Husband kept Debt a secret

calleyw

seashore22 wrote: »

The op also says that they couldn't rent anywhere for £800 a month, so that doesn't sound like a cheap area. I'm surprised that they can buy a house on a monthly income of £2,000.

That was what I was thinking but did not like to say anything as it seems that house buying is what she wants and not him. And now everything is his fault because he racked up a bit of debt. There is a lot more to owning house then just buying it.



Some people are rubbish with money and always will be rubbish with money and some will never change.



I still think the husband has a raw deal. Not having his own home and space for 5 years. And then for his wife to gang up on him with her own mother. Sounds all very childish.


Not sure why the OP thinks he will return back in to that house. Start from the beginning. Start dating and see each other a few nights a week and take it from there. But the OP also has to change her reactions to things that happen as well. Yes it hurtful that he had not told her about the debt. But we can see why with her over the top opening post.



I would be more annoyed about him not telling me than the debt its self that can be cleared with less than a year.


Yours


Calley x

onwards&upwards

RDavies1 wrote: »

Hence why I can't work out getting into money trouble or also why I should feel sorry for him.

Well I suggest you have a good think about it and be ready to actually listen to him and try to understand when you meet up next week, or it will be completely pointless as you’ll just be telling him off again for all the same stuff.

KiKi

Assuming that you pay for your own mobile phones, gym, clothes etc, and rent is £500 where you are, then £800 per month is really not that great a deal. You're saving maybe £100/£120 a month, and the price you pay is not having your own space for five years, not having privacy for five years, him listening to you and your mum bickering for five years, you sacrificing a full time job to be a carer, so losing more money in the process etc.

He screwed up - he shouldn't have lied. But is £120 a month worth it? And to put up with that for five years - no matter HOW focused on your future you are - is a really tough ask. Would you want to live with his parent(s) for that long?

Jumping to divorce and counselling without any consideration of these other factors is really concerning. I agree - the 'finances' issue is just a symptom of the relationship issues.

The future is important - but don't live for it at the expense of every day. You never know how long you have left.

KiKi

TomokoAdhami

Isn't normal to get debts in life? Yes, it sounds awful and gives great panic when you hear the first time that your partner didn't share the truth but keep in mind what matters the most. Of course, it's your relationship. Your husband has a job, and he will pay back the debt soon. Be relax and behave like a good human being who doesn't run behind money as compared to acting like a typical wife. Secondly, he was there for your mom. So, it is better to keep your mom away from your personal business with your husband. I hope you will never mind my advice. It was only my honest opinion.

paddy's_mum

The trouble with hiding debt by telling lies is this - "what other things have you lied about and what other debt exists that you are also not telling me about?"

All relationships of whatever kind are built on trust, whether that is your spouse, your GP, your boss...damage that trust and the edifice is in grave danger of collapse.

System

paddy's_mum wrote: »

The trouble with hiding debt by telling lies is this - "what other things have you lied about and what other debt exists that you are also not telling me about?"

All relationships of whatever kind are built on trust, whether that is your spouse, your GP, your boss...damage that trust and the edifice is in grave danger of collapse.

We're not talking about a 30k gambling debt here, we're talking about running up a probably arranged overdraft. If my wife had used her overdraft, I wouldn't bat an eyelid, it's hers and I expect her to keep an eye on it. I've probably lost more money down the back of my sofa.

[Deleted User]

RDavies1 wrote: »

Am not talking about £800 rent am talking about £800 in total. That includes rent, bills and food. Most rent in my area is £500 and bills are probably going to come to around £300/400 food £200. My mum is also going to give us a little bit of money when she sells her house in a year or so (she only is paying interest on her mortgage but put down 20k on the house and probably make 20k extra on it). She helped towards the wedding money wise and so did my dad. So he's not just been used. My family have helped us a lot as a couple.

I've managed to not get into debt and save money into the deposit and had to pay out the exact same amount each month as him. As long as he paid the £400 and a bit of money into deposit say like £300 a month he could do whatever he likes with the rest of his money. To me having £600 a month left over to do whatever you want with is a really good amount. Hence why I can't work out getting into money trouble or also why I should feel sorry for him.

Yes I am aware that the £800 is all in but it still sounds a lot to be a lodger in someone else's home in an area where you can rent an entire flat for £500 + bills. To me the saving of £200 (or less) a month would not be worth living with the in-laws for 5 years.

onwards&upwards

Lover_of_Lycra wrote: »

Yes I am aware that the £800 is all in but it still sounds a lot to be a lodger in someone else's home in an area where you can rent an entire flat for £500 + bills. To me the saving of £200 (or less) a month would not be worth living with the in-laws for 5 years.

OP’s mum was very unwell, so I don’t think it was jus5 a financial decision in terms of what was best for them.

It’s good that they were happy to help family in t8me of need, but the time to move on and live as a couple seems to have long since passed.

mai_taylor

I lived with my husband and his mum while we were saving to move house. I saved much more into the house deposit than him because I was more desperate to move than he was and I was happier to give up luxuries. I knew he would be completely miserable if he couldn't go out with his friends occasionally and buy the computer games he wanted. Your husband needs to have a life as well. His debt isn't that bad and can be sorted out, why don't you help him instead of talking about divorce? I'm not surprised he didn't tell you when you've completely overreacted. If you can't handle this small bump in the road then how are you going to handle other potentially worse situations? I would suggest that you are the one that needs counselling.

You shouldn't be looking at houses until you've got a full time job, you can't afford half the bills on your wage and will just put too much pressure on the relationship. I think it's partly your fault for rushing into trying to buy when you don't have the finances to do so.

[Deleted User]

onwards&upwards wrote: »

OP’s mum was very unwell, so I don’t think it was jus5 a financial decision in terms of what was best for them.

It’s good that they were happy to help family in t8me of need, but the time to move on and live as a couple seems to have long since passed.

I get that. Really this living arrangement was to help the mother out financially and physically. It's the OP's claims that the mother was letting them live there for 'barely nothing' that is a load of old cobblers.