Aspergers/ASD support thread

Sarahsaver

P N thankyou SO much for your insight again;)
my Ds is just like that, if he cannot handle something he hides, either within his noises, physically hides, starts putting things in lines, or sometimes just runs off, although he has done that less lately.
i dont mind that, thats how he works its just so hard getting his brother and sister to accept it, and people like my Mum, who thinks he is a 'naughty boy'.
i had a miscarriage last year so he asked me loads of 'technical' questions. He was not being insensitive, he just doesnt know what insensitive means.

i finished reading 'the curious incident of the dog in the night time' this morning and i would say to anyone on here you MUST read it especially if you are the parent of someone with Aspergers or even suspected Aspergers. It was like reading about my own son. His view of the world makes sense, getting people to view him in the right way is going to be a struggle sometimes.

SallyUK

Hello Pastures New

Thank you for your reply, I for one find your posts fascinating and really very helpful.

When I asked about you leaving school, I was wondering if you had found a job, if it was difficult to find a job, did you got to college, that's all I meant?

Sorry I didn't make that clearer.

Sally
x

PasturesNew wrote: »

I am not sure I understand how to answer the question "how you got on when it came time for you to leave school?". In what way? Give me examples please.

No I am not married. Rarely dated at all. Sum of all relationships (5 max) is 6 years out of the 31 years since I left school. I have never lived with anybody. I don't have a partner. In fact, I've only had two very short relationships (2-3 months each) in the last 20 years. And it's not because I am hideous or strange or the largest person in the world While not one to turn heads, I'm average enough looking, short and 135 pounds. On the question of why I never got asked out/chatted up, somebody said to me once about 10 years ago "You're fine until you open your mouth". I always took that to mean that the moment I spoke I was intelligent and the guys didn't like that... now I am thinking that what she really hit on was my odd way of speaking and questioning things and various other Aspie traits I have in conversation all rolled into one. Maybe she was politely saying "well, you're a bit odd".

I don't understand the question about how it was as I got older. I'd need examples of typical answers. As I only realised just 7 months ago that what's really been going on all these years, and I've spoken to nobody at all (just the people here), I probably can't answer it because I never knew all those years why things just weren't quite right, why I felt like I was living in a bubble/distant, I've just always never understood the way other people seem to think. I always thought they were crazy to not see things from my logical standpoint. And I've had complaints all my life about many things that I now know are ASD traits (e.g. ask me a simple question and I can bore the pants off you for 15 minutes while I give you the complete minutae, when all you expected was a polite 8 word answer). I've started to look more closely at things I've done all my life now.

e.g. I can't hold a conversation with anybody; I don't seem to have the skills to know a subject to be able to discuss it. If you ask me something that I know I can talk at you solidly for aaaaaages non-stop until I've spouted out everything in its entirety about it/how I feel/what I'd do/what they should do .... but I can't debate.

e.g. My chit-chat is primarily based around taking the mickey really. Making a joke of everything. While this can be amusing in the right place/time, I have in the past offended people over many things I've said when I was simply making a small observation or light-hearted joke. I've had people cut me dead, never to speak to me again. And I never knew why. About a week ago when I started to think about this, I would probably say that my ability to mix with people drops off once the people are past their early 20s. I sort of completely lose touch with where they've gone to in terms of conversation; what's expected. I have tended to hang out with a young crowd or on CB radio and now on the Internet. This is partly because older people aren't generally available for hanging out in any medium (families) and I wonder if it's partly because I just can't tune into their conversations easily. I offend too easily with just getting everything wrong. This is why in the main I stay away from the Discussion Groups here... there are some really scarey people on those and some are quite aggressive and huffy ... and if one kicks off at anything I say, I don't have the verbal skills to respond nor the desire to get into any kind of ruck. Younger people, on the other hand, are usually too into themselves or still maturing, so more accepting of somebody who is not as capable in the verbal department. I guess I can hide easier in that group. Not that I've done any real life socialising for a few years now to be honest. It's tailed off now and I am virtually a hermit.

Bit long-winded, but I hope some of that explains a little.

PasturesNew

SallyUK wrote: »

Hello Pastures New

Thank you for your reply, I for one find your posts fascinating and really very helpful.

When I asked about you leaving school, I was wondering if you had found a job, if it was difficult to find a job, did you got to college, that's all I meant?

