Embracing the new family dynamics and looking forward to the future with optimism

Savvy_sewing

I couldn't log in for some reason yesterday.
it was a bit of a rollercoaster day, I had a row with DS and because he was shouting and swearing at me I retaliated with the fact that he could go off and live at his GFs!
 I had already been up 5 hours and done the school walk etc. 

I was only trying to get him up to help.
but I really saw red when he reacted the way he did.
 I had already put a notice on the board about having a family meeting at 8 ( after the clap for our front line workers).
He disappeared while I was working , so I got DGD to collect Dgs1 from school at lunchtime and I got Dgs2 at 3.
i did everything I needed to, and actually felt quite relieved.
he messaged me at 6 was he to come to the meeting so I said only if he wants to sort out how we move on from here.
so he came. I talked about Family, my concept of it, how it upset me that we are becoming a dysfunctional family, how we are not showing up for the boys and how it is affecting all of us.
 I explained my problem and got some discussion about them. DS wants a rota up, DgD agreed that we have lost the way and that she needs to ask for help if I am busy as I will schedule time in the planner for her school work. I have said that I would like us to eat at the table together at least once a week, and that we need to change our routine. She says she would rather vaccum than washup. 

When she went up I continued to talk with DS about things, and he admitted that he cannot cope with the boys and doing anything else, I told him that I didn't want to row with him, that it's not good for his boys, and that I did think that he would probably be better off moving out and sorting him self out.
But obviously he needs to sort him self out.
 I explained that I cannot keep giving up my life and future for any of them.
 I admitted that I was wrong in being so soft.  That I am naturally a giver, and that if I can help someone, especially family I will , but I think that it has backfired and he has become to dependent on me. 

I told him that I have a mass of debts because I have bailed him out, how many cars? Motor bikes? Insurance etc.
that he needs a proper job etc.
 I told him a lot. Some of his answers were understandable, some really weak excuses.
He said the list of things that I had would have taken him all day.
 I told him other than gardening it actually only took me an hour to do yesterday but it hurt me to do it. 

I said a lot of things in that hour.
Now it's up to me to follow through.
 I have to be strong now. 

thorsoak

It's appalling that he swore at you - that shows such disrespect.   But well done - its good that you had the showdown and that you have put down the lines.   But It needed to be said, to be out in the open, for DGD to hear what you had to say to DS.   I expect that it wiped you out emotionally {{hugs}} (socially distanced, of course!)   Now you have to remember what you had said, and stick to it.   You are so good at sticking to deadlines for work, now try and apply it to the family - you set the deadlines and ensure that they stick to it.  We're cheering you on.

KxMx

It must have been so hard for you. Even with the relief emotions are so exhausting! 
But everything now has been aired by all sides, all know the expectations, and hopefully all know (including yourself) that you will follow through if things don't go to plan. 

hb2

Well done Savvy! I know that would have cost you a lot, emotionally, but it was well overdue. Please stay strong now, otherwise it will have been a waste of your time and energy. (((Hugs))) from me too.

beanielou

well done. 

Stay strong. 

Break it down into baby steps for him & keep reinforcing 😊

pollyanna_26

Savvy_sewing said:

I couldn't log in for some reason yesterday.
it was a bit of a rollercoaster day, I had a row with DS and because he was shouting and swearing at me I retaliated with the fact that he could go off and live at his GFs!
 I had already been up 5 hours and done the school walk etc. 

I was only trying to get him up to help.
but I really saw red when he reacted the way he did.
 I had already put a notice on the board about having a family meeting at 8 ( after the clap for our front line workers).
He disappeared while I was working , so I got DGD to collect Dgs1 from school at lunchtime and I got Dgs2 at 3.
i did everything I needed to, and actually felt quite relieved.
he messaged me at 6 was he to come to the meeting so I said only if he wants to sort out how we move on from here.
so he came. I talked about Family, my concept of it, how it upset me that we are becoming a dysfunctional family, how we are not showing up for the boys and how it is affecting all of us.
 I explained my problem and got some discussion about them. DS wants a rota up, DgD agreed that we have lost the way and that she needs to ask for help if I am busy as I will schedule time in the planner for her school work. I have said that I would like us to eat at the table together at least once a week, and that we need to change our routine. She says she would rather vaccum than washup. 

