Financially worried about the future, how do other families manage?

SingleSue

A word of caution if I may...

My (now ex) husband thought it would be a good idea for me to return to work and to be honest, I was raring to go back as I felt like I had lost my identity a bit. It certainly wasn't through boredom or a surplus of time as two of our three children had disabilities which meant I had no downtime at all, even during the night.

Due to the type of disabilities involved, no child care facility would take the younger two on, so we were forced into me working in the evenings when he was home to take over, so in that respect we were lucky there was no additional child care to pay. However, we lost our tax credits, the carers allowance I was receiving and we had extra costs for clothes suitable for work, travel etc - it took a couple of years before my salary made up for those losses and we were showing a positive.

Unfortunately, ex soon tired of having to do all the child related things in the evening, the restrictions my being at work caused to what he wanted to do and the resentment started....I was loving being back at work though which I don't think helped, I would come back home on a high and he would be frazzled from the putting to bed routine and cleaning up after them after a long day at work (although my days were just as long, if not longer, just the other way around, I would be frazzled looking after them all day and would then go to work which in turn energised me).


Fast forward to five years later, by this point I was surviving on a broken two hours sleep at night (he was by this point refusing to help out during the night, their needs meant that someone had to), rushing around like a headless chicken during the day (appointments, school visits, therapies etc plus youngest despite being school age was not full time at school) and working any spare hours I could during the day plus doing my usual evening hours. There were also certain expectations on the workload at home by this point as his resentment had grown so much (it didn't help that I could earn more than him by working fewer hours, I'd been the higher wage earner before children too), that all the home and child related things had become my responsibility once again and woe betide if I didn't do them to his satisfaction or in a timely manner (but still with the expectation that if I had any 'spare hours' when I didn't have the children during the day, that I would arrange for extra hours at work otherwise I wasn't pulling my weight financially)

Financially, we were doing brilliantly. Mentally and physically I was breaking...and in the end my brain broke resulting in a long recovery period and of course, a sizable period of time on sick leave from work.

It broke us too - we separated the same year I had my breakdown.

I'm not saying this will happen to you, it is very unlikely it will happen to be honest but whilst it takes away some pressures, it brings in new ones too and it is important that you work as a team. Responsibilities at home would need to discussed and workload distributed fairly plus you would need to take into account that financially, the reward may not be immediately obvious due to the loss of the tax credits, although saying this, it is worth it in the end and it is better than waiting and trying to restart a career when the children are older you do eventually come up in the positive just don't expect an instant improvement in your finances.

peachyprice

MrBrindle wrote: »

And for those commenting about receiving handouts now and again, so what do you suggest, just drain our savings for the next few years until we have nothing left?

.

Ok, so just what ARE the savings for, if not the help you in times like these?

Seems to me you want to hold on to your savings for nothing in particular, just so you can say you have five figure savings, while they could be used for easing the burden now.

Sorry, I really don't understand this mentality.

VintageHistorian

Someone suggested filling out an SOA to see where your money is going. Although your wife is looking at big moneysaving ideas, such as solar panels, you may find that actually cutting down your food budget is easier. But only if you see how much you're spending on it.

With your savings, perhaps you should start compartmentalising them so you know what they could/will be spent on in the future. So £3k will go on a second-hand car when one of yours finally bites the dust. £500 will go on a new laptop (frankly you'll probably find this a good investment when your kids are at school as there will be a lot of "for the Maths homework use xyz website to practice numeracy skills" and doing it on a laptop that doesn't crash every 5 minutes will be more productive in the long-run). £4k is to be kept for a household emergency (i.e. boiler replacement) etc.

Also are your savings benefiting from being managed properly? Are you filtering them in to savings accounts that have a limited amount to pay in per month, but that have a higher interest rate than a normal savings account? If you look at the MSE Savings forums you can get some idea of how other people make the most of theirs.

Are you and your wife also using things such as cashback websites? Getting in to the habit of checking them any time you need to buy something means you can get a few quid off purchases in the long-run. Quidco also has an insurance comparison tool that has their cashback rates built in to it, any time you have an insurance that's due to run out (car, buildings/contents being the main ones) you should be using a comparison site to find the cheapest deal. It can be time consuming (and could be something you ask your wife to do) but it can save a decent amount of money in the long-run.

Also if your wife has time and the stomach for it, start phoning companies you have a regular contract with (such as your broadband company or car breakdown company) and threaten to cancel, and see what deal they come back with. I threatened to cancel my RAC breakdown cover and they came back with a price freeze and a 15 month contract (paid annually, not monthly).

