Financially worried about the future, how do other families manage?

seven-day-weekend

Lioness_Twinkletoes wrote: »

I honestly think you're over reacting; talk about First World Problems. You have a four bed house for 4 people, two of whom are really small, a small mortgage, five figure savings & two cars. Perspective...I have a two bed house for three adults (one of whom is really big), one car and I rent.

You need to realise you are in an enviable position. The issue appears to be with your wife and her return to work. Some good old fashioned conversation would help with that - but she makes a valid point about schools. If you are determined that she should work (and indeed she should) she'll need to look at getting an evening job, so you can take over childcare.

That is not a kind thing to say. Anxiety is a very real mental health condition, and it actually makes no difference as to what your situation actually is. Your anxiety will find something to latch onto and in the OP's case it is his fear of financial insecurity. If it wasn't this it would latch onto something else. Please try to be more understanding.

baroley

I appreciate your need to have a nest egg and your frustration at not being able to add to it at the moment. I would just like to suggest that this is not the only way to measure your financial situation. You are now successfully supporting a young family with a secure home that you own and in all likelihood the value of which is increasing.

Someone needs to care for your children on a day to day basis and currently that is your wife. I always think that the people who have got life hacked are the ones that share the care so that both can work if not necessarily full time. This situation will change as your children get a little older. Your wife may well have lost confidence in being able to work outside the home and will need some encouragement to move back into work, but you will need to support her in this and to pick up some of the responsibilities for running the home/childcare etc. It is a bit of a trade off.


You mention you own a four bedroom house. Could you make the house pay its way by renting out a room? Airbnb, students etc. This, minus costs could be saved and as your wife would be managing this, you could see it as her contribution to savings? I did this when the children were small and worked part time (receptionist) before retraining.


However, these all have certain down sides and the two of you need to weigh up the costs and benefits. You may well examine it all and think that the way you have your lives organised currently is the best way for now. Communication is essential or you will both be resenting each other for perceived pressures.

Teacher2

I worked full time as a teacher right through having two children (with a short maternity leave time for each) and the logistics of organising four people ‘s lives were horrendous. The strain of having a partner out of the house commuting and working for twelve hours a day and of juggling teaching and child rearing took a real toll on my health. Still, it enabled us to pay the bills.

I think you have choices and they have both positive and negative consequences. However, I reckon that whether both partners work or only one there is no escaping the relentless, worrying, backbreaking decade or so that having young children growing up confers on parents. No one escapes it.

I agree with other commenters that you are in a relatively secure position with a house, low mortgage and two cars. Enjoy that and don’t worry about others who may be sitting in a pile of debt for all you know. Feel the joy and pride of being a husband, father and provider. You are an unsung hero.

Happier_Me

I agree with teacher2. Whatever your approach to raising your children, there is an element of stress that goes with it. It's not an easy time for the majority of us - less money, more outgoings, no time for you, less time for chores - throw in some sleep deprivation (a lovely gift from my daughter in particular) and this life stage has the potential to cause stress that leads to longer term mental health issues.

I have worked a mixture of full time and part time hours since having my first child 14 years ago. I was the main earner prior to this and had more flexibility to reduce my hours, although the job itself never really changed.. as many part time professionals find, you end up managing the same workload with fewer paid hours, alongside the joys of bringing up a young family. Despite reduced hours I have financially contributed as much, if not more than my husband over the years - I've always felt it was expected of me - all whilst functioning on a practical level as a single parent due to my husbands hours, his continued refusal to change his job or routine and, in the first few years, his reluctance to accept he should have a role to play in helping with anything that had an impact on his job, such as managing sick days and school holidays. I can count on one hand the times he's dropped off or collected a child from school or before/after school club - those times have coincided with me being hospitalised! Despite this, he is a lovely man, a good husband and great father, honest .


I know my mental health has suffered over the years and there have been times I have really resented our set up.

You need a plan as a family that you both agree to and work towards. This should involve your wife going back to paid work when the children are at least in full time school and it should also cover how you will both manage the practical side of school drop offs and collections, households chores, sick days, school holidays etc. You can still get the balance wrong with two parents working as I have found out.

A plan should help to manage your anxiety. It does me anyway.

And finally, for those who are stating that the OP is overreacting. On paper I have a healthy financial situation, I know this, but it doesn't fix my mental health. I get some comfort from it at times but what you have doesn't change the fact you still have bills to pay or stop you dwelling on the what's if that could take your financial security away.

