Aspergers/ASD support thread

Strapped

D&DD wrote: »

Bless him we currently have a line of soldiers in height order with the fattest weapons first..apparently :rotfl:

Can't wait for the Xmas special (we all love Dr Who in this house):D

Did you see all the stuff knocked down on Amazon???

Spent most of last night wrapping it!

blue_monkey_2

Good evening everyone. Sounds like everyone is having fun and looking forward to Xmas. Just waiting for our little ones to go to sleep so we can go get the rest of the stuff out of the loft and wrap it.

I have a question (sorry, it seems like I am full of them and I have loads but this one needs dealing with tbh) Ryan keeps on biting everyone (this is why he has the TA), he is nearly 4 and I just can't seem to get him to understand not to do it. We went to see family a few weeks back and he bit one of his cousins and she was crying and was terrified of him for the rest of the visit, today he bit the other 2, short of not taking him anywhere I don't know what to do. I was sitting on the sofa yesterday and he just ran up and bit me on the arm. He seems to see it as some form of affection I guess, but he does do it in anger as well when he can't get his own way, but not everyone else does obviously. Can anyone offer me any advice on what I should do or say? I make him apologise, which he does, but it seems pretty pointless if he just does not seem get that he as done anything wrong. Just lately I seem to have been on the barage end of everything, he is thumping me, headbutting me, barging me when he can't get his own way or he is frustrated. Makes me feel a little

Thanks

D&DD

H B_M aw poor you I get all the 'attention' too so I know exactly how you feel!!
It was worse when he was your boys age as it was definately his main means of communicating with me :eek: I was permanently battered...but I suppose in a way I was glad he was trying to interact with me

I used visual charts (still use them for everything!!) and he responded well to these,basic chart with pics(*boardmaker*) on.. no hitting,no biting,no punching,no headbutting.The headbutts are rotten aren't they..and the standing on your feet grinding their feet into yours ooh that one kills..

Each time I was hit etc I would get down to DS3's level and hold his hand or cuddle him if he would let me (he doesn't really like being touched we now know...)and tell him again Please don't bite/hit that hurts Mummy..(not that my DS knows what empathy is but the rules do eventually stick..mostly...:Dmore by being routine than right or wrong)

Use the chart and give him a sticker for every day he goes without hitting and have a small reward at the end of the week.. say a pot of bubbles or something he enjoys

blue_monkey_2

Argh, I just lost the whole of my reply. Thanks for getting back to me D, we have tried the sticker charts and they don;t work. Neither does marbles in a jar - because he was not able to have them we now have 3 chips in our TV screen!! How would I make a chart that says all of these things. Do I take them with me? This is all new to me so i apologise for asking more info, it is getting to the point where I don;t want to go out and socialise for fear of something else happeneing. how do you explain to other parents when he does something - also to the other children they have hurt. Saying 'I am sorry, he does not really understand that he is hurting you' gets me some weird looks from adults and kids so I have given up with that one.

I've had a looks on the nas website, there has been some interesting stuff I have come across but nothing about dealing with the violence. This is the thing I need more help with.

Having started looking into all of this it does make me wonder how many teenagers and adults are walking around undiagnosed that get into trouble a lot. Makes you wonder doesn't it.

Savvy_Sue

I think if you google Boardmaker, you will get an idea of the kind of charts people use: my friend has different icons / pictures which she sticks on a board for each day of the week, so Monday to Friday all have 'get up', 'have breakfast', 'clean teeth', 'bus to school' followed by any activities she is doing afterwards, 'tea', 'bath' and 'clean teeth' and 'go to bed' are all on. Saturdays and Sundays are different. She can point to the symbols and go through what's happened, and what's going to happen next.

My friend has also used these for various 'life stages': a whole 'story' was developed around her child going to bed without a nappy on: until then there had been screams and tantrums at the mere suggestion of not having one.

I think some of her child's pictures have a red cross through them to show that it's not in the rules to do them: poking baby's eyes, pulling hair, banging another child's head into the wall etc. This child is fascinated by tears, and of course those actions often bring tears. And it certainly gets a reaction, which the child seems to enjoy.

This child has just been given a large doll, which can be swung round by the hair, have its eyes poked, and generally be pummelled. Would that be an acceptable alternative: we don't hit mummy but we can hit dolly?

