Husband kept Debt a secret

[Deleted User]

lauretta wrote: »

Quote OP
"But my mother has let us live with her for barely nothing for years to help us out. So I think in turn we should help her out when she is in need. Not that I expect my husband has to Help but am very grateful he has and I do tell him that. It's very difficult living with my mother but that's what we where saving a deposit for so we could get a mortgage and move out."

Now go and troll someone else. I stand by my opinion.

Since when was £800 a month "barely nothing" because the OP and her husband have each been paying £400 a month to rent a room in the mother's house? If by the OP's logic £800 is barely nothing then the husband's debt is peanuts.

Marvel1

lauretta wrote: »

her mother has been subsidising both of them financially for 5 years; also, these debts have been run up at her address. If she is both ill and entering her senior years where she may need to apply for benefits, I would think it essential that she be informed if a bad credit rating could be applied to her home.

I stopped reading after this - linking property to credit rating.

Humdinger1

RDavies

At least you've cleared the air and have the chance for a fresh start. I can see how all this happened, but it reads like he's the lowest in the pecking order and your relationship just isn't being prioritised. You need to get your own space urgently because living with parents when adult is going to infantalise you both. You don't have to cut off contact with your mother but do need to put your marriage first now in my opinion. Good luck

calleyw

Lover_of_Lycra wrote: »

Since when was £800 a month "barely nothing" because the OP and her husband have each been paying £400 a month to rent a room in the mother's house? If by the OP's logic £800 is barely nothing then the husband's debt is peanuts.

Glad you posted that. As how has the Op being saving while working part time and earning £650 a month if they are each paying her mum £400 a month?



The bulk of the money has come from the husband. So no wonder he has debt if he has been paying £800 a month then paying all his own bills. He wanted to spend some of his own money on him self.


The OP says he has not been used as a cash cow. But that is how it seems to me. He has been paying for everything and getting little in return apart from a bedroom. I know I would be hacked off.



Yours


Calley x

RDavies1

My husband hasn't been paying £800 he has been paying £400 and I have been paying £400. We both paid same amount. I had £250 left over each month. I had a full time job a few months back earnings £1000 a month so literally put any spare money into my life time Isa. Even with just £250 I still was paying £100 or so into the deposit. I've just literally not been able to do anything or be extremely careful. I actually lost my job due to health issues with migraines. The stress of caring for my mum and working full time and a job that triggers migraines meant I had to find part time work for now. As I said I am on the reserve list for civil service but they take over 6 months or more to actually give you a start date.

I also went online and got a tax rebate for us being married and my husband was meant to have put it into his deposit to help him out as he didn't have as much saved as me. However he has spent that as well. He told me he had put it in though.

seashore22

calleyw wrote: »

Glad you posted that. As how has the Op being saving while working part time and earning £650 a month if they are each paying her mum £400 a month?



The bulk of the money has come from the husband. So no wonder he has debt if he has been paying £800 a month then paying all his own bills. He wanted to spend some of his own money on him self.


The OP says he has not been used as a cash cow. But that is how it seems to me. He has been paying for everything and getting little in return apart from a bedroom. I know I would be hacked off.



Yours


Calley x

The op also says that they couldn't rent anywhere for £800 a month, so that doesn't sound like a cheap area. I'm surprised that they can buy a house on a monthly income of £2,000.

RDavies1

Am not talking about £800 rent am talking about £800 in total. That includes rent, bills and food. Most rent in my area is £500 and bills are probably going to come to around £300/400 food £200. My mum is also going to give us a little bit of money when she sells her house in a year or so (she only is paying interest on her mortgage but put down 20k on the house and probably make 20k extra on it). She helped towards the wedding money wise and so did my dad. So he's not just been used. My family have helped us a lot as a couple.

I've managed to not get into debt and save money into the deposit and had to pay out the exact same amount each month as him. As long as he paid the £400 and a bit of money into deposit say like £300 a month he could do whatever he likes with the rest of his money. To me having £600 a month left over to do whatever you want with is a really good amount. Hence why I can't work out getting into money trouble or also why I should feel sorry for him.

belfastgirl23

Everything else aside, do you know what it is your husband wants?

It sounds to me like you’ve been forging ahead with very clear plans, and well done on that. Are you absolutely sure that he shares your priorities? Because it isn’t sounding like that to me. I don’t think this is so much a spending problem as a relationship problem. The lying would worry me a lot more than anything else. But why is he lying? My mother has a saying that some people make a liar out of you (as in they don’t hear you or refuse to engage with you when you tell the truth so you feel forced to lie). I do not know if this is you, but it may be worth thinking about.

I don’t have any answers here but from my own experience, relationship problems come from two people not just one. And reflecting on yourself and your own behaviour and actions, and taking responsibility where appropriate, is painful but necessary. Blaming someone else is easy. There is a bigger picture here if you want to see it. And no one else can see it for you.

System

RDavies1 wrote: »

Anyway I did reach out and apologised for the whole situation with my mum and the ultimatum and so on. We are going to talk next week but I don't know if there is a future anymore. Sounds like he be better off without me.

Jeez, that escalated quickly :rotfl:

Exodi

RDavies1 wrote: »

I told him if he doesn't take it seriously and come down and speak tow me and my mum (I couldn't even really think clearly so needed my mum to see if she could talk some sense into him) or me and him are over.

This isn't meant to serve as advice but I'd like to give my reactions to this. I know you've been scolded for involving your mother a lot already but I have personal experience with this as in the past my partner used to try to involve family and friends in our arguments, and I'll be honest, nothing made me angrier. The lack of respect to try and humiliate your partner by sla**ing him off to family and friends is completely unacceptable. To try and rub his nose through the dirt to a mutual connection is beyond humiliating and I had some extremely serious words about doing this (ironically as did the family and friends as it's none of their business). You mother should not even be aware of his financial circumstances in the first place as it's none of her business.

(I know I'm taking shots against you, I truly don't mean to be offensive, it's quite a personal subject for me). The second thing she did was make ultimatums, and that is probably the second thing that was sure to make steam come from my ears. Ultimatums (or let's address it by it's proper name: blackmail) belittle your relationship and the commitment you have for each other.

She doesn't do either of these now, and I think it originally stemmed from immaturity. I actually think that's the case for you because you've mentioned breaking up - so - many - times, it doesn't make your relationship sound very serious.

I really don't think the debt thing is as big a deal as you make out, especially not worth throwing about the d word over.

EDIT: sorry, I also think the counselling thing is way over the top as you've mentioned it quite a lot. To go to counselling over less than £2,000 would be like trying to remove a weed from your garden with a hand grenade. He'd be sat in a room with people with gambling problems and £50,000 debts whilst having to 'accept' that he has a problem because he likes to buy himself computer games!

I think you should have said you're upset, disappointed and betrayed as he lied to you and ask him how you can move forward from the situation. The rest of this farce has almost made you as bad as eachother IMO