Countdown from £28k...

alt80

@ryanm8655 We never tell them first but both my parents and in-laws always ask for son's Christmas list. Could just be their way of telling you what they've written on that. Know I'd rather be told than buy something completely wrong for the kids.

Extended family a bit different - I understand why they want something in the way of rent in that case but the log burner still seems a bit off imo. Have they even got a chimney or is this thing going to have to be fitted using a twin wall system (more expense)?

ryanm8655

Thanks for the replies.

Yeah, it does make sense in some ways as can make sure that people don’t buy the kids the same thing. Especially with grandparents etc. But I was always just grateful to get anything and would never ask for anything specifically but I’m probably a bit too far the other way ha Plus I enjoy putting thought into gifts.

There is no existing chimney but it is on an outside wall so presumably straightforward enough to put a flux through to the outside. Doubting it will be cheap though! Not sure what a twin wall system is ha. Think they’d need all the heat proofing floor etc. As well. As the existing fireplace is for an electric fire and just decorative.

Still feeling knackered after a few drinks on Saturday and I was in bed by 11pm. Sitting at my laptop procrastinating through tiredness. Making me question whether booze is worthwhile. I’m getting old

rugbymadfamily

I'm with some of the others, that's a bl**dy expensive gift! I think the family passes sound great, really thoughtful and provide a whole year of fun!

dawnybabes

We had to have an external chimney put in, albeit we did pick a good burner but we didn’t get much change from 4K 

One-step-at-a-time

In your shoes I'd become oblivious to hints and go with the present I was planning to get them. Expecting a specific level of spending is not on.

alt80

Haha know what you mean about Christmas etc always nice to receive a surprise if whoever is buying puts the thought in. Not so great when it’s the same toys etc from each set of grandparents or whatever. Had that once with son. FML son opened my parents’ presents then in-laws bought same thing for one of his presents. Nightmare he still believes in Santa too so awkward ha.

Twin wall/ external chimney well two ways to do it can go internal and be boarded but usually external. Lot more expensive than just replacing an open fire in an old place mate. Why do they want a log burner?? No chimney = modern house 9/10 unless it’s been knocked out will be !!!!!! boiling in a modern place.

Not the only one tired mate I’m knackered this afternoon and definitely questioning whether booze etc worthwhile ha.

ryanm8655

Thanks for the replies all.

Was chatting to my uncle via message tonight. Just general chit chat. Told him I’ll be debt free and he told me I can start paying the family rent then, which makes me think he’s been told I don’t pay anything. I doubt it’s been mentioned that I pay toward food, buy family takeaway etc. Not that I expect a medal for it and it isn’t what I should be doing, it just seems like these things are all being forgotten in how I’m perceived.

Which brings me on to this bloody log burner. Came up again tonight, I basically said if I pay for it then I’ll be back in debt again. I also mentioned to my uncle to gauge his thoughts and he said they’ve mentioned it...

So I’ve spoken to my most sensible, mild mannered and level headed friend. He thinks it’s taking the mick. One thing to ask for me to contribute to something for the kids that they can’t afford but expecting me to fork out so much for a log burner is ridiculous and he thinks they’ve gone insane

Basically said he thinks they’re projecting their issues onto me and need someone to be the scapegoat for the family issues and they’re not appreciating the things I do/contribute as a result. Basically said I need to leave so that the relationship can be normal again. I think he hit the nail on the head to be honest. He was genuinely angry, which was unusual.

I’ve not had much time to think about how things are to be honest, as I’ve been so busy with work. Otherwise I think I’d be far more anxious and stressed about the environment. Feel a bit on edge thinking about it all this evening and now makes me think the sense of lack of appreciation/general sense of out staying my welcome wasn’t just me overthinking (as it usually is). Processing it has also made me feel a bit annoyed to be honest as it does sometimes feel like they want me to be the villain they can moan about. I’m not drinking much, I’m working hard, doing shopping, try to help around the house/wash up etc. Buying treats for the family but still feel like I’m the villain because I had a meeting so couldn’t start chopping stuff for dinner at 4.30.

Don’t even know !!!!!! to do about this log burner, suggested to my uncle it would be cheaper to park my car in the lounge and set fire to that But thinking about the cost is stressing me out tbh. Thinking I offer to pay towards it but say I can’t afford to pay the whole thing. I was going to spend a few hundred on the family passes anyway. The other thing I was going to do was pay for all the food etc. For Christmas but my mate said not to bother if it’s not going to be appreciated, it’s just wasting money. I do feel like they’d just think I’m doing it to get out of this !!!!!! log burner, when it was my plan all along. Likewise, I can imagine words to the effect of “well it’s the least he can do after living under our roof without paying his way for so long” going around.

Told them I should be debt free as thought they’d be happy/congratulatory. But it feels like they resent it and now want their pound of flesh.

It’s how my mum has been my whole life as well. Resentful of me doing well and would always try and undermine it and drag me down rather than being proud. 