Sorry I didn't make that clearer.

Sally
x

I've always worked. As I didn't know I had a 'problem' I just did what was supposed to be normal. Leave school, get a job.

I went to secretarial college (as I am a girl, the choices were secretary, nurse, hairdresser, factory/shop). I'd had problems in school so they certainly didn't want me there and I hated them too. Too much trying to force me to do what they wanted without good explanation/reason (I now know).

I've been in/out of work a lot though. Just never really settled, worked for very small firms (1-4 staff), companies closed/downsized etc. I just kept trying anything all the time. If nobody's told you you have a problem then you just keep trying. Trouble was, what I couldn't work out is, why I wasn't succeeding, progressing, getting on. Doing all the things you're supposed to achieve. Especially when you're supposed to be about genius IQ level.

So spent most of my adult life being made to feel really bad (family, friends, bosses, everybody) for being such a failure really.

And I am still at that stage really. Once you're over 30ish too, it starts to stand out that you've not had a career, a progression. And late 40s there's so much against you really.

Currently not working, but from choice. I could go temping, but that only pays £6/hour, so instead I work from home, doing some typing and on the internet... earning a lot more than that. So no need to actually go OUT to work. Anyway ... there's people out there. Big, scarey, nasty people that will make me feel "odd". Currently half-4rsedly looking to get back into IT contracting, but the desire to apply for jobs is hindered by the fear of the world. Once I get swept up in the process I'll end up working. I wouldn't actively not go to an interview or not go to the job at all. It's just at the moment I am applying and never hearing anything back. Or being phoned by agencies and saying "yes, put me forward" and not hearing anything back.

No rush though. Kind of spending the year finding out who I am anyway. And I think I'm nearly there.

NoahsPennilessMummy

Hi

I am having problems with the LEA:mad: ...like most others I guess.

My son is almost 5 and has Autism, he has a statement and the LEA give him 15 hours help a week.
He has help and one to one from 9 till 12 each day and nothing from then till3.
As a result he is failing some of the Foundation stage early goals as due to his autism he simply cannot do them without help.

I am currently at the stage of trying to get LEA to see my problem with this and up his support level but I doubt they will.

I really feel I have no choice but to fund his afternoon help myself if LEA refuse:rolleyes: ....but how on earth do I go about this?
Someone was on here once about Direct Payments you can apply for to help fund support for your child....does anyone know anything about this or anyone have any advice on what to do next?

I am also looking at SENDIST but not much idea where to start there either and how much it will cost etc?

Savvy_Sue

Snaggles wrote: »

That's a nice way of phrasing the question SS, I think I will borrow' that.

Talking of uncomfortable clothes, Ryan has informed me that he wont wear sandals because they feel like ripped shoes. We eventually settled on a pair of Spiderman Crocs (or Asda's version of), which I think he still thought felt funny, but the lure of the Spiderman on the front of them won him over and he's getting used to them quite quickly.

DS1 has never worn sandals, stays in shoes and socks all through the year. Doesn't wear shorts either. DS2 is the same: says his feet don't get too hot in shoes. DS3 likes me to buy him a pair of sandals, but I've never seen him wear them!

Savvy_Sue

NoahsPennilessMummy wrote: »

I am also looking at SENDIST but not much idea where to start there either and how much it will cost etc?

I have skimmed a few pages of the SENDIST site, and as far as I can see it doesn't HAVE to cost you anything, you can even claim travel expenses! Of course it WILL cost you if you feel you have to instruct a solicitor, and you can't claim legal aid.

Have you phoned IPSEA or looked at their website? They may be helpful.

mandy.h_2

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

DS1 has never worn sandals, stays in shoes and socks all through the year. Doesn't wear shorts either. DS2 is the same: says his feet don't get too hot in shoes. DS3 likes me to buy him a pair of sandals, but I've never seen him wear them!

the clothes and choes i have bought over the years and given away unworn i could have opened my own shop with them . i have now learnt if ds not with me dony buy because there will be somthing wrong with it.

went to ds presentstion for his local rugby club last night oh made effort and came all went well ds won man of steel we were very proud.

talent Scouts from superleague clubs there asked his coach (who also happens to be ds best friends dad and so knows about his condition) why he was not playing for town team as they cant pick him for a scholarship unless he is . they said they have seen him play for his club a few times and thoughthe had potential. coach went on to explain about him not liking to me new people and he is only ok at club level cos hes been there since being 5.

