Money Moral Dilemma: Should my husband pay more towards bills while I'm on maternity leave?

onwards&upwards

NeilCr wrote: »

As Pollycat says my post was really aimed at the "I feel sorry for you" comment.

However, there is no reason why you can't have separate finances and children. My best friend is usually paid in cash - her partner (who earns more than her) has his money paid into the bank. She tends to buy the day to day stuff (shopping etc) and he pays the direct debit bills. And then one or the other picks up other costs as it goes along. I know she doesn't know how much is in the bank account - and I am sure he isn't aware of how much cash she has. Over the years the balance of how much each has earnt has swung between the two.

When their son arrived and all the while he was living at home they operated exactly the same way. They made sure between them that he had all that he needed without having everything in a joint account/whatever.

Pollycat is spot on. There is no right way here - just what works for the couple involved and the OP has to talk to her husband if she is dissatisfied.

I think it is perfectly possible to argue that there is more trust and honesty in a relationship where there are separate finances than in one where every single penny is accounted for by both parties.

That’s not really separate finances though, that’s just separate accounts but still budgeting as a unit.

The idea that each partner always has to contribute exactly 50% regardless of circumstances is not sustainable. In this case it’s as though only she became a parent so only her finances are affected, that’s not right!

What if in 10 years dad wants to take the kids to Disney but mum can’t afford it? Will they also get separate Christmas and birthday presents?

pollypenny

Mojisola wrote: »

This is really important - you will lose much more than just a year's wages.

Has he considered sharing the parental leave with you?

This is a crucial point. As time goes on, the mother's career, and finances, tend to fall behind.

NeilCr

onwards&upwards wrote: »

That’s not really separate finances though, that’s just separate accounts but still budgeting as a unit.

The idea that each partner always has to contribute exactly 50% regardless of circumstances is not sustainable. In this case it’s as though only she became a parent so only her finances are affected, that’s not right!

What if in 10 years dad wants to take the kids to Disney but mum can’t afford it? Will they also get separate Christmas and birthday presents?

To be honest I don't really think they "budget as a unit".

They just get on with it, though, obviously, they have to have conversations as any couple will (joint finances or not). As with the Disney and presents examples - you talk about it. All about trust and honesty.

50% each is sustainable regardless of circumstances if both parties agree and are happy with that arrangement.

Back to my main point. Couples work differently and there are no rights or wrongs as long as it works for them.

John1951

This lady is asking the wrong question. If she has to ask MSE for an answer to this MMD rather than discuss the matter calmly and sensibly with her husband, who by now should have shown some understanding, and reacted to the change in her circumstances if not pre-planned for it anyway, she should be asking whether she should even be married to him. As the song says, "there may be trouble ahead.....".:(

biglugs

I have always earned considerably more than my wife. All our money goes into one current account. When she had our children we used our savings to allow her to have a few years off, then go back part time for a few years, and now she is full time.
We have never considered or thought about the fact that we earn different amounts, or contribute different sums to the pot. "We" have income, and "We" have bills.
If you have to ask your "husband" for money because you've spent "your" maternity savings, then you've married the wrong man and left it at least a year too long to get rid of him.

biglugs

Nerol wrote: »

I think pooling money is usually something of the past and for the older generation as they got married and then moved in together after marriage but I’m afraid it doesn’t work like that anymore.

Exactly - because modern couples set up their marriage in anticipation of separation, not anticipation of spending life together as one single family. Tragic, but that's how life is these days.

I feel sorry for my kids who are facing a world like this.

marich

What kind of marriage/partnership is this ?


Will he also want paid for baby-sitting while you go out to work to earn the pennies to pay him and hopefully have some left over to pay for your share of the food for yourself and 'your' baby ?


What if you had not saved - would he be throwing you and the baby into the street (into the snow and the rain in the middle of the night) ?



Quit now . You'll be better on your own .



I despair !

onwards&upwards

NeilCr wrote: »

50% each is sustainable regardless of circumstances if both parties agree and are happy with that arrangement.

.

What if one becomes permanently disabled and can never work again, or if they have twins and childcare becomes unaffordable so one stops working for 3-4 years, or if one wins the lottery or inherits a life changing amount, or if one has a career that makes a lot of money while the other has a career that is essential and valuable but low paid or one loses their job and struggles to find another so is benefits or a low paid/insecure job for an extended period?

All circumstances, really?

In some of those situations sticking doggedly to 50/50 would result in either one partner getting into serious debt problems or a couple where one has a much higher standard of living and financial security than the other.

NeilCr

Pollycat wrote: »

I think it was the 'I feel sorry for anyone who keeps earnings and expenses separate' comment that the poster you quoted was getting at
Nobody should feel sorry for anyone whose finances work just because it's not the way you do it.

And that's really the point.
It doesn't matter how I or anybody else does it.
The OP is clearly not happy with the way it's working for her and she needs to discuss it with the only other person involved.

onwards&upwards wrote: »

What if one becomes permanently disabled and can never work again, or if they have twins and childcare becomes unaffordable so one stops working for 3-4 years, or if one wins the lottery or inherits a life changing amount, or if one has a career that makes a lot of money while the other has a career that is essential and valuable but low paid or one loses their job and struggles to find another so is benefits or a low paid/insecure job for an extended period?

All circumstances, really?

In some of those situations sticking doggedly to 50/50 would result in either one partner getting into serious debt problems or a couple where one has a much higher standard of living and financial security than the other.

As I actually said "regardless of circumstances if both parties agree and are happy with the arrangement"

Clearly, there are going to be situations where it may have to be re-evaluated because of a major change. And then in a grown up, trusting and honest relationship you have an open conversation about how to deal with it.

The sticking doggedly on this thread seems to me to come from those who refuse to believe there is a different way of dealing with the finances than how it works for them

The MSE Stepford Wives/husbands/partners if you like :)

onwards&upwards

NeilCr wrote: »

As I actually said "regardless of circumstances if both parties agree and are happy with the arrangement"

Clearly, there are going to be situations where it may have to be re-evaluated because of a major change. And then in a grown up, trusting and honest relationship you have an open conversation about how to deal with it.

The sticking doggedly on this thread seems to me to come from those who refuse to believe there is a different way of dealing with the finances than how it works for them

The MSE Stepford Wives/husbands/partners if you like :):)

Why resort to insults?

You said it 50/50 can work in all circumstances, now you’ve admitted it can’t but chucked in a snide comment too for some reason when you know nothing of my situation, I don’t even live with my partner and have no plans to share finances!