Visiting Relatives 8 January 2020 at 8:05PM edited 30 November -1 at 12:00AM in Marriage, Relationships & Families 63 replies 9.5K views

Caraway90

I would hate this, luckily our families never do it despite us all living in the same (large) village. I find it rude to just assume you're welcome at someone's home at any given time. I would also feel so embarassed if a family memeber turned up and I'm in my cleaning clothes (baggy top, no bra, hair scraped up, no make up, you get the picture).

Skiddaw1

Have to say it would drive me bonkers. I like to have visitors (whether family or friends) but I very much prefer advance warning even if visitors live locally.

NaughtiusMaximus

I'm also with your partner on this.

Unless it's an emergency just turning up unannounced is both rude and selfish IMO. Also sending a text 5 minutes before counts as unannounced as far as I'm concerned, I'm not glued to my phone, there's a good chance you'll turn up before I even read the text.

GBNI

I'm with your partner. I hate people being in my house so I actively discourage visitors.

PasturesNew

Even asking, with 1-2 hours' notice, is always preferred. These days, with people having telephones, it's not difficult to pick up the phone and ask "Are you in? Going out? All right if we pop over in 30 minutes/an hour/this afternoon?"

In days gone by people didn't have phones - and lives were more regular/ordered. e.g. shops shut Sundays so people were more likely to pop round on a Sunday. Not at all times of the week, on any day, because everybody's work patterns are all over the place.

TBagpuss

I think your partner's views are likely to be closer to the general norm.

I think the starting point is that showing up at someone's house without warning is rude, unless your relationship with them is such that you are all comfortable with that.

In your case, you'd be comfortable with it but your partner isn't , so your household as a whole isn't OK with it.

Also - having people show up without warning is something that your partner has strong feelings about, so there would have to be a really strong reason to continue to put her in that position. expecting family to call 10 minutes beforehand if thy are planning to call is a pretty small thing. It requires minimal action on their part and has benefits for them as well, as it saves them a wasted trip if it isn't convenient. It's not a scenario where one of the two of you ends up with a major inconvenience or having to live with something that is a major problem.


Also - it's quite hard to turn someone away if they are standing on front of you, so I would expect your way to mean that you or your partner might very easily find yourselves in a position where you would prefer to be on your own, or not to have to entertain a visitor, but can't really say no. If someone calls head, before they have got in their car, or walked to yours, it's much easier to say "this isn't a good time"

Maybe combine asking your family to call ahead with agreeing with your partner to explicitly invite them round sometimes - if you have invited them round to have a meal with you on Friday evening, it's less likely that they will feel the need to pop in unannounced on Saturday morning or that they or you will feel that you are missing out on spending time with them.

Primrose

We don,t have a fixed routine for mealtimes since retiring so it,s always a bit awkward if unexpected visitors turn just up just as we're abiut to sit down for a meal.
I,d always check with somebody first just out of politeness. It can be annoying to have routines interrupted if you're busy and have a tight timetable.

TBagpuss

PasturesNew wrote: »

In days gone by people didn't have phones - and lives were more regular/ordered. e.g. shops shut Sundays so people were more likely to pop round on a Sunday. Not at all times of the week, on any day, because everybody's work patterns are all over the place.

Yes, and in middle- and upper class circles, it was entirely normal and acceptable to be 'not at home' if you didn't want visitors. You just instructed your parlour main you were 'not at home', and people would leave their card, and depart. All of which remained the case certainly until the 1920s, and possibly up to WW2.

svain

Do people not just pop into family (parents, own children etc) for a cuppa ... 20mins-30mins tops .... or is appointments still required? (local obviously) ... do people like to "stand on ceremony" to immediate family? (house clean, make up on etc) .... Pretty sad state of affairs if people need to show a "front" to immediate family

Mnd

TBagpuss wrote: »

Yes, and in middle- and upper class circles, it was entirely normal and acceptable to be 'not at home' if you didn't want visitors. You just instructed your parlour main you were 'not at home', and people would leave their card, and depart. All of which remained the case certainly until the 1920s, and possibly up to WW2.

This is what we do obviously :rotfl: