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Husband kept Debt a secret
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I do understand where you are coming from about not getting my mother involved. In hindsight I would of handled it better. Getting an unbiased opinion now I can see it from his side how it's comes across. It's very hard where there is 3 of is in this house together. We have lived with my mum for over 5 years as it's enabled us to save for our wedding and towards a deposit. As I said in my original post he does have a lot of good qualities. But my mother has let us live with her for barely nothing for years to help us out. So I think in turn we should help her out when she is in need. Not that I expect my husband has to Help but am very grateful he has and I do tell him that. It's very difficult living with my mother but that's what we where saving a deposit for so we could get a mortgage and move out.
As for cutting him some slack I have no issues with him spending his money however he wants (as long as he has paid his bills and into deposit first) but it's not right that he is going into his overdraft and into debt over these things. He kept spending money even though he was getting deeper into debt. I would love to go out with my friends more and go out for lunch and buy new shoes but I know saving for our future comes first. In my eyes he's only thought about himself in all this and not about how it affects me.
As I said If I was just about the debt I would support him but it's the lying and the carrying on living the life of riley whilst getting deeper into debt that's the issue.
I don't think I overreacted. He constantly lied to my face for months about putting money into our deposit. He let us put an offer into the house (messing about estate agents and the seller and brokers as well) when he knew we couldn't get it. The sad thing is if he had came to me saying he wanted to borrow some money to go on stag do (this is where it all started) could of sat down discussed it together and got an instant free credit card and it wouldn't of been an issue. Instead he's got himself in a mess and lied to me and destroyed the trust. Clearly there is an issue in him feeling unable to communicate with me maybe or he just thinks am going to do what I want and deal with the consequences later. I just know if it was me I wouldn't be applying for a credit card without discussing with him first. It's different than just buying yourself a little treat that you can afford.
Prehaps when both our heads are clear in a week or so we should meet and discuss what's happened and if there is a way forward. I think some kind of councilling is needed. I don't think am perfect either but I would never lie to him about anything and discuss everything with him constantly.0 -
Jeez, I thought the debt was going to be 000's when I first started reading.
I'm assuming the problem is that you haven't got the deposit you thought you did, because that amount of debt won't necessarily stop you getting a mortgage.0 -
I do understand where you are coming from about not getting my mother involved. In hindsight I would of handled it better. Getting an unbiased opinion now I can see it from his side how it's comes across. It's very hard where there is 3 of is in this house together. We have lived with my mum for over 5 years as it's enabled us to save for our wedding and towards a deposit. As I said in my original post he does have a lot of good qualities. But my mother has let us live with her for barely nothing for years to help us out. So I think in turn we should help her out when she is in need. Not that I expect my husband has to Help but am very grateful he has and I do tell him that. It's very difficult living with my mother but that's what we where saving a deposit for so we could get a mortgage and move out.
As for cutting him some slack I have no issues with him spending his money however he wants (as long as he has paid his bills and into deposit first) but it's not right that he is going into his overdraft and into debt over these things. He kept spending money even though he was getting deeper into debt. I would love to go out with my friends more and go out for lunch and buy new shoes but I know saving for our future comes first. In my eyes he's only thought about himself in all this and not about how it affects me.
As I said If I was just about the debt I would support him but it's the lying and the carrying on living the life of riley whilst getting deeper into debt that's the issue.
I don't think I overreacted. He constantly lied to my face for months about putting money into our deposit. He let us put an offer into the house (messing about estate agents and the seller and brokers as well) when he knew we couldn't get it. The sad thing is if he had came to me saying he wanted to borrow some money to go on stag do (this is where it all started) could of sat down discussed it together and got an instant free credit card and it wouldn't of been an issue. Instead he's got himself in a mess and lied to me and destroyed the trust. Clearly there is an issue in him feeling unable to communicate with me maybe or he just thinks am going to do what I want and deal with the consequences later. I just know if it was me I wouldn't be applying for a credit card without discussing with him first. It's different than just buying yourself a little treat that you can afford.
Prehaps when both our heads are clear in a week or so we should meet and discuss what's happened and if there is a way forward. I think some kind of councilling is needed. I don't think am perfect either but I would never lie to him about anything and discuss everything with him constantly.
Perhaps I was a little harsh in my original reply but in some respects the sentiment stands.
In some ways i feel even more sorry for him because for 5 years it's not been just the pair of you it's been you, him and your mum....do you have anywhere apart from your bedroom where you can have those sort of conversations in private?
The thing is he hasn't let you down with his lying by omission....he's affected you both and he knows this.
Like all people who spend their way into debt HE has to have his lightbulb moment & it may be that this helps him get to that moment.
Just remember you catch more flies with honey than vinegar0 -
No it's not about the debt it's about the lying. If he is getting into debt now with £1000 to do whatever he likes with how on Earth will he be able to afford a house, bills and future children. I could give him a second chance but there is a big chance he will do it again and next time there will be a lot more to lose.
He's had issues managing his finances before but i put that down to being naive and young and thought he turned a leaf. He certainly told me he had.
He has to want to change himself or it's just going to keep happening. He gets into debt I get angry and he changes for a year or so and then just goes back to his old ways. I don't want to have to constantly be looking at his finances and treating him like a child it's no life for him or me.0 -
The thing that stood out for me is you getting your mum involved, it's nothing do you with her, it's between you and him.
Hopefully you work it out.0 -
gettingtheresometime wrote: »Perhaps I was a little harsh in my original reply but in some respects the sentiment stands.
In some ways i feel even more sorry for him because for 5 years it's not been just the pair of you it's been you, him and your mum....do you have anywhere apart from your bedroom where you can have those sort of conversations in private?
The thing is he hasn't let you down with his lying by omission....he's affected you both and he knows this.
Like all people who spend their way into debt HE has to have his lightbulb moment & it may be that this helps him get to that moment.
Just remember you catch more flies with honey than vinegar
No we don't have anywhere private but our room it's a nightmare to be honest And has a real negative effect on the house and relationship. If we rented we would find it very difficult to be able to save for a deposit. It's a difficult situation and its not like I tell him to man up and get on with it I sympathise and I hate it as well as me and my mum tend to bicker a lot. I also feel like am piggy in the middle and I have them both moaning at me about each other and having to defend both and stand up for my both. But that's what's so frustrating I feel like he can't see the bigger picture that yes right now its a bad situation but we will soon have our place to live in.
He decided to walk out anyway and not been in contact. To be if feels like there isn't a marriage to save. I understand him not wanting to talk to my mother about it but I thought by now he would of contacted me to talk. He's acting like am in the wrong. From all your advice if he gets in contact with me and wants to talk about I will and hopefully our marriage can be saved but it won't be easy to rebuild the trust and marriage counseling will definitely be needed. Am open to help but it's whether or not he is really. But hearing all your opinions has helped to see things more from his side. It's all very raw at the moment and shock and anger is still very much there.
I know it's nothing to do with my mum. I really only wanted her to maybe give us some advice like she was saying to me he can go to citizen advice for help and prehaps he could do with some councilling etc. At the time I couldn't think straight and I shouldn't of made it an ultimatum. In my mum's eyes and mine she was trying to help him but in his it most look like she was interfering.0 -
You’re both in the wrong. If you want to sort it there’s no reason why you shouldn’t reach out first.
If I was him though it would take a lot for me to willingly go back into that living situation, it sounds like a nightmare and maybe this is the catalyst to realise he can’t carry on like that.0 -
OP You say in your first post your husband earns twice as much as you do, then you say he earns £1300 per month, so you earn £650 per month?.
Also £13000 for a deposit on a house, you do realise how much more money you will need for furniture, other costs etc?
Also for 5 years he has been living in a house not his, with 2 women.
I think he may have felt trapped in a situation not of his making.
Ok he lied to you but honestly he probably felt you are too obsessed with money and he just wanted to do things his mates were doing. You are only young once.If you go down to the woods today you better not go alone.0 -
You are saying the debt is £800 and £1800
This is fairly ease to sort out if your husband wants to, at least he has a job and is earning, it just seems he is spending it on different things to what you want / have agreed.
I suggest you go and find him and take yourselves to a netural place and have a long chat about what you both want and find some middle ground.
Things could be MUCH WORSE. I know it's not the amount, but the principle, however judging by your post if I were him I would have thought twice about fessing up...This is a system account and does not represent a real person. To contact the Forum Team email forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com0 -
He's being a bit of a plonker. Mostly with the timing - the amounts are absolutely in the realms of manageable but oh dear the timing.
You have both been living in a house of cancer which is hard on the nerves of all, patients & relatives.
You started a new job & booked a date with the broker which precipitated an unexpected sharing of unwelcome information - and your husband may well be wrong that that debt means you can't get a mortgage, but if you in the same post immediately leap to the worst possible conclusions then there is perhaps a bit of childish behaviour on both sides.
He's been caught not on his ground with his hand in the cookie jar - of course he's going to feel sorry for himself as he is in the wrong & knows it. Paging mum & contemplating divorce lawyers? That he's fled elsewhere for sanctuary is almost reasonable.
Indeed, you could do with a break too - sort carers for mum & get the heck out for 3 full days & at the end of them, reach out to him & see if you can't meet up still on neutral calm ground & see if there isn't a path forward you both want to take.
It isn't counselling you both need as much as a break from the house & the pressures and the cascades of misunderstandings. Plus go see the broker anyway so you have a better idea of what you can & cannot afford now & in another year. As you both need to get out from mum. You have saved, now use it. You haven't been communicating well as you've always had a gooseberry - in all honesty other relationships can't last 5 years under those circumstances so clearly you both have been trying to hold it together - do not let this small amount of money (OK & large surprise) stop you from moving forward.
When you get over the surprise, he's still the bloke you've been living with for five years, you've been planning to buy a house with - his high crimes & misdemeanours are not drink drugs gambling & other women but nice lunches & computer games. So have a few days out from mum & sort this other relationship back into grownup territory.
Try not making requirements but asking how you can help, as well as checking he still wants a place of your own together.
Best of luck.0
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