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enthusiasticsaver

I agree with Warby that maybe the change is making you feel a bit apprehensive. You have been living with family for more than a year and now going it alone. I know you have done it before but maybe this feels different as your new flat is self contained whereas before I think it was a house share wasn't it?  No matter how exciting it is, it is still daunting when it probably seems like it is all pay out at the moment and after a year of being fairly relaxed about money now you are having to watch it carefully. You will sort it.

 I would not worry about them turning the spare room into a games room. Now the kids are getting older no doubt this will work for them better and I am sure they will still find room for you to stay when visiting but perhaps they are saying it is not to be a permanent thing again but I think you would not want to go down that road again anyway. You are debt free and that was the point of you moving back and now you can move forward again but perhaps with a bit tighter control on finances. This period between Christmas and New Year can be tricky too especially with all the restrictions. 

I know in normal circumstances £800 for entertainment does not go as far as you think in London but with London being Tier 4 having a few quiet or cheap  months to build up some savings again might be a good idea  after all the paying out in December and probably January. Filling your Lisa is also a good idea as this is a stepping stone to your next place which is buying somewhere hopefully
in a few years time. Enjoy NY with your Uncle.

ryanm8655

enthusiasticsaver said:

I agree with Warby that maybe the change is making you feel a bit apprehensive. You have been living with family for more than a year and now going it alone. I know you have done it before but maybe this feels different as your new flat is self contained whereas before I think it was a house share wasn't it?  No matter how exciting it is, it is still daunting when it probably seems like it is all pay out at the moment and after a year of being fairly relaxed about money now you are having to watch it carefully. You will sort it.

 I would not worry about them turning the spare room into a games room. Now the kids are getting older no doubt this will work for them better and I am sure they will still find room for you to stay when visiting but perhaps they are saying it is not to be a permanent thing again but I think you would not want to go down that road again anyway. You are debt free and that was the point of you moving back and now you can move forward again but perhaps with a bit tighter control on finances. This period between Christmas and New Year can be tricky too especially with all the restrictions. 

I know in normal circumstances £800 for entertainment does not go as far as you think in London but with London being Tier 4 having a few quiet or cheap  months to build up some savings again might be a good idea  after all the paying out in December and probably January. Filling your Lisa is also a good idea as this is a stepping stone to your next place which is buying somewhere hopefully
in a few years time. Enjoy NY with your Uncle.

Thanks, again very sensible. Not really sure on the apprehension re: moving, I guess it could be there subconsciously. But the thought of my own place actually fills me with joy. The loading the car is filling me with dread so maybe there is something in it but it’s more the anxiety about getting it done I think. Will see how I feel once it’s done

Yeah, get the point re: making the space work better for them, it’s their home after all ha. Though it is already a games room, just has a bed at one end of it. And it’s the way it’s been mentioned several times in one day, feels like another stick to beat me with in terms of costing them space. They did mention previously they’d need to renovate the room for wear and tear when they said about putting the rent up (hinting I should pay despite the room not being touched in the 10 years they’ve been here, ceiling wall paper hanging off etc.). 

Appreciate I’m being oversensitive and I do think there is something deeper going on in terms of realising I’m on my own in the world in light of how family have been/not feeling appreciated/being outcast a bit/the money grabbing, I suppose it’s not being happy about my successes but just seeing what’s in it for them and seemingly resenting it, which is how things were when I was a kid. Mum would try and take credit for my successes, even using it to attempt to exempt herself from responsibility for her other kids being !!!!!! ups. “Well look at Ryan”. Also resented me doing well as it made her feel insecure, to the extent of trying to sabotage it, which is how the log burner saga felt. (E.g. mother once asked gf lived with whether I was  controlling or hitting her - I’m the complete opposite of those things and fortunately my gf’s reaction was “!!!!!! is wrong with her” and it wasn’t a new relationship). I feel more fine with that than I’ve ever felt to be honest and feel like I’ve acknowledged and accepted it, so I’m not sure, that said it is a bit of a shock for this family to act in the same manner...but there is probably a bit of processing going on as I did feel like a valued member of the family for a while, which I hadn’t really had before from my own family. So it’s probably some kind of loss/abandonment thing making me really sensitive to a situation that would be pretty tenuous anyway...

I suppose it is all a lot more rushed than planned too, ideally would’ve had more of a cushion saved but the moment has come sooner than planned and without being in debt, so that is a huge positive.

I don’t think the two weeks of eating crap food and drinking etc. Helps either. Not really drank excessively, apart from one day but my body does feel like it needs a detox with healthy food...

Freedom awaits!

EDIT:

On reflection there is definitely more going on here Think the anxiety is the flight instinct wanting to run from the conflict.

stymied

I’m glad you found the thank you card so you can remember the good parts.

IrishSean

Youre incentivised not to run up debts again with the new place, as well as the thought of moving back and clearing similar debt again, so thats a positive.

Also maybe these issues are a part of a financial detox, having cleared the debt.
Definitely focus on the savings; you cant really change other ppl, only yourself.

If I spent too long dwelling on my passive aggressive siblings i'd go stir crazy, lol. 
This evolving diary will make an interesting read for you in 12 months!

Btw, I bought the Beckham scent off my teenager and will keep it as a daily wear, all £7 of it! He's too young to want / need it so I said use it when you like... i'm with you on the 'sick of food & drink' ive put on 17lb in exactly a month, which is crazy! Dry, healthy Jan awaits 

ryanm8655

stymied said:

I’m glad you found the thank you card so you can remember the good parts.

Yeah, though it’s help if they read it I think haha. Can’t remember if it was someone in here or a friend who raised recency theory, people easily forget what has come before.