I have my demons and my faults but deep down I am a generous and kind person. Though I know I am considered the villain because I’ve done the odd stupid thing/family expect you to conform to their ideals and expectations.

Deep...

I’m not as depressed as this post makes it sound, honest

All of this makes me wish I just moved out and halted the debt repayments back when I thought about it.

The irony is I am also freezing my tits off and could do with a log burner in this room (old garage that hasn’t been insulated properly).

Aspiration

You’ve done really well clearing your debt but this post highlights the realities of life where things get in the way. 

Least this confirms you’re  right to crack on with moving out in the new year. 

Re the log burner have they given you a price for what they want? Definitely not saying buy one btw, but just to make sure there’s no confusion with what they’re expecting? 

Lastly, may be well off the mark but it sounds like they probably have their own issues with money? 

Been a great year for you so hopefully this doesn’t ruin it! 

Sarahwithlove

Maybe you need to sit down and discuss it with them and agree to either carry on paying for things for them or paying rent. But it does sound like it's time for you to move out tbh. How long do you think it will be before you're back in offices in london? Could you do a short term lease somewhere outside of London for a bit if the rent will be cheaper? 

ryanm8655

Aspiration said:

You’ve done really well clearing your debt but this post highlights the realities of life where things get in the way. 

Least this confirms you’re  right to crack on with moving out in the new year. 

Re the log burner have they given you a price for what they want? Definitely not saying buy one btw, but just to make sure there’s no confusion with what they’re expecting? 

Lastly, may be well off the mark but it sounds like they probably have their own issues with money? 

Been a great year for you so hopefully this doesn’t ruin it! 

Yeah, I think I need to for work anyway tbh, regardless of everything else.

They haven’t given a price for what they want but I did say I was looking into it and it looks like it’s going to be in the region of £2.5k. Then afterwards I said I won’t be debt free as I expected because my expenses are going to be higher. To which one of them said “that’s because of the log burner.” But not in a don’t worry about it kind of way...more in a “not our problem” kind of way, as if they resent my being debt free because, as far as they’re concerned, they’ve paid for it. Which I also find odd because it’s also been questioned why I won’t just ring up the debt again as soon as I’m in London and a kind of “yeah, yeah” cynical reaction when I talk about how my mindset has changed. It’s like they’re taking all the credit. Incidentally, “yeah, yeah” was exactly what my uncle said when I told him I already pay rent. I also wonder if the one I pay the rent to has told the other I pay, as they do have an account they squirrel savings to. Would explain some of what comes across as resentment. But not sure about that. Also explains the sly digs from the kids saying I need to pay rent (as if they’d heard it from someone).

The rent isn’t loads, granted (£50/week) but that’s not crazily below what I’d pay for a room in a flat down here (granted I’d have share of bills on top). I spend more on food than I would if I was on my own (though that sort of stuff gets forgotten) and I do other things to help out (drive them to appointments, take the kids to things while neither could drive, drove halfway around the country for the dog twice and refused to accept petrol money, I’ve sent money to pay for things like decorating cousins room, I’ve paid for birthday gifts/gift vouchers when I’ve been out and about without ever asking for the money back etc.). Not to mention the fact I don’t have my own space to work, my room is the kids play room etc. I don’t even shower here, I go to the gym/my grandma’s around the corner. It’s frowned upon if I leave the house after the cat is in at 7 as it tries to escape. And I wake up to shouting most days. I do appreciate what they’ve done, don’t get me wrong, I’m just talking from a vfm prospective.

Yes I can be a pain in the !!!!!!. Used to wake up late (which I’m sure is annoying when you’re up early with kids). Went through a phase of drinking too much on weekends and coming home drunk/making noise at midnight etc. (Hence I’ve massively cut down). I can be loud when chatting to mates (hence I leave the house to do it). Went through a phase of getting involved in the parenting (not entirely my fault as they needed me to at a time when there were massive health issues) and also calling out one parent’s bullying, which I eventually started getting told off by the other for (hence bite my tongue now).

Money wise, they’re very sensible though have made a lot of frivolous spends of late (though are still sitting on a fairly substantial savings pot) - bought a new car for cash, expensive dog etc. One is far more spend thrift than the other (the one who squirrels savings away) and often has a few choice words when they see what the other has “spent on now”. Incidentally, they’re the same one who is making the comments about the log burner (the other was talking about spending some savings on one) though I expect it’s from both of them (one communicates through the other when it’s something difficult/awkward like that). But they’re the sorts who always save, make overpayments on the mortgage, have savings accounts for the kids, one even used the equity when they sold their house to clear their student loan (which I’d question the logic of, given student loan interest was pretty favourable back then). They are also a bit odd about money, genuinely thought a wealthy distant relative was going to clear their mortgage for them because they said they’d speak to their husband and “see what they can do” (what they actually meant was see what he can do in terms of financial planning advice because of their health issues). But not sure they’ve always been like that. Maybe they have and I was more distant from seeing it.