Frump to Fab - A Whole New World.

chanie

Sugar sorry to read about your fall.  I hope it’s just a one off.

im now off work for a few days for half term with the children.  I don’t have any plans in terms of what we are going to do though.   I think we may just have a chilled day at home tomorrow and go out on Wednesday.

sugarbaby125

Hello Ladies,

Thank you Chanie for your concern. Unfortunately I have lost count of the number of falls I have had due to having Arthritis. I have a lot of pain in my right knee, even with using painkillers and Ibuprofen gel. There is some bruising, but my clothes will cover it. 

Enjoy half term with your children. 

sugarbaby125

Hello Ladies,

My eldest daughter has finally felt strong enough mental health wise to do her 1st post in 6 month's on Facebook and I cannot adequately express how pleased and relieved I am to see a lovely photo of her all glammed up accompanying her post. 

It is only  a few months ago that I got a call from my eldest granddaughter to alert me to how worried she was about her Mum, who is my eldest daughter. I went down the next morning to see for myself how bad she had become and it was even worse than I had imagined. Even on her very darkest days, I am always able to get through to my daughter and help her to ease the pain. Even though we never stop talking on the phone, face to face contact with my daughter allows me to offer her more effective support. Yes, she has daily support from her husband, but sometimes only her Mother can make the difference. I have started to visit my daughter and son-in-law far more regularly now.  My daughter and my son-in-law both have physical health issues to deal with each day and chronic pain daily but my daughter is also unable to walk unaided due to a neurological disorder. They are each other's safe haven and rock. 


My only grandson called me in his darkest hours last year, when he was so depressed that he wanted to end his life. I had to dig deep and find the strength to bring him back from the brink. It took 2 and a half hours of gentle persuasion on the phone which was not working at first but then I told him about the 2 times in my life when I too had been there, but unlike him, I had taken 2 massive overdoses because life had become too dark and heavy for me to bear for even another day and I simply could not find the strength to go on. I told him the details of what it had been like for me and finally he believed me when I said I knew what he was feeling. I too was very young at 18 and 19 years old when I felt I would be better off dead. I knew when my heart clenched with relief, that I was finally connected to him and somehow I was being given the right words to get through to him, so that he did not feel that at 20 years old his life was over and he could find a way back to a life filled with the joy of being alive and happy in his own skin. The catalyst at the time was his devastation in finding out that the lovely baby boy he had grown to love had turned out not to be his biological son after all. 

Yesterday I got a message from my grandson that he now has a part time job and he has found himself a one bedroom flat to rent. He is still in a healthy, strong relationship with his girlfriend and he feels optimistic for his future.   He and his girlfriend are coming to see me on Sunday, so I can hear all the details of the positive changes he is making in his life and I can cook the both of them a tasty meal cooked by me. 


There are far too many of my family that suffer endlessly from depression including myself, but each of us has to use our own tools to enable us to get through the darkest periods of our lives and get to the days when our life feels like the greatest of pleasures just to be here, putting one foot in front of the other. 

maman

Thanks for your heartfelt post sugarbaby. It certainly puts your previous post about the television presenter's suicide into perspective. I'm so pleased to hear that your daughter and grandson are managing to get through their problems and feeling much more positive about life.  Having a supportive and empathetic mum and grandma must help them too.  
I have to admit that I'd never heard of Caroline Flack until the court case at the end of last year. Of course, her tragic death is awful for her loved ones. Unfortunately the CPS are in a very difficult position. They were presented with hard evidence and the laws on Domestic Abuse are such that they  had to act. Of course she was devastated by the potential outcomes of what she'd done, possibly didn't get sufficient support and maybe was vulnerable to mental health problems. But, on the other hand, I can see why we'd need Domestic Abuse laws that guarded against cases being dropped just because the perpetrator was sorry for what they'd done or potentially could coerce the victim into dropping charges. Fortunately I know little first hand about Domestic Abuse but I think saying they're sorry afterwards is fairly typical. It's a dilemma.

