How do you budget with your other half?

ian1246

It sounds like your already subsidising him and saving jointly in a completely reasonable and responsible manner (rather than excessively so). Being slightly harsh, he either needs to mature financially and take responsibility or look for a better paying job.

If you reduce savings, you'll potentially be compromising on essential savings - which could lead to financial issues later down the line. Sit down with him and go through the finances and perhaps have a discussion with him on what things he can cut out on his personal spending so that he has more disposable income?

Herbyme

I recognise the OPs situation and I’m curious about the idea that you can just sit him down and explain the numbers and then he will change his behaviour.

I have similar problems with my partner, who loves poring over investments and shares but won’t budget. He’s now dipping into our joint savings because he spends more than he earns (he is on a very good salary, about triple mine, though I used to earn about the same, so am always on the back foot). He will agree to budget but then won’t do it, spends lots on coffees, lunch at work, won’t take sandwiches, etc etc. As my efforts to budget just affect my small part of the finances, it feels pointless even trying, but I’ve started squirrelling money away in secret - not quite sure what for, except that way I can’t be moaned at for not being able to pay my way (eg my tax bill - extra hard to budget being self employed with fluctuating income)

Excuse the rant, but I get that it’s not as easy to change someone as it may seem!

getmore4less

Often the best way to change behaviour is to find goals that motivate change.

Long term might be retire earlier but that is a big leap for a first step

Medium term might be better house/mortgage free.

Short term might be better holiday, new car.

Rich1976

Yeah absolutely agree with both your comments. Whether it is a psychological thing I dont know but it is incredible the amount of people who havent a clue where their money goes and live paycheck to paycheck.

In my husband's case he admits that he finds budgeting boring as he associates it with being restrictive and taking the fun element out of life. Meaning he has worked hard for that money and wants to enjoy it.

What I need to get over is yes we do need to make sure we have enough to pay the bills but also the amount we put away is used for useful things like holidays but to also accept that if something was to go wrong with one of our cars like we had recently there would be not as much stress in working out how we're going to pay for the repair because we would have the money saved up.

Zero_Sum

Rich1976 wrote: »

Y


In my husband's case he admits that he finds budgeting boring as he associates it with being restrictive and taking the fun element out of life. Meaning he has worked hard for that money and wants to enjoy it.

Its amazing how many cant see the wood for the trees with this outlook as its completely counter productive.

By being financially organised, means you can identify the wastage & actually have more money for the fun stuff.

Maybe try explaining deferred gratification, and show in the long run you'll have more fun after a few short term cutbacks.

TiberUK

We don't really. I pay the rent and most of our direct debits out of my account, my partner sends me her share at the start of the money and after that we just sort of transfer to one another (usually pay most things 50/50) as needed. Its generally pretty informal to be honest.

But we are currently finalising our first mortgage and looking at starting a joint account so we can keep track of outgoings in what is sure to be a very financially taxing upcoming few months.

The joint account is a bit scary to be honest, but I think its the right option for now. I could actually see us going for split accounts again at some point in the future when our finances have normalised again and we aren't tracking every pound spent

Rich1976

TiberUK wrote: »

We don't really. I pay the rent and most of our direct debits out of my account, my partner sends me her share at the start of the money and after that we just sort of transfer to one another (usually pay most things 50/50) as needed. Its generally pretty informal to be honest.

But we are currently finalising our first mortgage and looking at starting a joint account so we can keep track of outgoings in what is sure to be a very financially taxing upcoming few months.

The joint account is a bit scary to be honest, but I think its the right option for now. I could actually see us going for split accounts again at some point in the future when our finances have normalised again and we aren't tracking every pound spent

Generally I've found a joint current account to be a very good thing have we've had one for about 15 years. We only use it for the household Expenses , all of which are on DD. We rarely use the debit card.

How do you deal with Savings ? Do you keep your own or are those joint?

TiberUK

Rich1976 wrote: »

Generally I've found a joint current account to be a very good thing have we've had one for about 15 years. We only use it for the household Expenses , all of which are on DD. We rarely use the debit card.

How do you deal with Savings ? Do you keep your own or are those joint?

I did say we don't budget very formally but I suppose we do. We know exactly what our bills are going to cost every month and account for this in advance. We have never missed a payment on anything. I suppose we just don't have formal budgets for food etc.

