Money Moral Dilemma: Should my husband pay more towards bills while I'm on maternity leave?

crmism

Your take on this seems to me to be a very mercenary approach to marriage, as if one of you pays for some things, and the other spouse foots the rest. The whole point of a marriage is that you share everything and it doesn't really matter who pays what. You saved for the occasion, you aren't working, and that's what your savings are for, aren't they?

Presumably, you both decided to start a family, so what will be the arrangement for bringing up your child? Will the time and money spent on that be apportioned too?

You really ought to speak to your husband about your concerns, rather than air them in public.

Merlin's_Beard

So, he's absolving himself of all responsibility for his own child by shoving the entire financial responsibility onto you?

Easy. Hand him a bill for ongoing childcare for the amount of time you care for the baby, make sure it's the going rate for the baby's age/your area/the hours you actually do (including nights).

It will probably more than cover your half of the bills.

Then sit down and remind him that your non financial contribution to the marriage - taking time off work and your career and looking after the baby - is just as important and an equal contribution to the family as his going to work is.

Equal doesn't mean splitting all bills 50:50 regardless of anything else. It's certainly as possible to do a marriage with split finances as it is with joint ones, but not like that.

onwards&upwards

NeilCr wrote: »

Sorry, but I feel this is really condescending. It's this type of post and the one from Superfast Granthat I was referring to earlier.

I know a number of couples that have separate finances and their relationships are absolutely rock solid and they are as honest with each other as the day is long. My marriage was absolutely fine from the financial point of view (we just grew apart for other reasons) and we worked that way, too.

Whatever works for you as a couple works for you. Personally, I find the sort of relationship where couples do everything together and know exactly what the other person is doing every second of the day rather odd. But I have friends who live like that and they are happy. I'd never go round saying "I feel sorry for them"

There is no "better" way of how a relationship works. I think it's a shame that some folks feel theirs is somehow superior to others.

Separate finances can work when you’re a couple, but when you choose to have children you’re not just a couple anymore you’re a family and things have to change.

Mojisola

Merlin's_Beard wrote: »

Then sit down and remind him that your non financial contribution to the marriage - taking time off work and your career and looking after the baby - is just as important and an equal contribution to the family as his going to work is.

Equal doesn't mean splitting all bills 50:50 regardless of anything else. It's certainly as possible to do a marriage with split finances as it is with joint ones, but not like that.

This is really important - you will lose much more than just a year's wages.

Has he considered sharing the parental leave with you?

scataudo

Not enough detail here really, but here goes:

Why did you save £23k for leave if it isn’t for paying your half of the bills? Ice cream in the park? A bigger car?

You’re right – you’re having the time off. Be glad you can afford to save £23k to subsidise the time off with your baby. Time your husband will not get.

You could always split the leave 50/50 seeing as that’s your usual arrangement. That way there’s no ill feeling in later years.

It seems odd to me that married couples commit their lives to each other and then have separate money. How exactly will you keep track of equal spending when you’re up to your elbows in nappies? It seems like unnecessary labour to me. Each to their own.

My advice is to split the money 50/50 (why should he subsidise your leave if you saved for that exact purpose?) or have him pay the extra, then give up 6 months of your leave and do the same in return.

Personally I have always remained at work whilst my wife took the leave and has worked as a part-time teacher for 12 years. We have one bank account and that is our arrangement. It was a while ago so the government wasn’t totally committed to equality because it didn’t allow parents to share leave. If it had been, you can be sure we’d have split it right down the middle.

Best of luck to all three of you. Enjoy the early years. They’re amazing.

AndrewHawthorne

For the record, my wife and I have two shared bank accounts, into which all of our joint income is deposited. One account gets the salary, and transfers enough each month to cover bills and contingency savings into the other. Whatever is left in the first account is available for joint spending. No review, no restriction, just trust in our partnership.