Hopefully you're still reading this thread.

kiwi77

This thread has been an interesting read.
First off - don't listen to those who say you are 'lucky' to have a five figure buffer in terms of savings. The rule of thumb is to have 6 months of living expenses put away in case of job loss or some other change in circumstances. Just because this is not the reality/possible for many people, doesn't mean that you should not strive to maintain this.
It seems you have not quite accepted that when you have a family you can't realistically maintain the same saving spendings as before you had kids. Get your head around the fact that this is a relatively short period of financial constraint in the greater scheme of things. Your wife has said she WILL go back to work but you need to work out together how your domestic arrangements will work when she does - it is NOT her sole responsibility to make sure child care is covered - they are your children as-well. It may make sense on balance that she does not work until the children are at school full time ... when she is working more domestic labour will fall to you. If you are more occupied on the domestic front because she is working this will take you away from your design work - which potentially could be more lucrative than her job.
The only way forward is to work together - what are your goals, what are the realities of family life with kids (eg childcare, being available to take your kids to clubs/activities etc) and how are you going to work to both your strengths to achieve your goals - for you as a family, for you as a couple and for each of you as individuals. This plan could helpfully be broken down into bite sized chunks - maybe 6 months, a year, 2 years, 5 years ... this will perhaps be advantageous in helping you manage your anxiety around your financial situation. It's not static - you adapt and change according to your stage of life - as a couple ... it might feel painful now, but once you can see and agree with your wife that your role as the SOLE breadwinner is actually relatively short term (eg, until for example your two start school full time) then it might not leave you feeling so aggrieved.
For context ... I am a mother of one child - we both work full time and it sone hang of a juggle. We fork out £1300 a month nursery fees ... it's a lot of money but we chose to have him and we firmly believe in equality in terms of sharing the financial burden. That is largely because of the type of job I do though ... if I dropped my hours I'd be doing a full time job for part time pay. We view the nursery fees as a household expense which comes out of a joint account which both our salaries go into. It's not about the cost of childcare being covered by MY salary - he both our child!

ccostello451

I guess because it’s a financial advice forum everyone’s focusing on how much you have and what a good position you’re in. That won’t help if your head isn’t in the right place - it’s like telling a depressed person that they have lots to be happy about.

Anxiety is a real condition that you need to get on top of. The best ways are mindfulness and CBT and, if you can’t get to a proper course (look online, ask GP or health services in your area as many are free and flexible), there are a lot of great apps such as calm and headspace. This also will probably require you to talk to OH, but the topic of conversation should be about how you are feeling and how it is affecting you without being tempted to push everything on her.

This is no easy ask I know. But you could double your salary and still find things to be anxious about. Invest in your mental health so that you can have the best relationships with your family. In a house with two small children I’m sure you can find a lot of hugs

Beans27

I can appreciate how you feel Mr Brindle - I'm in a similar situation, main earner whilst partner has looked after our son for the past 2.5 years since I went back from Maternity leave. It IS stressful being the only one bringing in money, I've definitely had to get used to not saving the majority of my income, there's none to save now! But like others have said, it won't be forever.


Your wife does have a point, who would do the pick ups/ drop offs for children when they are at school if she's working full time? If you are going to have to pay someone, seems a bit pointless. We've gone down the route of partner starting his own business - might be worth exploring for your wife? Oh, and not sure if it's the same in Wales - but in England you only get 30 hours free at 3 if both parents earn over a certain amount - so we won't be getting it unfortunately.

tgroom57

Not everything has to be new, choose things that'll last. I'd prioritise a new laptop- my HP cost under £400 from Debenhams, but I've also had another repaired recently, £40 for the screen. My phone is over 5 years old and on a sim-only deal and I am under no pressure to replace it. I also fixed up an ipad with extensive cracking just by using a £1 screen protector and a snazzy folding cover.

Service the cars at least yearly, because they are expensive to replace.
Stay where you are if you can - the only benefit to owning a house isif you stay there more than 3 years. Less than 3 years between moves and any profit goes in fees. Do a rough calculation of what your recent moves cost you. If your new build house is less than 10 years old would the leak be covered under the NHBC 10 year warranty?

Find what works for you and yours, and do your own thing. btw, that design work sounds promising. *waves from Wales.

Maria1305

To be honest with trying to run 2 cars and owning a new build 4 bedroom house on 24k, I am not surprised you are struggling to meet basic needs. Even swimming lessons for kids is a luxury for any parent. May I suggest you downsize to a smaller house and get rid of one car. It will take some adjusting but in the short and long term periods it will free up some money.

JillieA

There is one other thing to consider. I know many parents just can't manage it, but a stay at home mum is very beneficial to small children. There are psychological studies which say that actual brain growth is different for children who are minded by a stay at home mum (or dad or gran) up to the age of 7 and that missing this cannot be retrieved at a later stage. It is a struggle I know, because I was a stay at home mum when my husband wasn't earning a very big salary and we didn't have very much in savings, although my mum and dad did buy us things from time to time and treat us out to dinner. We had a mortgage and we went without holidays and a lot of other things for the first seven or eight years but after all, you have your children because you love them and putting them first for a few years is part of the deal. Don't worry, you're doing OK and as the children get older, it will get a bit less stressful.