Aspergers/ASD support thread

Savvy_Sue

TBH, I never found ignoring behaviour I didn't like worked particularly well with any of mine, but particularly not with DS1. If I didn't want him to do something, I had to tell him. And I have an adult friend who used to stand really really close, and then say "Am I standing too close? Does this make you feel uncomfortable?" And if you said "Yes" but did not go on to say "please move away a little" he wouldn't. I think he had enough insight to know that he was winding people up, and I think his wife got through to him that it wasn't acceptable behaviour!

Snaggles

Oh, just while we are talking about star charts, I found that Ryan responded best if we really limited the number of things he has a star chart for - just concentrate on the behaviour that is causing the worst problem. You can add others in once you are seeing a significant improvement.

And also, for your own sanity, don't pick something that you have to monitor all day long. So if you are targetting the aggression, you could have a star chart for 'being kind and gentle to Mummy', but also target the times when the aggression is at it's worst - so for example, from when he comes home from school, until dinner time. You could give a sticker every half hour or even every 15 minutes between those times, and you will be able to maintain that easily, but if you did the chart for all day long, it quickly gets boring for both you and the child.

Did that make sense?

Snaggles

I agree Savvy-Sue - I think there are some behaviours that CAN be ignored (if they are just irritating but not dangerous), but the aggression isn't something you can just ignore, because they do need to know it's not acceptable.

I used to always make the mistake of yelling 'DON'T GET SO ANGRY' at Ryan :doh: until I realised that I sounded every bit as angry as he did, so who could blame him for thinking that was okay, if he was seeing Mummy do it too.

Now I picture a thermometer in my head if I get cross and concentrate on bringing it down from the red 'hot temperature' bit, down to the blue 'cool' bit at the bottom, and that helps me to calm down. Okay, that sounds silly...hahaha...it sounded a lot more sensible before I actually typed it out! :rotfl:

Savvy_Sue

Whatever works for you ... :rotfl:

ms_piggy

hi blue monkey

first i want to say i think you are amazing and please ignore the idiotic comment made on the other board. I never fail to be amased at the ignorance we have to deal with. Personally i admire you for going to the supermarket-I would have made do with fish fingers!
regarding the move one CP advised me to give my son some control .I dont know how far your budget will streach but maybe you could suggest he choose a new duvet cover for the new house and choose the colour he would like in his room for the new house etc. he may well benefit from a thread of continuity so maybe a new toy to move house with him?
CAMHS team should be able to write something for the councel failing that GP, health visitor, school ,neighbours, friends anybody! However if that fails and you only get a 2 bed (this is preparation which I hope will not have to be used) maybe you could divide the room in 1/2 one being your son's part and the other belonging to your daughter ( i have heard of using tape to mark out the floor area)I know how difficult it can be for the siblings so your daughter needs her own space (this is one of the reasons I claim what I can. These kids affect the whole family dynamics through no fault of their own.With my first DLA payment I took my DD to build-a-bear and explained that this was because i appreciated that she had a lot to cope with. I was then able to hand her the basket and tell her to choose what she wanted- Her face was a picture!)
I think the reason your son seems to be ignoring your instructions is that these kids cannot transfer information.ie it was wrong to bite x when he was wearing a red jumper /we were at his house /we were in x room /his mum was there / the cat was not there etc . Change any of these and the previous instruction does not apply. I had told my son not to touch the toaster (caught him poking a knife in it:eek: ) some time later i found him again using the toaster. I got cross and said "I have told you not to touch the toaster!" he replied "that was the old one" I then realised that i had replaced the toaster and my origional instruction wasnt specific enough . I then had to
give a new instruction that he was not to use any toasters. This is a really tough field to get right but if you persist you will eventually find what works best for your son. I have had 21 years of dealing with ASD and I'm still learning and i still make mistakes! each child is unique and will need tailor-made coping strategies and alterations will be needed as they grow up (for us as well as them )
Snaggles ooh what a lovely photo made me smile looking at him!
The thermometer thing silly?no way! whatever it takes. I imagine myself watching the situation on TV!
The NAS used to do cards you could hand out stating your child was ASD. One of the best stories I heard about a shopping trip was as follows:
Mum doing weekly shopping for the family with ASD DS. She put in a pineapple (DS hates pineapples but it was for the rest of the family) continue with shopping... Mum notices DS buzzing ( you know when you can almost see the sparks coming off them!) and hurried up as much as possible. They were waiting in line at the checkout when DS exploded, got hold of the pineapple and launched it out of the trolly. He then shouted " I hate F***ing pineapples! The supermarket went deathly silent and all eyes turned to Mum who did a bow that was worthy of the royal sheakspear company and said in a clear voice "welcome to the world of special needs parenting!" then walked off head held high to comfort her son :T