On the plus side, Storm Dennis seems to have gone away and it's a bright day here.:)

durham_mim

“My dear FIL died yesterday morning. He was 97 God love him.  He was a wonderful man, sorry to see him go but he was ready.  A "good innings" as they say.  We rose a glass in his honour. "
I am so sorry for your loss.  My FIL was 92, we had seen him two days before and he was in extremely good health, so his death was still unexpected. 

Sugarbaby - thank you for sharing your experiences with mental health.  I have a long term illness which limits my day to day life. I have struggled with it for over 20 years. At one point I got fed up with the struggle and O. D'd.   My mum has struggled with mental health for as long as I can remember, I have been her carer.  I am so glad your daughter has such a devoted and caring mum, you're right, it makes ALL The Difference!   Recently I discovered my 23 year old son struggles with low mood.  I am in the NE and he in Cambridge. He confides in his girlfriend but says little to us his parents.  We are making extra efforts to keep the communication channels open and have assured him we are here if he wants to talk. 

sugarbaby125

Hello Maman,
It is quite surreal that I have very personal experience of what is like to be on the receiving end of domestic abuse, as my only husband was abusive not just physically but also mentally. Yet in the end not only did I survive, but I won. I came away from the marriage with 3 children that I loved and adored and with an iron will.

He was in the British Army for the duration of our marriage. We had been together more than 6 years and had 2 children, my eldest daughter and eldest son, when we got married in 1986. If we were not married, then we would be separated, as he had been given prior notice that his next Army posting would be to West Germany. We could only accompany him to his West German posting if we were married. We were already engaged, so we simply brought the wedding forward. It was a small wedding with only 80 plus guests all done on a shoestring of £800 which meant I and my sisters had to do all of the catering and I had to look for bargains everywhere I could. I saw another side to my husband on the wedding day, that made me feel so helpless and I was feeling regretful but as he had never been unkind to me in any way, I put aside my misgivings, knowing he had felt so pressured prior to our wedding day. 

Even when we were living in Woolwich and a police car had to stop having witnessed my husband physically assaulting me, the 2 police officers decided to take no action against my husband. They talked to him, barely acknowledged me and I felt invisible. I was so dismayed that even though they had witnessed a crime taking place, they saw no reason to arrest him or to offer me any support. 

I only felt supported when I was living in West Germany, as then my welfare and my children's welfare was being overseen by the British Army. I was heavily pregnant with our 3rd child, when my husband knocked me to the pavement on the Army base. I was so incensed that he put our child at risk, that I kicked out at him with both feet. Another soldier witnessed what had happened and he came over to help me to my feet and berate my husband (they were the same rank, so he could afford to put my husband in his place). Later that day, I found out that the soldier had reported what he had seen and a welfare officer came to talk to me in my Army home. He laid out all of the options available to me including them starting Court Martial proceedings for my husband to be dismissed from the Army for conduct unbecoming to an Officer. At last I realised that I could be supported, believed and action could be taken. I told the Welfare Officer that now that his physical abuse of me was now public knowledge across the huge Army Garrison, he would be too afraid to continue his physical abuse of me. He loved being in the British Army and would not want to risk being Court Martialled. I opted for them giving him a stern warning about the abuse, and he heeded the warning and never laid so much as a finger on me again. Suffice to say that back then people did not understand the wide parameters of coercive control, so I did not try to explain about the non physical abuse. I had to have a medical exam to ensure that he had not adversely affected my baby and was so relieved when everything was okay. 


I was fortunate that he did not want to be perceived as a wife beater by his army friends and commanding officers over the years, so he tried to ensure that he hit me in the body and in my head where injuries would not visible by others. I did try to physically fight back until I realised that it would make him more violent. He never left me with severe injuries, so I have no lasting medical issues from his abuse whereas so many other women do and so many other women have lost their lives because of their abusers because despite their being many avenues of support available to those women, their abusers were given  a slap on the wrist time and time again when they should have been imprisoned. 