When it comes to a joint account I certainly see the advantages of having all of our direct directs from mortgage to phone contracts in one place.

In terms of savings? We had a help to buy ISA which we both paid into, but we also both have a separate savings account that we try to pay into every month - we have always considered this joint savings even if its held between a couple of different accounts. Probably not the most efficient method but it never seemed worth changing.

trailingspouse

dreaming wrote: »

I agree with posters who have said that there is no right or wrong way to do this. However it is important that you both agree how to split the finances. You say your OH "isn't interested in anything financial" and leaves everything up to you to sort out. To be honest this is the first thing I would tackle - get him to sit down with you and go through the essential bills, then agree on other joint expenses, then agree how to split the rest. I know how hard it can be with someone who is unwilling to face things but I was in this situation for many years in my marriage. Over the years I got fed up with digging my OH out of the finacial holes he kept getting himself in due to his carefree attitude, and fed up with never getting stuff done on the house as every time I had saved some cash it seemed to go on paying off various credit cards and loans he had taken out. If I tried to talk to him about things he accused me of trying to control him with money. At some point I realised that although I had "control" over the finances I actually had no control as he would see the savings pot and book a holiday, or buy a guitar, or a new computer. Towards the end of our marriage I did open up my own account which he wasn't happy about but he still carried on as if we were rolling in funds. We weren't, although we should have been comfortable as were both earning good salaries and the kids were pretty much grown up. In the end I had lost all trust in him but realised that I had been enabling him in his actions. Since we split I have bought my own house (all paid for now), my own car, and taken early retirement. He is still working and on the odd family occasions that I see him he spends most of the time grumbling about little cash he has, and how "lucky" I am to be in the position I'm in (obviously doesn't realise how hard I have worked for it).
I'm not saying this will happen to you - maybe your OH will realise how unfair it is to leave everything you and start to play their part in the decision making. I just know how much I ended up resenting my exOH for putting me (us) in the position we were in, and the fact that he had pushed me into being the one in charge (someone had to be) then complaining when I tried to rein in his spending but would not discuss it with me. I think "finances" can be a major source of relationship difficulties - not necessarily how much (or little) you have or who earns more but how it is allocated and how those decisions are made.

I could have written this word for word. In the end I stopped telling him how much we had in savings, because if he knew it was there he would find something to spend it on. He never got us in to debt - but he made some crazy spending choices. Now we're separated, my income is much reduced but I feel much more secure financially.



I totally agree with other posters, that if you're not working together as a team when it comes to the finances, life can become very difficult.

Ask him why he thinks he should have more 'spends'. He's not a kid, he shouldn't still be getting pocket money. Why are his 'wants' more important than your (joint) 'needs'?

edgex

Rich1976 wrote: »

Yeah absolutely agree with both your comments. Whether it is a psychological thing I dont know but it is incredible the amount of people who havent a clue where their money goes and live paycheck to paycheck.

In my husband's case he admits that he finds budgeting boring as he associates it with being restrictive and taking the fun element out of life. Meaning he has worked hard for that money and wants to enjoy it.

What I need to get over is yes we do need to make sure we have enough to pay the bills but also the amount we put away is used for useful things like holidays but to also accept that if something was to go wrong with one of our cars like we had recently there would be not as much stress in working out how we're going to pay for the repair because we would have the money saved up.

The issue is that your both already along the 'money' road.
He isn't a child, you can't go through the theory of how & why to budget, it's too late for that.

There is a sum of money available each month as spending money. Then there is what it is currently being spent on, & what he would also like to do/spend.
But, it's not adding up.
So, you need to identify what it is currently being spent on.
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/60382012#25


The gym membership has presumably been running for a year, if not more.
The monthly massage wont be a recent thing.
So; why the request now for more money? Why is there an overdraft? Why is their credit card debt?
Even changing those will only free up ~£50 a month. So what happens when that is all spent?
(& any money released by those changes should go towards clearing debt, so there wont be any extra spending money for a few months at least)


Is there possibly some resentment & push back against some of what is being saved for?
eg. saving for a holiday is the right thing to do, but are you deciding how much the holiday can be, or where you will go, in advance & aiming for that. Instead, could you just save a regular amount to a holidays pot & use it for any holiday whenever you like.