Snaggles

ms Piggy, what a great story! I will keep that in mind next time at the supermarket - it will help keep the smile on my face!

My son would have done the same with the toaster too, I'm pretty sure. Thank goodness he's not quite tall enough to reach ours yet.

Savvy_Sue

ms_piggy wrote: »

I never fail to be amased at the ignorance we have to deal with.

But then there are all sorts of things I'm completely ignorant about, and how can we expect everyone to know about all the different behavioural challenges parents face?

Years ago, when DS1 was pre-school and before I knew he had mild AS, we were on holiday and waiting for a ride on a donkey cart or some such. As we waited, we were joined by what looked to me like a 10 year old boy who kept asking "When is it coming?" over and over and over and OVER again. Didn't think too much about it, but when it arrived, 'he' pushed ahead of us to get on, unaccompanied, continued to ask the same questions over and over and over again throughout the ride, and then when it was over 'he' grabbed hold of my arm and used me to jump down before anyone else, and 'he' really hurt my arm! No please, no thank you, no 'excuse me', and as DS1 was old enough to use these words I rather felt this 'boy' was too.

So I said - perhaps rather sharply, because my arm HURT - "I think you need to learn some manners, young man!" At which point, an adult a few yards away yelled at me and said "HE's a SHE, and SHE's autistic, can't you see that?"

Well no, I couldn't see that. This child had VERY short hair, was not wearing 'girly' clothes, and did not have two heads, or a big label that said 'Autistic'. And I knew very little about autism - why should I? And the repetitive "When is it coming?" was so like a two year old's constant 'Why?'s, which I was still in the throes of - for all I knew there were developmental delays, or maybe older children did go on and on and on and ON about things.

I just took DS1's hand and walked away close to tears, completely confused. Just how was I supposed to know this child was different? And specifically, autistic? Was it MY fault this child looked like a boy and hurt my arm? And was it necessary to shout at me?

BTW, I don't think the child even 'heard' my comment! Certainly did not appear to be upset by it.

Snaggles

Savvy, goodness you were up late, hope you are having a sleep in this morning. I really felt for you reading your post, because who hasn't said something without thinking about it? I know I've done it, loads of times.

I don't think we can change other peoples (I know there's an apostrophe in there somewhere but never know where to put it...lol) reactions to our children, but by keeping our temper, being polite and not retaliating, we are teaching our children to do those things too. Oooo, it's hard though, when you just want to turn round and yell and swear at someone who has made a nasty comment!

Savvy_Sue

Yes, I did get a lie-in: not up until 10.30 am! But then, teenagers seem to have lost the 'magic' of Christmas ...

I think that was part of my problem at the time: I did not perceive it as a 'nasty' comment. To me it was just a comment: this older child had practically flattened mine in the rush to get on, no adult had said anything then, this child had then grabbed me in her rush to get off, again with no adult there to help them down. It worried me afterwards that she'd been on the ride on her own: perhaps someone WAS with her, but it wasn't at all obvious, and all her comments on the ride had been fired at me.

Knowing what I know now, I think I'd twig quite fast, and I know our children have to learn appropriate levels of independence, but to this day I still don't know why that child was on the ride alone if the rest of us were supposed to make such allowances for her, without knowing we had to, IYSWIM.

Snaggles

Yes, I do see what you mean and completely agree. I think we have to strike a balance with our children between giving them the independance they need, and giving them the support they need, so that hopefully the situation you describe doesn't occur, because it wasn't fair on you or the child to be put in that position. I do hope you are not still harbouring guilt about it, because you only reacted in a completely human way.

Hope you are having a very merry Xmas - lucky you getting a lie-in, Ryan woke at 4am, then 5.30am, and finally got up at 7.30am!