Best friend is jealous of my situation

Mojisola

glicky wrote: »

Oh believe you me, I know it's that, she's told me. That's why I buy her things, treat her, do her books, do whatever I can to help her, type out her leaflets, clean her flat when she's very busy and doesn't have time, offer to go and post the leaftlets. Yes I do know it's that, but the thing is .... WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT IT? Apart from give her money, I can't do anything about it. That's why I feel so guilty about my situation because I know her situation (if you know what I mean). There's things I've paid for that she doesn't even realise.

What can I do though to help her and make her feel better?

I'm staggered by all this. You can't do anything more for her - you're already doing far too much. You've got carpel tunnel syndrome and you're doing typing for her and doing her books! You're too ill to work but you're CLEANING HER FLAT! Ditto for all the other things!

Turn the situation around. If she were ill, and you were well, what would the situation be? I'll bet that you would be cleaning her flat, buying her treats, etc, etc. She is obviously very needy and manipulative and very much a "taker" in the relationship.

Breaking up a long term friendship is difficult but just think how much better you will feel when you are not doing all these things for her and you're not emotionally exhausted by her making you feel guilty.

Chollita

Yes, I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but to her you probably have 'mug' written all over you. This is not an equal friendship, and she is probably relying on you being unwilling to stand your ground and refuse to tolerate this situation.

Sarahjovi

You need to tell her...

1. This is how things are and they're not going to change!

2. She either accepts the situation or you part company!

3. If she accepts the situation, you are not going to put up with any more of her nastyness!

I suggest you spend a little less time with her and stop doing some of her work (i.e books and typing). The more she rants at you the more guilty you feel, the more you do for her... and she knows it!

Sarah

consultant31

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Dear Mildred,

After a friendship of over thirty years, I never thought I would be writing to you a letter such as this, but in recent weeks/months, many of your comments have upset me very much.

I do not enjoy hearing such attacking statements as "you do sweet FA" or "insert hurtful comment here" when, better than anyone else, you know how my illness has totally destroyed the active life I had before. The fact that I have a decent pension (or sickness allowance) is, as you are fully aware, a result of my hard work and training, and not by malingering at the expense of the British taxpayer.

We have been friends for a very long time, and there is much in you that I value. However, I am now sufficiently upset that I feel obliged to tell you that unless you can find a way to deal with your anger, without blaming me for any misfortunes in your own life, I shall have no option other than to end the friendship.

The last thing in the world that I want is to hurt you but neither can I continue to ignore the many bitter and spiteful comments you have directed at me.

I write rather than speak face-to-face or on the telephone so that you have time to read and digest all that I have said. Should our friendship break down over this, I would be very sad indeed but I do not believe that I deserve to have you treating me in this unkind fashion.

I look forward to hearing from you when you have had time to consider the situation and hope that a bit of plain speaking now will prevent a furious row in the future, which would destroy a friendship that has sustained both of us for so many years.

With affection, as always

Glicky

Excellent

nopot2pin

paddy's mum ............. Fab letter. Absolutely Fab :T

rheme

Hi
The Permanent Health Insurance you receive isn't a 'perk' of your job it is part of your salary package which you worked for e.g. a small portion of your salary was invested into the insurance policy in the event that you should need it - which you do. Therefore it is not a handout but has been a worthwhile investment of part of your pay.

Real friends love and support each other no matter what, they are like family and it is unconditional. Bullies or insecure people (which bullies often are) behave in the way you have described. You wouldn't put up with it at work and you are working for her, for free, and then spending your own income on her. In other words you are paying your friend to work for her. Doesn't make sense and this on a money saving board???

Your friend clearly, as stated in earlier posts, has some issues of her own to deal with which I am sure you would help her in resolving properly if you could, however, don't think what is going on is helping matters and probably not making her face up to them. Maybe a bit of tough love is required.

As previously said try writing to her so that she has time to digest what you are saying before you talk to each other. However, if her behavour continues to upset you then maybe you have some difficult decisions to make.

Hope you get it sorted.

jockettuk

mabey show her this thread.. mabey make her realise how you feel and how nasty she coming across

PasturesNew

glicky wrote: »

Excellent pick-up! :T Everything you have said, she has said.

Oh believe you me, I know it's that, she's told me. That's why I buy her things, treat her, do her books, do whatever I can to help her, type out her leaflets, clean her flat when she's very busy and doesn't have time, offer to go and post the leaftlets. Yes I do know it's that, but the thing is .... WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT IT? Apart from give her money, I can't do anything about it. That's why I feel so guilty about my situation because I know her situation (if you know what I mean). There's things I've paid for that she doesn't even realise.

What can I do though to help her and make her feel better?

I think the only way is to set aside some time with her to sort it all out. And I don't mean an afternoon, but, say, an afternoon a week where you work together to improve her lot. A set, regular morning/afternoon would be good. Get some structure into it. She probably lacks any formal structure and without structure it's easy to flail about.