When she went up I continued to talk with DS about things, and he admitted that he cannot cope with the boys and doing anything else, I told him that I didn't want to row with him, that it's not good for his boys, and that I did think that he would probably be better off moving out and sorting him self out.
But obviously he needs to sort him self out.
 I explained that I cannot keep giving up my life and future for any of them.
 I admitted that I was wrong in being so soft.  That I am naturally a giver, and that if I can help someone, especially family I will , but I think that it has backfired and he has become to dependent on me. 

I told him that I have a mass of debts because I have bailed him out, how many cars? Motor bikes? Insurance etc.
that he needs a proper job etc.
 I told him a lot. Some of his answers were understandable, some really weak excuses.
He said the list of things that I had would have taken him all day.
 I told him other than gardening it actually only took me an hour to do yesterday but it hurt me to do it. 

I said a lot of things in that hour.
Now it's up to me to follow through.
 I have to be strong now. 

Well I've been missing for a bit. First some info on the dismantling of the NHS followed by the Don't stay at home gubbins sent  dd into full blown panic and anxiety mode. She's still under Sheilding a few miles from home so more difficult to calm things down at a distance. I did comfirm the NHS situation was something that has been known for a while. Don't stay at home was the button pushing I  mentioned here recently to bascally test public opinion on easing the lockdown. That backfired when the media picked up on it and the headlines were pretty blunt and panicked many. I saw her for only the 2nd time in the past few months yesterday as we sat on the large lawn at the front of the property  surrounded by very tall trees and no one about. We were at least 12 feet apart and her boyfriend stood at a distance to have a chat before picking up this months meds I'd left further up the drive for him to take in and sanitise. He as a techie has a huge bottle of Isoprophyl alcohol that everything gets treated with.

She'd managed to scald an arm quite badly a few weeks ago when reaching for something without realising the kettle was coming to the boil. She didn't tell me about that until a few days later as she was afraid to go to minor injuries at the hospital.

With Superdocs box of tricks including antibiotic creams , lotions and other useful stuff for sommone immune suppressed plus things like Aloe vera gel, non stick dressings and allsorts from her own box of tricks she nanaged fine.

She held her arm up to show me yesterday and it's healing well. There hasn't been any sign of infection since it happened and I doubt minor injuries could have done as much as she did in the present circumstances. The last place she needs is to go to hospital so all the years of planning ahead for possible scenarios were worth the effort.

I spent decades looking at her face and listening to her tone of voice to judge if she really was ok or not. It's difficult to be sure online so yesterday and last month I could judge for myself in person at a suitable distance.

You must be mentally and physically drained Ss. I know you've made things clear to DS but I fear you'll be back at square one soon , The only way you will have a settled routine where  you make the rules , source effective support with the housework , garden etc if you wish is for ds to go.and find his own way ahead. He's making life so much harder for you mentally and physicallly . You worked hard over the years on both your physical and mental wellbeing and these situations undo that effort time after time.

I didn't comment at the time but although I know you needed to reclaim your space indoors  my heart sank when I read what you'd bought for him to live outside. Money you can't afford and a hideaway !!!!!! project for him to focus on when he should be doing the important stuff . Just like the forge, bikes and his other projects another escape from the reality of real life.

I've said it before but stop using the help word. It makes you sound as though you're asking a favour of both him and dgd. The fact is they are part of the family and should be behaving as such. Rather than I need you to try saying You need to  that's a different thing altogether. I'm glad dgd seems to be making some progress .

Hope all here are well. Take care everyone.

pollyx

ETA I've just come back to edit some typos . After I posted, the word between hideaway and project had a series of exclaimation marks rather than an innocent three letter word to link hideaway and project. It's noe looking as it did when I noticed the swear filter had triggered so I wonder what will happen when I post this again..

Savvy_sewing

I will survive!
 I will keep my ground. 

I am as you say quite exhausted with the emotional side of life.
 I am tired this morning as I stayed up late last night, talking and raising a glass for VE Day at a distance with the neighbours out the front.
it was good to talk to others and forget about the issues at home for a while.
my washing machine has gone on the blink. So I have to see if I can sort it out myself, before I call in an engineer. 