When our 2nd daughter was 18 months old, I was finally strong enough to end the marriage. I had to leave West Germany with my 3 children and live on a Ministry of Defence families centre in Colchester for over a year until I was finally rehoused by Southwark Council and could return to living in South London. It was really tough being a single mother and starting Divorce proceedings, but I knew it would be for the best for me and my children in the long run.

sugarbaby125

durham_mim said:

“My dear FIL died yesterday morning. He was 97 God love him.  He was a wonderful man, sorry to see him go but he was ready.  A "good innings" as they say.  We rose a glass in his honour. "
I am so sorry for your loss.  My FIL was 92, we had seen him two days before and he was in extremely good health, so his death was still unexpected. 

Sugarbaby - thank you for sharing your experiences with mental health.  I have a long term illness which limits my day to day life. I have struggled with it for over 20 years. At one point I got fed up with the struggle and O. D'd.   My mum has struggled with mental health for as long as I can remember, I have been her carer.  I am so glad your daughter has such a devoted and caring mum, you're right, it makes ALL The Difference!   Recently I discovered my 23 year old son struggles with low mood.  I am in the NE and he in Cambridge. He confides in his girlfriend but says little to us his parents.  We are making extra efforts to keep the communication channels open and have assured him we are here if he wants to talk. 

Hello Durham mim,

Thank you for sharing your personal story of mental health. You have a greater burden, as you are your Mother's carer while dealing with your own issues with mental health. I hope that like me, you were eventually relieved to survive your overdose. When my life is really hard, I know that I want to survive, that the joyful times will return. Of course there are days when the struggle makes life seem impossible, but I know that now only can I endure and survive and I come through those days or weeks and emerge triumphant for a time.  


All you can do for your son is keep maintaining the communication channels. At least he feels able to be open with his girlfriend, so he does have some support. 

chanie

There are so many brave women in this thread.  Despite what life has thrown at you, you a
have survived.  You are all amazing inspirations and I really enjoy learning from you all.

helensbiggestfan

Good afternoon lovey ladies

Oh my what sad heartfelt posts this morning.  Ladies I commend you all for your courage, your bravery, your wisdom and your sheer determination to overcome problems  such as domestic abuse and mental health issues.  I feel very humbled and priveledged that you have been able to share your experiences with us.  I hope it helps with the healing process.  

Reading your stories just reinforces my belief that we are a bunch of strong, capable determined women who can and will make their dreams come true.  Who knows what we can achieve when we put our minds to it. 

Keep fabbing, keeping take good care of yourselves.  Onwards and upwards.  

helensbiggestfan

Well now.....if you will excuse me I'm going to blow my own trumpet.  😂

As you know it's now almost 5.5 years since my husband died.  In all that time I have had boxes and boxes of photos which really needed to be dealt with but.....I just couldn't face it.  Sounds crazyI know, after having survived everything g else that was thrown at me , but I just couldn't do it, It was just a step too far.  Every time I tried I would end up in floods of tears. 

Well finally.......victory at last.  Made a good start last night and I was absolutely fine.....better than fine. I was able to smile at the memories and enjoy reliving some of the happy moments.  

I realise that in the grand grand scheme of things, sorting out photos is rather a trivial thing but for me it was my personal mountain to climb. I am both relieved that a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and proud of myself that I have finally been able to grasp that particular nettle. It was the last piece of the jigsaw and the final step to saying goodbye to grief.  

Goodbye Widow, Hello Solo. 😁

As mad as it sounds I think it was FILs death that finally released me.  I really do feel like it's the end of an era.  

The decorator starts the kitchen tomorrow.  Wahoo.  This means the kitchen will be more or less out of bounds for the duration so I shall treat the time as a holiday.......going out every day. I shall be a tourist in my city, visit some galleries, cinemas, browse the shops, eating out in some of favourite cafes and restaurants and then in the evening just a light supper indulging in some nice quality ready meals from Marks or Waitrose, some nice deli cheeses and pates.  

Picnics in my lounge whilst watching some nice movies.......