D&DD

Hi B_M oops didn't realise you'd tried the charts already not to worry my DS didn't get the hang of those sort of charts til he was 6 or 7 really,they all do things differently as you know so well!! (DS3 is 9 now)

I also have a key fob with his 'rules' attached main one when he was little was a big red STOP sign ..Took us months for him to get used to seeing it and realising it actually meant stop...Its small and easy to carry and now only has Danger,Sad,Angry and Wait on it..
Danger/Stop he knows not to touch/eat etc something
Sad if he is getting upset
Angry if he needs to leave somewhere right now!!!
Wait..for the rare times he goes shopping and needs to queue anywhere..
It can be flashed discreetly if needed

I found as DS got older I found I could identify his 'triggers' more..I had to get to know him all over again really.He developed normally as far as I could see until he reached 18 months or so then we suffered quite a bad regression with him and to be honest the next two or three years were spent purely in survival mode !!!!!!!! I just made it through the day and I was happy..We had no help,no early intervention,nothing..I knew something wasn't right and the only thing that 'fitted' was Autism..so I started my own regime treating using methods recommended by NAS and things started to improve.

I used and still do use hand signals and visual cues everywhere..we have lists and labels on everything lol..He still forgets what day of the week it is..so we have 3 calenders,one for the week,one for the day with the weather on it *sensory probs with wind etc,he's better when prepared for it*,and a monthly one...

When they start school you have to back each other up with the exact same strategies in both places or confusion will set in,they can have many sensory issues with school,i.e lots of people,noise,smells which can be distressing for them but they may not be able to explain why it upsets them..

Another thing we use is distraction...IF I can see a meltdown coming I'll blow raspberries on his belly,chase him round the garden or just make the most stupid faces I can possibly think of...something totally out of context of what he is doing and it normally works as it throws him totally!! Mind you this is ok indoors, when you're out and about most people think you've lost it totally lol...but I'd rather have that than try to resolve a meltdown in public!!

http://www.widgit.com/mayer-johnson/index.htm

Heres a site with the link to a free trial of boardmaker its excellent!!

ms_piggy

blue_monkey wrote: »

Good evening everyone. Sounds like everyone is having fun and looking forward to Xmas. Just waiting for our little ones to go to sleep so we can go get the rest of the stuff out of the loft and wrap it.

I have a question (sorry, it seems like I am full of them and I have loads but this one needs dealing with tbh) Ryan keeps on biting everyone (this is why he has the TA), he is nearly 4 and I just can't seem to get him to understand not to do it. We went to see family a few weeks back and he bit one of his cousins and she was crying and was terrified of him for the rest of the visit, today he bit the other 2, short of not taking him anywhere I don't know what to do. I was sitting on the sofa yesterday and he just ran up and bit me on the arm. He seems to see it as some form of affection I guess, but he does do it in anger as well when he can't get his own way, but not everyone else does obviously. Can anyone offer me any advice on what I should do or say? I make him apologise, which he does, but it seems pretty pointless if he just does not seem get that he as done anything wrong. Just lately I seem to have been on the barage end of everything, he is thumping me, headbutting me, barging me when he can't get his own way or he is frustrated. Makes me feel a little

Thanks

Um tricky one this I've not had the biting so I dont speak from experience but just a few ideas which may/may not work. try using something he loves as an immediate reward (this may involve carrying a picture of Dr Who etc not a entirs tardis!)and use an egg timer so he can see the amount of time- every time he reaches the target without biting show him the item and give praise. Also with the multiple behaviours you may want to tackle on at a time concentrating on the one that causes most problems. I also like the idea of cards maybe if he has two -one happy one sad/angry (depending on his ability he could design his own) if you also have a card with maybe a question mark on it you could check how he is feeling every minute/30 seconds so you can remove /distract him before any explosions.I have found using simple sign language works with my son (thumbs up/down).As I said these are just some ideas to throw into the melting pot.
I do agree that it seems pointless to tell him off if he doesnt know what he's done wrong. I had probs with DS2 who thought it was funny tripping other kids in the playground. I tried everyting I could think of to no avail then,one day, he tripped over and hurt himself. I picked him up, brushed him down and went through every part of his body "how do your hands / knees/ feet/ tummy/ head feel?" when he had told me I comiserated then said "thats how you make those children feel when you trip them up" The point got home loud and clear.
All the best in this

blue_monkey_2

i everyone, thanks for all of those great ideas - and I looked at the boardmaker. I am going to get Xmas out of the way and sit down and sort out a stratagy. After Xmas I am closing the main bulk of my business so anything I do work wise will be about half an hour or so in the evening. As I have mentioned - we are going to be moving sometimes in the distant future and I need to get organised and have him ready for it. When we put a heater on his walll when it got cold (we took the old one down and then moved him into his own room) and he spent 2 hours having hystrteics over it and trying to rip it from the wall (electrics!) and was kicking it as he did not want it there. As you know we are going to be evicted soon and we have to wait for the council to house us, I am desperately hoping that the council can find us a 3 bedroom place as he will try and wake his sister the minute he gets up and generally that is early, likewise if he is having a screaming fit in the night - but unless I can demonstrate somehow he needs his own room they tell me it is 2 bedroom that we need and without him being diagnosed I am not sure what to do in that respect. (Any ideas?). Anyhow, he has started saying he 'wants a new house' and I wonder if he has picked up on us speaking about it, but he keeps on asking for new decor and a new room so fingers crossed that will not make a lot of difference. however, the time I am going to get back through not having to work I want to spend more constructively on having some stratagy I can also take into school. The keyrings idea is a good one. Are they just those icture keyrings with colours on them, or pictures, I guess I could do that. Great idea.