IrishSean said:

Youre incentivised not to run up debts again with the new place, as well as the thought of moving back and clearing similar debt again, so thats a positive.

Also maybe these issues are a part of a financial detox, having cleared the debt.
Definitely focus on the savings; you cant really change other ppl, only yourself.

If I spent too long dwelling on my passive aggressive siblings i'd go stir crazy, lol. 
This evolving diary will make an interesting read for you in 12 months!

Btw, I bought the Beckham scent off my teenager and will keep it as a daily wear, all £7 of it! He's too young to want / need it so I said use it when you like... i'm with you on the 'sick of food & drink' ive put on 17lb in exactly a month, which is crazy! Dry, healthy Jan awaits 

Thanks dude. Good point re: spending too long dwelling. Finding it difficult as it’s staring me in the face every time I come home I think the fact I am off work and quite bored doesn’t help
either haha. Tend to be an over thinker.

Yes, will be a really interesting read down the line. 

The idea of getting a 0% spends card for house bits and using the savings to build up my LISA has crossed my mind but not going to as should be able to max the LISA anyway with some sacrifice.

Will have to sample that fragrance at some point ha...will look it up.

I’ll likely join you on dry jan and also planning to get into the river runs along the Thames again.

Legs21

I think the comments re the playroom is their way of saying “don’t get into debt again as you won’t be spending another year here to pay it off” 
I’d also put in the thank you card something along the lines of “I’d forgotten what it was like to be part of a family with all the fun, laughter, stresses and strains and I thank you for this experience”.

3 more sleeps........

ryanm8655

Haha, maybe...

Uncles place now tier 4 so they tried to say I can’t go. But as I’m moving need to go there anyway to pick up some stuff...

Did say as long as I pay my rent first...

Feel a bit guilty disappearing so quickly and on New Years Eve, sort of sense they’re a bit disappointed but it’s so hard to tell. When I said, their first reaction was “you don’t have to go then” and then this evening it was “it’s tier 4 now so you can’t go”.

Either way just want the awkwardness to end  

It feels a bit like when you break up with a girlfriend but you’re stuck in a flat together until the lease ends. Trying hard to get a long but there’s an awkward edge to things. You feel bad and occasionally things still seem good but then they do something that reminds you of why you’re breaking up

alt80

You’re so close to getting out mate.

Family sounds like you’re better off getting out and leaving them to it imo. You’re not going back to getting yourself in anymore debt so you’re not going to need that room. Maybe they’ve got every confidence in you and have a dry sense of humour or something idk. Your mum sounds like she’s got issues of her own but who the !!!!!! says that to a son’s gf idk probably on drugs or something. I know those in glass houses and all that not like I’m a saint in that regard ha so probably shouldn’t comment. 

Move has happened very quickly mate which def would leave me unsettled, no time to get used to it and you’ve been having to buy all the household stuff too. 

Re 0% card - what’s the ROI on the LISA? Could be worth it if it’s a decent return but if typical almost non-existent return typical for savings accounts what’s the point? 

You done the dry jan before? First time for me lol. Half strangely looking forward to it, don’t think I’ve had a month off alcohol since being about 16 ha. 

Sholly

ryanm8655 said:

Appreciate I’m being oversensitive and I do think there is something deeper going on in terms of realising I’m on my own in the world in light of how family have been/not feeling appreciated/being outcast a bit/the money grabbing, I suppose it’s not being happy about my successes but just seeing what’s in it for them and seemingly resenting it, which is how things were when I was a kid. Mum would try and take credit for my successes, even using it to attempt to exempt herself from responsibility for her other kids being !!!!!! ups. “Well look at Ryan”. Also resented me doing well as it made her feel insecure, to the extent of trying to sabotage it, which is how the log burner saga felt. (E.g. mother once asked gf lived with whether I was  controlling or hitting her - I’m the complete opposite of those things and fortunately my gf’s reaction was “!!!!!! is wrong with her” and it wasn’t a new relationship). I feel more fine with that than I’ve ever felt to be honest and feel like I’ve acknowledged and accepted it, so I’m not sure, that said it is a bit of a shock for this family to act in the same manner...but there is probably a bit of processing going on as I did feel like a valued member of the family for a while, which I hadn’t really had before from my own family. So it’s probably some kind of loss/abandonment thing making me really sensitive to a situation that would be pretty tenuous anyway...

Do you think the feelings of being alone might be related to lockdown too? Not being able to see friends etc?

I've been reading your diary for ages and have just caught up so haven't posted before but your comments about your mum really struck a chord with me - it sounds very similar to my childhood! Is she a blood relative of the relatives that you've been staying with? These difficult personalities tend to run in families!

enthusiasticsaver

ryanm8655 said:

Haha, maybe...

Uncles place now tier 4 so they tried to say I can’t go. But as I’m moving need to go there anyway to pick up some stuff...

Did say as long as I pay my rent first...

Feel a bit guilty disappearing so quickly and on New Years Eve, sort of sense they’re a bit disappointed but it’s so hard to tell. When I said, their first reaction was “you don’t have to go then” and then this evening it was “it’s tier 4 now so you can’t go”.

Either way just want the awkwardness to end  

It feels a bit like when you break up with a girlfriend but you’re stuck in a flat together until the lease ends. Trying hard to get a long but there’s an awkward edge to things. You feel bad and occasionally things still seem good but then they do something that reminds you of why you’re breaking up

Good analogy.  I wonder if they are putting a brave face on it and over egging the plans for the spare room because they will miss you.  People are funny and sometimes they say things to cover up the way they really feel so I would not take their comments over the last few days to heart.  A bit of space will do you all some good. Only two more sleeps to go!  Is it Saturday you move in to your new place?