Husband kept Debt a secret

RDavies1

Am completely shaken and shocked to the core.
Me and my husband where looking for houses. We find a house that was a really great price and a bargain as it needed a cosmetic facelift. We both agreed to put an offer in. I have just started a new job so contacted a broker yesterday after putting the offer in. As we where getting our paperwork sorted cod our broker my husband told me we won't be able to get a mortgage as he was in debt. He first told me he had £800 credit card debt. I was a bit shocked and annoyed he had lied to me but he told me he has used it to go on a stag do a couple months ago. We could still get a mortgage with the credit card debt and it be paid off in a couple months. Then he finally admitted that he was £1800 in debt and £800 overdrawn and had been constantly in his overdraft for a few months and he hadn't been putting money into our deposit.

We both had agreed to to save £6500 into a lifetime ISA. Now I've only been earning 1/2 of his wage and managed to save my amount and put in a little extra. We live with my mother as she has been unable to work due to cancer and needed help financially. We took over her bills and mortgage but she is now mostly recovered and able to get benefits. So we both only paid £400 a month each and he earns £1300 a month and only has £130 in outgoings like Netflix and phone etc.

So it's really ridiculous that he has got in this debt. I asked him to print off his bank statements and it seems like he spent a lot going on stag do, going out drinking, having £10 lunches at work and buying xbox games (yeah sounds like a irresponsible teenager).

I don't think its possible for us to get the house now and I don't even know if I want a mortgage with him anyway. I tried to ask him how got in this mess and he said he doesn't know and just wanted to feel sorry for himself. My mum tried to speak to him to try and maybe see if she could get some sense out of him hut he wouldn't talk to her. I was going to try help him like suggest going to citzens advice and maybe councilling as clearly he has issues with finances and lying. I told him if he doesn't take it seriously and come down and speak tow me and my mum (I couldn't even really think clearly so needed my mum to see if she could talk some sense into him) or me and him are over. Anyway he has walked out and gone to his parents.

It's not even the debt we could get over that but it's the lying. It was cruel to let me get my hopes up and put in an offer speak to brokers without telling me. He basically had to tell me because the broker would of seen his bank statements. Otherwise i think he would of just kept lying. Seems to me he not actually sorry but sorry he got caught.

He has many good points so it's extremely difficult but we have had this before when before when he was getting payday loans but didn't realize how bad they where. I thought he had learn his lesson. My issue is I don't know If I can ever trust him again. What it this happens again when we have a mortgage and kids. We where going to get a joint account when we got a mortgage and I could keep an eye on him but what type of marriage is that constantly having to watch someone and being scared. I really love him but I does look like divorce may be on the cards as I don't know how to move past this. If he turned around. Now and said he was getting help and realised how serious this was and he has an issue then prehaps we could work it out but at the moment it just seems like he happy to carry on. I think one of the issues is am ambitious for a better life and a nice home (not showy or expensive just a nice home) and he doesn't care. I suppose I find it easy to budget and save as I can always see the bigger picture and the future where he seems to be living in the now.

seashore22

I don't have time to type a long reply, but just wanted to say, don't involve your mum in this.

You are a married couple and how humiliating to make your husband explain himself to your mother. It's really none of her business unless he asks for her input.

MovingForwards

Agree with the above post.

You are hurt, ashamed and embarrassed about what you have discovered but you can turn it around if both of you want to.

For now you need to go through the statements with your husband and work out a statement of affairs, there is a template on the debt free wannabe board, work out what the bills are, what the debts are and what fun money he can have each month.

Start clearing the debts, working on your relationship and once the debts have gone you will know whether your relationship has been saved or it's time to call it a day.

kazwookie

You are saying the debt is £800 and £1800

This is fairly ease to sort out if your husband wants to, at least he has a job and is earning, it just seems he is spending it on different things to what you want / have agreed.

I suggest you go and find him and take yourselves to a netural place and have a long chat about what you both want and find some middle ground.

MEM62

seashore22 wrote: »

I don't have time to type a long reply, but just wanted to say, don't involve your mum in this.

You are a married couple and how humiliating to make your husband explain himself to your mother. It's really none of her business unless he asks for her input.

Plus one on this. He owes you the explanation not your mother.

RDavies1 wrote: »

I told him if he doesn't take it seriously and come down and speak tow me and my mum (I couldn't even really think clearly so needed my mum to see if she could talk some sense into him) or me and him are over.

An ultimatum rarely results in a good outcome. As he has gone to his mum's maybe he's made his choice.

As for future trust that's a judgement call on your part but if he's done this twice then you can expect this to be the norm in respect of future behaviour.

Momanns

Without making assumptions it sounds like your husband might be suffering from depression or at least going through a low spell. The video games and £10 lunches (junk food?) along with not telling you or wanting to talk are potential signs.

I know you will be upset/feeling hurt but perhaps that's the main issue that needs resolving and the debt etc can be dealt with once he is feeling more positive?

heartbreak_star

I...don't think that £2.5k-ish of debt is a massive deal? Not paying into deposit possibly more so. How old are you both? Maybe he hasn't said anything because he thinks you'll fly off the handle?

Just another view on it.

HBS x

RDavies1

It's great to get an unbiased opinion. I wasn't really meaning to get my mum involved she was just going to really try help us out as I couldn't think clearly at the time. She was suggesting what we could do.

Your right about meeting in a neutral space. Have to discuss what's happened either way. He's going have to want to change himself for it to work. He could be depressed. I think no matter what happens he needs to get some kind of help. I would stick with him and sort out the debt but who knows if it will happen again and I suppose there will always be that doubt in my mind.

Annie35

I've had the very same happen (& then some)

I'd like to think my response would have been different had I been financially independent.

You've not asked for anything outlandish with your savings plan & he can get back on track, just don't settle.

Doodles

I don't think he has to answer to your mother, and I think you were wrong to suggest that. "I told him if he doesn't take it seriously and come down and speak to me and my mum …" that sounds very much like you and mum operate as one, and he comes last!

I do understand that you are angry about the lying over the debt but I do feel you are over reacting a little.

What I see is that he has to live with your mother (not easy for any marriage!), she has been very ill (I'm sorry to hear this) so assuming he is worried about her, and he has had to help pick up her bills and expenses.

His way of coping has been to go drinking, treat himself to nice lunches and switching off with video games. Is that really so bad?

I think he sounds thoroughly fed up.

He has messed up and your answer is to immediately jump to the thought of divorce.

My advice would be to step back and meet with your husband outside of the home and have a proper discussion. The debt issue is just masking a bigger issue in my opinion, and I hope you are both able to work it through.

gettingtheresometime

Ok I've been in the position of your hubby (though the amounts were more) and tbh I think you need to cut your hubby a little slack.

Yes he hid the debt from you and yes he lied to you but the positive he's stepped up when your mum needed help. Many men would have baulked at living with their MIL.

You've handled this badly. Getting your mum involved was totally the wrong thing to do so I think you need to apologise for that.

He does need to build your trust up again but you need to treat him like an adult.