I can completely understand why she wouldn't want to go back in to care work. Low pay, poor hours (you might find she can't get hours that work around school), and a regular dose of verbal abuse from clients. Also if you're not able to get hours to suit then you'll probably find that the cost of breakfast clubs or after school clubs will wipe out a good few hours of her work. It sounds like she's trying to be as practical as possible, while you're just resenting the fact that she's not working.

We don't have any children yet, but I'm still trying to find out childcare costs in our local area so it's less of a shock when the time comes. My husband couldn't work out why I'd want to know this in advance, but was shocked when I told him a good nursery could be around £60 to £70 a day. THAT'S why I looked it up. It has to be a consideration, otherwise you'll be horrified when she goes back to work and can only contribute £50 a month to the household because childcare has eaten up so much of her wage.

JWM

peachyprice wrote: »

Ok, so just what ARE the savings for, if not the help you in times like these?

Seems to me you want to hold on to your savings for nothing in particular, just so you can say you have five figure savings, while they could be used for easing the burden now.

Sorry, I really don't understand this mentality.

100% agree.

You have at least £10,000 in savings but are taking hand outs from your parents? And that's OK because 'they can afford it'??

Newsflash - YOU CAN AFFORD IT TOO

Honestly you need a reality check fast. You have more savings than 90% of working parents. What exactly is the point of these savings?

ska_lover

I am so sorry SingleSue to read about your situation. You sound like a very strong lady inspite of all you have been / are going, through

That really does highlight a few things well worth thinking about

Being a carer is hard work, the stress, responsibilities etc, as well as working outside of the home. I empathise with your situation

pollypenny

Are you speaking Welsh to the children, OP? You could involve your wife here and label things around the house. Learn a few Welsh nursery rhymes. Colours are easy.

A teaching assistant is not going to need much Welsh anyway. Only one TA in my school spoke Welsh.

fred246

I am quite a bit older now but I think I used to feel the pressure that you feel. My wife had a good career that earned good money. Not as much as me but good. She didn't really enjoy it though. When we had children she gave up work to look after them. I was happy with that. I had this feeling though of loads of dependents being totally dependent on me. If she went back to work if anything happened to me things would still be OK. She wouldn't go back though and she never did. I had to do everything I could possibly think of to keep my health and job intact. The only hope I had was that if anything did happen to me she would then start working again. I think the pressure only really went when the mortgage was finally paid off. Whatever happened then we would still have our home.

Redacted

Do the parents you are taking handouts from know you have £10k+ in savings?

And do they have £10k+ in savings with at least a similar income level to you?

If yes to both, then I think it’s fine from time to time. If no to either question, then I think you’re being selfish and a bit cheeky.

I also think you are doing better than a fair number of households. Also, you’ve only recently made some of these choices - surely you didn’t go into them blind?

In terms of comparison, for us:

We are stopping at one child. Part of the reason for that is personal but part is financial.

My partner works full-time. I work part-time. I went back to work when our daughter was 10 months old. We are lucky in that my mum provides 1.5 days of free childcare, but that is a bonus. We had planned financially for having to pay for everything we needed when making budgeting choices and looking at the number of hours and structure of the hours that I would work.

I am looking to increase my hours shortly. Almost all of the extra pay will go on childcare, but it’s a decision made with an eye on the future. It ensures I have these extra hours in the future, and we’ll see the income benefit eventually when the 3 year old childcare funding kicks in.

We made compromises when we bought our home, in order to keep the cost of the house lower and the mortgage low. Even now that I work part-time and have childcare sacrificed from my pay, it represents less than 20% of our joint net pay.

We will look to move in 2-3 years, if we can afford it. By that time the 3 year funding will have kicked in and hopefully i’ll have increased my hours further again.

On an income of £24k supporting a family of 4, you are doing well to have a 4 bed home and £10k+ in savings. Sometimes you just have to stop and count the blessings you do have and realise that life is almost never without compromise.

Would you be happy to come home from work and have your wife go straight out the door to an evening job? Or to work every weekend? Could she earn enough working mid-week to cover the cost of childcare for 2 children and also the loss of tax-credits commensurate with the extra income earned? If not, really what would be the point?

getmore4less

£10k savings may sound a lot to some but without a sound budget for the next few years it could get wiped out quickly.

Job loss could distroy it in months.

Solar panels and an electric car and they will have debt.

getmore4less

Parts of Wales 4 bed houses are cheap the differences to smaller places are minimal.