Housework

suki1964

Caraway90 wrote: »

Yeah I am not enjoying it all! We live in the suburbs of a town and public transport is okay, but not fantastic. I know people have much worse problems than this, but it's hard when you're used to something and then it's taken away.

I live in the back of beyond, there's no public transport at all

But like Polly, I don't feel guilty at all. Ive had an accident, it happens. Its annoying and frustrating and inconvenient , but it is what it is and Mr S and mum have to pick up the slack until Im more mobile, or at least not in as much pain

As Polly says, a marriage is a partnership, in sickness and in health, richer and poorer. We step up and get on with it

When I had to give up full time employment ( well paid job with all the perks etc ) many moons ago, I did feel guilty and to compensate not bringing an income into the household, I decided I had to become super wife . Well that lasted about a year until I started to feel like a doormat. Was about the time I found this site. This site changed my mindset completely tbh. I soon realised that although I wasn't bringing in a wage, I was actually saving near enough what I earned by being home, I had the time to shop wise, cook from scratch , look for the better deals, learned to do his paper work, I realised I had a full time job same as himself so I eased up on myself and started to shift some of my workload back over to him and we are much happier, Im not so bloody stressed trying to live up to this idea I had made up myself as to what I should be doing and I accept ( as does he) that this is how it is and we just get on with it

Caraway90

Pollycat wrote: »

I'm very independent too.
And I too have had medical issues (operation) that meant I had to rely on my OH for pretty much everything for 8 weeks - even making a cup of tea.
I didn't like it one bit.
Almost 6 months on, it's still having an impact on our normal lives.
But not once did I feel guilty.
I'd have done the same for him.
It's called being in a partnership.

So OP...is your partner making adjustments to his routine without making you feel guilty?
Or is he being a martyr about it?

Sorry to hear about your accident, Suki.

The adjustment side of things is limited on weekdays as we're at work all day. When we're doing things at the weekend, where we would usually alternate driving then he does all the driving now, and doesn't make a fuss about it. I wouldn't say he has expressly made me feel guilty, he has taken time off work to take me to hospital appointments etc, always picks me up from the bus stop if the bus I'm getting doesn't stop too close to home.

cheeky-peach

We pretty much share roles. It's a case of whatever needs doing, gets done and it's often just as and when. I think it helped that my OH lived on his own for a good 6 years before we married so he was used to doing his own chores.

pollypenny

When I went back to do my degree we negotiated jobs. OH picked cooking and shopping. I did washing, ironing and cleaning.

When teaching became really mad, I had a cleaner. And I've have one now I'm retired if I could justify it. It's not the cleaning I hate, but having to tidy up first.

Gavin, I wish I could 'run a hoover round' in only ten minutes. Oh, I forgot, that what OH did in the two years when he retired before I did. There was a clean circle in the living room.

maman

pollypenny wrote: »

When I went back to do my degree we negotiated jobs. OH picked cooking and shopping. I did washing, ironing and cleaning.

When teaching became really mad, I had a cleaner. And I've have one now I'm retired if I could justify it. It's not the cleaning I hate, but having to tidy up first.

Gavin, I wish I could 'run a hoover round' in only ten minutes. Oh, I forgot, that what OH did in the two years when he retired before I did. There was a clean circle in the living room.

Ironically, when I had young children at home and we had to turn everything round at weekends including all the laundry with school uniform etc I didn't really feel I could justify the money for a cleaner. Later, after promotions and on a higher salary I could have afforded a cleaner but didn't need one as the DDs had gone!

I think the '10 minute hoover' illustrates the difference between both differing standards and the difference between just maintenance/tidy up and proper cleaning. For example, I tidy up the bathroom after every shower, wiping surfaces and cleaning the basin and shower. I'd expect anyone using a bathroom to leave it clean for the next person. DH does our proper cleaning and he goes in weekly and cleans the floor and wipes tiles as well. Beyond that he will do a deeper clean every few months using his tile cleaning gadget, doing windows and wiping light fittings.

lessonlearned

This thread is very interesting.

I was married to the least domesticated man on the planet. :rotfl:

Didn't bother me in the slightest.

He was clumsy, cackhanded and absent minded. He could not be trusted with power tools - he would have ended up in A@E and he was a liability in the kitchen, although he made brilliant birthday cakes. Bless his cotton socks. He was however a brilliant hands on dad.

I loved him and accepted him for all his perceived faults.

I did everything, yes even helping him buy clothes.:rotfl: It was fun, he was fun. He adored me and we had a ball. He appreciated everything I did for him. Not once did he take it all for granted and I by the same token I never took him for granted either.

I think the thing is I did what I enjoyed and was good at, organising and running the household whilst he did what he enjoyed and was good at. He had the glittering career, I just worked now and then.

And....despite our very traditional roles......me as little Susie Homemaker and him "Tarzan" :rotfl: it was very much an equal partnership. We each complimented the other's skills and abilities.

To me that is what makes a good partnership. Each supporting the other.

Caraway......you should not feel guilty about being unable to drive. You did not ask to get sick. I doubt very much your partner objects to his role as chauffeur, not if he really loves you and cares about you.

Suki and Polly are right....whether you actually take marriage vows or not .....it really is all about in sickness and health and all the rest of it. If you love someone then you support them, through thick and thin.

When I was ill my husband would roll up has sleeves and get stuck in. He might not have been very effective but he did the best he could. He couldn't cook but it didn't matter, that's what ready meals and takeaways are for.

When he got sick with the illness that eventually took his life, I became his carer until he eventually had to go into a nursing home.

There's more to life than fretting over a bit of dust and a few dishes in the sink. If you really can't work out a system that works for both of you and you still feel overwhelmed then maybe you should hire some help.

You say it doesn't need someone every week. You don't have to have a weekly cleaner. You can choose how often you want them. Even just getting a company in to do a once a month blitz would give you peace of mind and remove some of the pressure.

maman

Sounds a bit like my dad LL .:D He couldn't knock a nail in or boil an egg! Despite this he'd been an aircraft fitter in the RAF and was in charge of all catering for a multi national company! He did systems and resource management, others did the cooking (thank goodness ).

My mother didn't do any paid work outside the home after she had me, age 24.

Life for me has been very different in terms of education and career etc. Horses for courses.

lessonlearned

Horses for courses indeed. .

Which is why, although it's always fascinating to see how other people arrange their lives, run their households etc ultimately we have to work out what works best for us.

No two partnerships are alike, we all have to muddle though and work out what works best for us. As long as everyone is happy with the end result it doesn't really matter much what everyone else is doing.

I remember in the "olden days". :rotfl: people used to have set days for set tasks, ie washing on a Monday etc. I knew people who even had set meals on set days. That would drive me crazy but it seems to work for some people.

Caraway I hope you find a way foreword. Life is hard enough without feeling overwhelmed by domestic issues. Having your home life running smoothly is half the battle, especially when you are both working full time.

gabriel1980

Too many disagreements led to us hiring a cleaner

lessonlearned

gabriel1980 wrote: »

Too many disagreements led to us hiring a cleaner

Money well spent. . Domestic bliss restored.