Ds in tears then cos wants to go further but cant bring himself to go to trials,my heart breaks at times for him he wants to live a normal life but at times i forget how vulnerable he is

Savvy_Sue

I suppose the answer is baby steps. Is there another lad at the club who might try out for the town with him? If not a friend, it might mean there was someone there to speak for him! And not everyone would be new. Obviously the club would need to know why he didn't want to speak for himself.

I can sort of understand the thing about new people, but would it help him to remember that everyone he now knows and can cope with was once a new person?

PasturesNew

Been having a bad day, bad few days I guess. Things going round in my head.

Anyway, I've got a group of online people I've known years, chatted to daily. And we pretty much share the minutae of our daily lives, down to what topping we've just put on our toast! So we tend to discuss many things of a personal nature, randomly.

And tonight somebody said something to me that I've heard 1,000 times before. "You don't let anybody get close to you".

I said "I would. Just nobody's ever wanted to"

And that got me thinking ... I don't know about being close with anybody. About sharing. I have never been close to anybody. In fact, I asked what they do when they're close to people and all the things they said were alien concepts to me. But all the others agreed with their list. It was all just, to them, everyday stuff. From relationships (because they've got or had them).

I've been told there's a wall around me by people many times. I've been told I don't let people get close to me a number of times. Then I got to thinking about other phrases people had used in situations that felt similar. And I think quite a few of the "you're weird" comments from guys have been in similar situations. All these things I heard, but never knew why they said them. I never knew what they meant. Really meant.

There's that whole raft of other things I've been used to hearing, where people tell me "just relax", "just chill out", "let yourself go". And another set of phrases where people aren't quite getting where I'm at and use the term "bitter", when I am just saying things how I see them, not being or feeling bitter at all. Just matter of fact; factual.

So what is that? What is "close"? How do you get close to people? I'd think I was open to being close, but it seems I've come a long, long way short of it.

So, have I really been so hard to know all these years?

I'm starting to recognise one major cause of relationship breakdown with me. All relationships. With new people, people I work with, people I've had to mix with, bosses, parents, teachers, the lot. Everybody. It's where I've not understood what they've said/meant - and I've taken something literally and missed the mark. Then, in getting it wrong, I've really pushed HARD to get them to explain exactly what they said/meant to explain my reply. I've been told many times "just let it drop", yet I didn't. I always wanted to know what I'd done wrong, because I didn't know; I genuinely never had a clue. And then they've got 4rsey, then cut me dead and walked off.... and I'd be stood there, never understanding what just went on. And never knowing how to recover from it. In all these cases I've abandoned any interpersonal relationship with that person because I just didn't know what had gone on or how to get beyond it or repair it.

The crash and burn, repetition of this has lead me to where I am today: really feeling it's easier to stop trying as I really have got no idea how to communicate with people 100% of the time. I think I get it right (or it's not minded) about 50% of the time, by the grace of people's generosity it now seems. But then I do a BIGGIE and really blow things by somehow really p155ing people off; they say I've just said something really insensitive often; yet I don't know what it is, or why ... usually right up to that very second I've thought we were getting on great, having a chat ... and I've just made some kind of light hearted joke.

I don't see either of these changing. But now I am starting to make sense of the crazy world that's been my locked away life.



Hope that didn't sound "too mad". As I've said before, sometimes it's hard to put things into words for you NTs :P

Snaggles

I do enjoy your posts PN, you describe your feelings so eloquently. Have you ever thought about writing a book based on your own experiences?

I have a similar pattern of crash and burn relationships - I start off well, but then either I do something that annoys them, or I bore them, or the friendship overwhelms me and I back away.

For quite a few years I backed away from friendships altogether, and I was quite happy to just have my hubby as my only real friend (he's also almost certainly on the spectrum, which is probably why we have a turbulent but enduring relationship). But over the last couple of years, I have started to be more open to friendships. I'm not sure why that is, but goodness, they're hard work aren't they. They involve going out, socialising, making conversation....things I'm not naturally very good at. And I find I have to really think through what I'm going to say, because otherwise I will say something really insensitive, or I will miss the little cues that would tell most people to change the subject, give a hug, ask a question.....etc.

So no, I don't think you sound mad - just insightful and honest.