So not doing things for her, but working with her. Show her different ways of seeing things, get her to write down what she wants and help her research and find the ways forward.

Maybe she needs budgetting help. Maybe she can't face sorting out her finances/changing bank accounts/changing suppliers etc, because when you are in that dark place it can make you feel alone and isolated. Doing it together will make it happen.

And perhaps getting her to talk to you about how she markets herself. Sort out who her customers are that are too much work - and working together to replace them with better customers. Perhaps you can help read her adverts or help her pen mailshots.

When you are alone, it can prevent you doing things and cracking on.

Maybe you could do this - and always finish the sessions with a big mug of, say, drinking chocolate and a big cookie. Turn it into a fun occasion, not a naughty child chore.

I hope you sort it out. If you do you'll have the best friend ever and she will go from strength to strength. But when you've nobody helping you with your blocks, neither actively nor emotionally, you get to the point where you can probably see the way forward, you don't want to make the journey alone.

Also, doing it for you (meeting the targets that she will have XYZ ready for next week's session) will give her great joy and make her feel it's all worthwhile and she won't want to let you down.

Good luck.

cathryn107

Hi Glicky

I really feel for you in this situation, as I’ve recently detached myself from a close 12 year friendship with a (totally platonic) male friend.

People like your ‘friend’ and my ex-friend wear you down slowly - they’re nice 90% of the time, but a snide remark here, and a vicious comment there means that you’re undermined and made to feel bad about yourself very subtly and slowly. You keep on going with the friendship as they’re nice ‘most of the time’ and also you’ve invested a lot in the friendship over the years - but all the time the constant sniping and negativity is eating away at your soul. Which is their intention - to make you feel as bad as they do. The 90% of niceness allows them to get away with the 10% of viciousness.

The problem with people who are jealous is that they don’t want their jealously to be cured - you probably know in your heart of hearts that even if you changed your life completely to your ‘friend’s’ current satisfaction, she’d find something else to attack. Nothing you can do could satisfy her.

Appeasing all this poor behaviour puts the ‘friend’ in a real position of power and control as she treats you badly and you do all the running (and the bookkeeping and the tidying!) to prove yourself to her. In my case it didn’t matter that I’d stayed up all night with this person on numerous occasions when they were unhappy and needed to talk, or helped them with their work, or even cooked when they were ill - he constantly felt slighted and I ended up almost having to appease him to ‘prove’ I was a friend.

My ex-friend always blamed others for his problems. For example, he was taken ill on public transport and the person with him called an ambulance. As a consequence of being in hospital he missed a job interview. Which was entirely the other person’s fault for calling the ambulance and landing him in hospital! :rolleyes: He got away with a lot as he blamed it all on an unhappy childhood and being unable to control his emotions - but funnily enough he was never rude to his boss who paid his wages! There comes a time when you have to say that “I’m an adult and I’m responsible for my behaviour towards myself and to others”. You choose to be obnoxious to other people.

Oh, and I bet that when it comes to vicious comments in the other direction your friend is a really delicate flower! People who dish it out invariably can’t take it - they’ll get huffy over the most innocuous comment while spitting bile at you.

In the end I just sat down and thought “would I treat a friend like this?” The answer was a most definite ‘no’, therefore I didn’t see why I should accept that sort of behaviour from a ‘so-called friend’. Ask yourself honestly if you’d act like this towards someone. Towards someone who is ill? Towards someone who goes out of their way to help you? I doubt you would - in fact I doubt you’d act this way towards your worst enemy. Please don’t allow someone to act this way towards you - you have done nothing to deserve it.

The next time the ‘friend’ went for the jugular (having just flounced back into my life having cut me off for weeks over some non-existent slight), I just said “I’m fed up of all this passive aggressive sh*t and I don’t ever want to deal with you again”. They were stunned, and I’ve since heard that he’s indulged in lots of “woe is me, everyone hates me” self-pity. Which reminds me of Mr Burns from the Simpsons “Why does everyone I whip leave me????”!!!!

Losing an old friend is a really emotional experience and it did shake me up - I won’t underestimate that. But it’s been so much better for my mental health and self-esteem.

I’m sorry that this is a really long ramble, but I hope you realise that you’re not the only one with this problem - and the problem is your friend, not you.

paddy's_mum

cathryn107 - if that's a ramble, I'm a six-legged, three eared, pipe smoking Dutchman!

I have already pipped the thanks button but couldn't let your truly balanced, reasoned and well expressed "ramble" go without further comment. You have hit the nail fairly and squarely right on the head.

There are times when I wish mse'rs had the capacity to push a 'super thanks' button - I for one would be pushing it for that courteous, considered and astute response. Well done, and I hope that Glicky can see the sense behind what so many responders are saying and act accordingly to get her out of what must be a very unhappy situation.