Aspergers/ASD support thread

System

Hi everyone, I have a son who is 18 who was diagnosed initially with Dyspraxia when he was 6 then Aspergers 6 years ago. Snaggles pointed me in the direction of this thread - Thank you Mrs S and I have something that I would like your advice on. My son lives with his Mam and has been for the last 8 years thats when she split with her ex (not me). He is I would say not adversely affected by his Aspergers but he is to some degree. His mam has thrown him out before about 2 years ago after he had threatened her with a knife. That situation resolved itself but up until that incident he had no respect for his mam and treated her like dirt. Since then it has been building and she has thrown him out again, again because that he has no respect for her. She is suffering from depression, has piled on the weight and as a consequence I think she has a very low opinion of herself. My son is working on a plan to get back in her good books but I fear the damage may be irrepairable. He has no interest in getting a job which I think will kick him into shape. But before I go down all gunz blazing would his Aspergers be a significant contributing factor? If so, how can i get him to acknowledge that it may be a problem and convince him to get help in the way of counselling or chat forums where he can talk to other adult sufferers. I hope you can help me. Many many thanks Len

Savvy_Sue

His Asperger's MAY be a contributing factor, but I'm not sure to what extent. Frankly, many teenagers lack respect for their parents ...

DS1 does not 'do' affection and never has, thus he would never say "I love you mummy" like most little ones will. However he is a 'rules-based' person, so if the rules say "You will say goodnight to Mummy" or "You will say 'Thank you for my tea Mummy' before you get down from the table", then he will do that. Even though he 'feels' no thankfulness for the tea, nor cares whether I have a good night or not.

You can imagine what effect it has on a mum never to get the 'normal' emotional response from a child. So knowing that it's not me, it's him, was quite helpful.

I'm not sure now if DS1 'respects' me, or likes me, but he does stick to our 'rules', and I think he realises he has a pretty good deal from us - he's at Uni now, but doesn't have to pay rent at home, and I do try to buy his favourite food because he used to be very picky (although as his tastes have changed that's quite difficult!)

Other people will be better placed to suggest other forums where your son could 'chat' to other adult aspies, but I'd start by looking at the NAS site, there will be links there.

In the mean time, I'd be making it clear to your son what 'the rules' are. I'd do this for any 18 yo, as it happens, but for someone who runs on logic rather than emotion, it ought to be easier. However, if his 'internal rules' say that "my mum will never throw me out for good however vile I am" he needs to know that if his mum operates on 'tough love', then she will do what is best for him, and what is best for him is NOT to let him back home until he is willing to live by her rules, the first of which is "Don't diss the management." (I think there are 2 S-es in diss, but I guess I may be wrong ...)

Is your son currently with you? Does he treat you with more respect? Does he want to go home because he can walk all over his mum but not over you? These, for me, would be key questions. And looking to the future, does he WANT to live independently? Because the fastest route to that is to get a job!

System

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Is your son currently with you? Does he treat you with more respect? Does he want to go home because he can walk all over his mum but not over you? These, for me, would be key questions. And looking to the future, does he WANT to live independently? Because the fastest route to that is to get a job!

Hi Sue, thank you for your reply, was most infomrative. Well, I split with Ex back in 1990 when he had just turned 1. He has lived with his Mum ever since. She was in a serious relationship for a number of years but they split and for the last 13 years he has lived with just his mam. Because of my job I was very rarely at home when he was growing up. The split was and always has been very very amicable. I think he does treat me with more respect but that may be because I'm his Dad and when I say no to something he does listen and he certainly doesnt walk all over me. He is savvy to the idea that I will buy him stuff when I am home but if I aint got the money and I say no, he's fine with it. I'm not sure if he knows if he wants to be independent I just think he is deliberately avoiding getting a job; in fact he has never had one. A good friend of mine has plenty of work for him but unfortunately he needs someone reliable and my son kept letting him down so that is just not an option anymore.