The thing we have with the hitting and the headbutting me is that it will come out of the blue, he will be playing nicely and next he will just turn and do it. However, over the last few days if he cannot get his own way he has started punching me - I try to ignore this but maybe it is not the right thing to do. Because the biting can be all of a sudden though, this is why i thought it might be for affection rather than out of malice (sometimes) but if he gets into an altercation with another child he can lash out or bite in an instant. However, should that other child lay the first hit it seems to be a green light for total carnage and a full on fight breaks out between the two of them. Again it is difficult unless I have my eye on him every single minute and I am still learning really.

I do tell him off but it has no effect in the slightest, we can tell him off for doing something and 5-10 minutes later he is doing the same thing again. Sometimes it feels like I am saying please don't do that, please don't do that, please don't do that.... I try and say things in a positive way (the hamster was sleeping I do;t think she wants to be picked up right now) but it has absolutley now effect whatsoever and unless I threaten him with something (such as sending him to his room) he will continue. I don;t want to spend my days threatening him but it seems that is all I do at times.

Thanks everyone for your help, I hope one day I will be in the position to be able to offer advice to other people, right now it does not feel like it, but hopefully I'll be of more help soon.

Oh, and something made me cross a few days ago, I have posted on another board as my turkey from Tesco has been removed from my basket and I had mentioned that the CS at tesco told me that if I wanted one I should to go to the supermarket. Well, someone has quoted me and called me lazy for not going and what a shame that I should have to go. When I mentioned that my son had a medical condition and does not like being in supermarkets and I paid for delivery so that I did not have to take him and they quoted me back with the reply 'oh diddums so your child has shoppingitis' or something along those lines. I started to reply but I didn't bother in the end as I wasn;t going to give him any more of my energy but it really upset me that there is still this ignorance. The post (rightfully) got removed though otherwise I would have named and shamed and posted it here.

D&DD

B_M you are doing fine you know,You're still sane !! It does get easier honest:D
Sorry to hear the ignorance of that poster ..it sadly is something I've often come across..My boy is a gorgeous blondehaired,blueeyed,dimpled cheeked heartbreaker to look at..people just can't understand why he is 'like that' when he goes off on one as he doesn't look different.
You sound like you've got a lot on your plate with the move as well do you have any local support groups,carers groups or a social worker you could ask for advice re seperate bedrooms. Your phsyc at Cahms may be able to write a report for housing purposes.The more 'evidence' you have the better,this goes for all situations,I've bought a trolleybag for our next annual review :rotfl:
Positive reinforcement is a good way to go,you may not see many results at this age but it does work and if you get in the habit of using strategies now it becomes second nature after a while
I speak to my boy in a certain way..always have done,short simple instructions,one at a time to give him time to process each bit,backed up by a chart if needed.People stare when we're out but I have learned over the years to just ignore the stares and the comments..*most of the time unless someone really narks me*;) Then they get both barrels!!

My best investment was a lamninator I print off the cards/charts to whichever size we need laminate them and then use magnets to attach to the fridge or velcro for small tickcharts.The key fob pics are the size of passport photos..

I'm still learning myself you know,I don't think I'll ever stop and thats the great thing about forums people can pass on suggestions and let you know what may be around the corner.We are soon going to be facing the challenge of high school so I'll be cross examining everyone on that score lol..

I also found it helpful to keep a 'meltdown diary' when DS was that age so that I could start to identify his triggers..It also helps you see the stages of meltdowns 1,rumbling,2,revvingup yelling etc,3 full blown !! You can then start working on what heads no's 2 and 3 off!
The supermarket thing may be sensory due to lights,noise,people invading his space etc and this will have an effect in many other areas too.Once you can find out what the things are that stress him you can either not put him in that situation ie I use Tesco.com lol or if you have to do it ie buy shoes,use pics to prepare him,prep the assistant by telling them they don't like their feet touched but will stand on the magic machine for them..that sort of thing.

Snaggles

D&DD wrote: »

My boy is a gorgeous blondehaired,blueeyed,dimpled cheeked heartbreaker to look at..people just can't understand why he is 'like that' when he goes off on one as he doesn't look different.

Snap!



I find it really difficult not to get cross with people who make nasty comments about him in the supermarket (it's ALWAYS the supermarket! I think it's because of all the different noises, and the echoeyness (it IS a word...lol! ). But if I just try to count to ten, and remember that if I react angrily, then Ryan will react in the same way. It's soooo difficult though!