I recognise that your circumstances may not be so fortunate. However, from your language, I wonder whether you might have created this moral dilemma . You say you saved money from your salary. Great! Now you're spending that money. So far, so according to plan. But is that plan what you discussed and agreed with your husband? If so, and you're now spending those savings as agreed, why the change of heart? If you did not discuss this and you made all of the decisions yourself, can you really be disappointed if your husbands behaviour isn't as you had perhaps secretly hoped?

Sharing your finances like my wife and I do may not be right for you, but in my view whatever approach you take should be taken by agreement and understanding. If it was and your feelings about your agreement have changed, then it's not a moral dilemma, it's time for another discussion.

If you did what you did on your own and you're not happy, then perhaps it's time to begin talking. Better late than never, but just be aware when starting the discussion that your husband may have no clue what's on your mind or how you feel. Money's a sensitive topic at the best of times and it's a tiring and emotional time of life for both of you. Tread carefully and good luck!

Pollycat

onwards&upwards wrote: »

Separate finances can work when you’re a couple, but when you choose to have children you’re not just a couple anymore you’re a family and things have to change.

I think it was the 'I feel sorry for anyone who keeps earnings and expenses separate' comment that the poster you quoted was getting at
Nobody should feel sorry for anyone whose finances work just because it's not the way you do it.

And that's really the point.
It doesn't matter how I or anybody else does it.
The OP is clearly not happy with the way it's working for her and she needs to discuss it with the only other person involved.

happyinflorida

So you've had a baby together but not discussed the money side of things before, during or after?! Why not?

Whilst you've gone through all the pregnancy, giving birth, looking after baby, used up most of your savings - what's he done?

Sounds a very unhealthy marriage to me, get talking and sort it out before it's too late and why you've got this arrangement that you have everything separate and he's still expecting you to contribute during maternity leave, I fail to understand.

Ashagill

This is a fascinating one. Every relationship is different, and some couples pool all their money together, which is fine if it works for them, and then there's me and my partner who also keep our finances separate for the most part and pay into a joint account, which is also fine.
I don't think it makes a comment on whether people should be married or really love each other or anything like that, I guess it goes towards independence, and I don't see anything wrong with maintaining independence while being in a caring relationship.

Someone hit the nail on the head when they said it's about maintaining balance.
If my partner were to fall ill and not be able to work, I would without question support him, and just as I know he would, without question, support me if the circumstances were reversed.

There's no way of sharing the labour of having the baby, and even though I would plan to keep working (as i'm freelance and love my jobs) for as long as possible, there would inevitably be a point where it's not healthy to go to work every day.
In order to maintain the balance, I think I would expect to lean on him a bit, just as if he was the one having the baby (!) I wouldn't want him working every day and harming his own health and the potentially the baby's.

I also want to note that everyone is different. People can be traditional and non-traditional, and it doesn't make them bad or good people. This is supposed to be a moral dilemma, and really the questions are "what would you do in this situation?" ergo, comments along the lines of "don't be having a baby" are not helpful or an interesting part of the discussion.

NeilCr

onwards&upwards wrote: »

Separate finances can work when you’re a couple, but when you choose to have children you’re not just a couple anymore you’re a family and things have to change.

As Pollycat says my post was really aimed at the "I feel sorry for you" comment.

However, there is no reason why you can't have separate finances and children. My best friend is usually paid in cash - her partner (who earns more than her) has his money paid into the bank. She tends to buy the day to day stuff (shopping etc) and he pays the direct debit bills. And then one or the other picks up other costs as it goes along. I know she doesn't know how much is in the bank account - and I am sure he isn't aware of how much cash she has. Over the years the balance of how much each has earnt has swung between the two.

When their son arrived and all the while he was living at home they operated exactly the same way. They made sure between them that he had all that he needed without having everything in a joint account/whatever.

Pollycat is spot on. There is no right way here - just what works for the couple involved and the OP has to talk to her husband if she is dissatisfied.

I think it is perfectly possible to argue that there is more trust and honesty in a relationship where there are separate finances than in one where every single penny is accounted for by both parties.