I think I am 3 weeks out of the warranty!
thats just typical.
 I am behind on the scrubs as I am struggling to work at the speed I need to. So I need to contact the clients and explain the delay. I was due to dye the two sets I finished yesterday, so I am going to have to get them to Biggests to do. 

Dgd has met the girl from the flat across the road last night, she is about 14, and likes drums and a few other things Dgd likes. They have exchanged telephone numbers and when the social distancing is over they might meet up and play the drums in DGDs shed etc. She goes to a different school so it could expand DGD's network of friends which would be good.

Today I am definitely not going to be sewing. My hand was pretty swollen last night after I had worked till 3pm. 

I am planning to take it a little easier today and try to just potter and play with the kids.

pollyanna_26

That's bad news on the washing machine. How long was it guaranteed for? It doesn't seem very long since you had to buy it after the previous one failed.

I hope dgd and the girl over the road will get together when things get back to normal. Shared interests and the fact she attends a different school are a big plus. After bullying etc it would benefit dgd to spend time with someone unrelated to school and dgds struggles there.

I'm glad you intend to give your poor hand a rest today and take things easier. I understand you're commited to the scrubs but you need to find a balance . Pointless pushing yourself too far and risking future difficulties when you can continue the work that keeps the roof over your heads.

I was reading last night that a fabric firm in Scotland are providing fabric for sewing firms in Scotland and Lancashire - the home of king cotton - to sew some ppe for the NHS. I barely slept last night my head seemed to be all over the place. Reading about the news from Scotland started me thinking how the loss of manufacturing in the UK has had such an impact on what we're experiencing now. Part of winning the 2nd world war was the fact that weavers and sewers could produce all the uniforms for the forces and others on the frontline. Steelworkers and engineering firms played a big part and often adapted to making guns, shells etc. So many things like iron works and others came together to provide everything needed.

It makes me very angry that there has been a real and nasty backlash against poles , people of colour from many others who came to the aid of Britain to fight the war.

Many Polish airmen came here to help win the battle in the skies and many died doing so . The gurkas who helped win the war after the japanese invasion of Singapore which involved them and the British fighing together in the steamy jungles and many prisoners of war endured terrible suffering in the prisoner of war camps a lot didn't live to see the end of that campaign. Most who served there weren't back home on VE day but needed to stay behind to track down the camps and get much needed help for those still alive. They got back to their loved ones after VE day.

It took many countries to win the war. America, NZ , Australia and many countries around the world stood with our troops. The brave resistance in France, Belgium , Poland and other countries saved many british pilots who'd been shot down in enemy lines. They risked their lives to send them home to the uk to fight again.

We used to be pretty self sufficient. Apart from  extra manpower the only problem was food shortages. My dad served in the Royal Navy sailing along side the Merchant Navy to protect them on the long voyages to America, Canada and other countries to collect food supplies. They also went as far as Russia as the people there were starving to death and needed some of that food too.

The RAF fighter jets would be flying above the convoys to chase enemy planse away . The Merchant Navy were the unsung heroes of WW2 it's only a few years ago that their part was finally recognised and they got their own memorial in Liverpool the port many convoys sailed from many of them never made it home. Now they are at the rememberance service at the Royal Albert Hall each year as they should be.

Hope everyone has some of this sun today. See if you can spend some time relaxing in the garden Ss with the youngsters. Soak up the heat and top up your vitamin levels.

Have a good day all.

pollyx.

trix-a-belle

SS if the washing machine is only just out of warranty ring up and complain as under the sale of goods act that can't be considered fit for purpose only lasting (I presume) 12 or 24 months, specifically refer to the act & being fit for purpose as i've found it often strikes some action even if its a free repair or callout that they would otherwise charge for due to it being out of warranty.

hb2

Good advice from trix-a-belle, I hope it helps to get the washing machine sorted out.

Nothing happened here yesterday regarding VE Day - although the lady from the upstairs flat and I went outside to sing 'We'll meet again' after the Queen's speech last night.