Savvy_Sue

I don't know if Connexions would be able to help, as your son is under 19 he should in theory be able to access a Personal Adviser, although some people have found them as much use as a chocolate tea pot and they may not want to take him on if he's nearly 19. BUT that's the theory. Especially if your son has been doing not a lot (ie not at college and not working) since leaving school AND he has diagnosed difficulties. That makes him a NEET (young person Not in Education, Employment or Training) and the govt is very keen to have as few of these as possible.

It's very difficult, but I know I'd be making sure the financial facts of life were getting through to your son. I'm currently trying to do this with DS3, who's 16 and about to start 6th form (GCSE results permitting!) I'm not sure he believes me when I say that I am NOT buying any more 'stuff' for him, nor financing his social life: he'll get bus fares and lunch from me, and if he wants more he can get a job! (He won't get EMA.)

But you have to say it, and mean it. Mine know (or have been told often enough!) that once they're out of full-time education, if they come home they pay keep. Fortunately I haven't yet had to decide whether this starts from July or the autumn after they graduate, and maybe I won't have to for at least 3 years because I'm sure DS1 won't WANT to come home. But he knows the FFoL: money neither grows on trees nor sprouts magically from holes in walls. HIS money comes from the work he did before Uni, and his student loan, and the latter will have to be repaid. Any money his doting parents give him is only there because we work long hours in jobs we love. He'd better put some effort into finding something similar ... preferably before he graduates! :rotfl:

System

Thank you once again Sue. Len

fallen_angel_69

Just wondering how everyone is coping over the school holidays
I wish it would stop flipping raining and then we could go out and about i hate being stuck inside,although we have been to Statford and had to come home because we got soaked I seem to think the kids play up more when they can't go far mine seem to be arguing over the least slightest thing
,

Snaggles

A bit up and down here fallen angel, but generally not too bad. It's difficult when the weather is bad though, you can't even take them to the park to burn some energy off.

I love your avatar!

fallen_angel_69

went to see Hamlet all on my own nice to get some peace and away from all the stress It was really nice having time out by myself with no-one around.When i go again though i'm going with friends so i thought i would mark the occasion by having new avatar and signature as i'm david tennant freak.Have got dd2 as bad didn't want to hang around stage door with 60 or so other people on the of chance getting it signed .I sent the programme into the theater with a letter about dd2 and how she wanted his autograph and why i was unable to wait and within 4 days i got it back it's a wonder no-one heard the screams the other end of country.She's a real happy bunny at the moment she got a signed programme a photo that came a few weeks earlier and a John Barrowman one (his took 6 mths to arrive davids photo 10 days )she has made me buy photo frame for each and they are next to her bed and god help you if you move them The thing is she is telling everyone all the time i'm sure they get fed up soon I can talk changed my facebook picture to hamlet one so i'm just as bad

Snaggles

Mmmmm.....David Tennant.....:drool:

Doctor Who was my son's obsession until recently. He seems to be moving away from that at the moment (although still loves it), and onto Transformers. I am sooo gutted - I was quite enjoying being forced to watch Doctor Who over and over - now I'm stuck with bloody cartoon robot-car-type-things. :rolleyes: :rotfl:

fallen_angel_69

i'm very happy to be "FORCED" to watch dr who (have all box sets) or torchwwod for hours on end there's eye candy in both I must admit being only 2 rows back did nothing to curb my perving at David Tennant he's just as sexy in fleash as on tv I would be extemely gutted if she finds something else to obsess on but this has been going on since David took over dr who there isn't a inch in her room that doesn't have posters on it you buy her toys and all she asks for is dr who stuff We live 40mins away from Statford and on her birthday it's rsc open day David doing a talk (she to young) she wants a picnic and walk up to the theater just on the of chance she see's him coming out.I try really hard not to break my word (it's not worth the dicky fit she throws) but at this rate i've told her it'll be picnic in car and she said don't mind as long as we can go up to the rsc Hve booked tickets to see dance show there so at least she can look forward to that