keep plodding***
    Out of debt, out of danger. ***Be the difference.***
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