Best friend is jealous of my situation

smeef

glicky wrote: »

Excellent pick-up! :T Everything you have said, she has said.

Oh believe you me, I know it's that, she's told me. That's why I buy her things, treat her, do her books, do whatever I can to help her, type out her leaflets, clean her flat when she's very busy and doesn't have time, offer to go and post the leaftlets. Yes I do know it's that, but the thing is .... WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT IT? Apart from give her money, I can't do anything about it. That's why I feel so guilty about my situation because I know her situation (if you know what I mean). There's things I've paid for that she doesn't even realise.

What can I do though to help her and make her feel better?

There's plenty you can do. Giving her money is simply sticking a plaster over the consequences of her situation.

She has told you she's struggling at the moment with work and to make money, and you know she's jealous of you being "given" money. Think about how it feels for her when you then give her that money.

I'm guessing she already feels pretty crappy about herself that she's not doing that well, and then you have enough to give her charity handouts, which probably makes her feel even worse.

I don't been to be disrespectful, but you've stated that you can't work and particularly that you shouldn't be using your hands. Yet you are working - for her, by doing her typing and delivering leaflets etc. It's a big inconsistency between what you're saying and what you're doing and won't be helping her to understand how bad your situation is.

It's not really acceptable for her to take her feelings out on you, but by helping her out you're fuelling her feelings of inadequacy so it's natural that you're going to bear the brunt of it.

You can help her by telling her that what she's doing is not fair and explaining how she makes you feel. Then be a good friend and support her emotionally, not practically, and help her find better ways to vent her feelings and frustration that doesn'tinvolve hurting you.

geekgirl

Its all very well her being nice when she wants to be, but it is all on her terms. If she wants a bit of agro you have to take it or she (in your words) goes mad.
If I was you I would lay it on the line when she isn't angry. Tell her that if she can't be civil (as a genuine friend would) then you are going to have to stop contact. But this method would only work if you really meant it. You may feel you need her friendship and don't want to let it go. And you seem to be putting in a disproportionate amount of effort into the friendship.

candygirl

Your "friend" sounds like a bitter, angry person.You seem to be putting far too much effort into the relationship, and getting very little back, with little or no gratitude from her.
The excuse that she is worried about work is lame, as I too work when needed and am always worried about cash flow, but I don't take it out on my friends.
You need to have a serious talk with her, explain how your disabilities also get you down, and her making light of them isn't helping.If she is a true friend she will understand, if not well it's her loss not yours.:p

LuciferTDark

So you've known her for 30yrs? why does that mean you have to put up with her doing this to you? It doesn't!

First you should stop doing her work for her. Be busy when she calls & be going somewhere if she decides she wants to come over. A few weeks of the silent treatment when she's in normal mode & she might start to get the message.

And whatever you do DON'T give her any money at all.

Horace

Glicky - If I were you I'd drop this friend because basically she is a leech and from the sound of it is constantly on the take but gives nothing in return except for her bitter twistedness. You said that you were going on holiday with her at Christmas - see if you can change the date so you are not going with her or failing that don't socialise with her at all whilst you are away.

I had a 'best friend' who was jealous of my situation because I settled down and got married (I was young and stupid) and she couldn't keep a chap more than 5 minutes. She came from a wealthy family but she either copied my clothes or was just plain nasty - she is no longer my friend because I stopped calling her (she never bothered to call me so that's that). I do have some great friends - one of which I have known since I was 13 but she doesn't leech and is very supportive of my change in circumstances.

If someone has a negative effect on your life then she isn't a friend - you cannot help being disabled but you are probably making your condition worse by doing unpaid work for her. Basically, I think it is time she grew up and stood on her own two feet and stopped living beyond her means.

Ditch her - you need some new friends, perhaps you could join a club or something to help you meet more people (sorry if this sounds like a cliche).

Scarlett1

glicky wrote: »

Excellent pick-up! :T Everything you have said, she has said.

Oh believe you me, I know it's that, she's told me. That's why I buy her things, treat her, do her books, do whatever I can to help her, type out her leaflets, clean her flat when she's very busy and doesn't have time, offer to go and post the leaftlets. Yes I do know it's that, but the thing is .... WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT IT? Apart from give her money, I can't do anything about it. That's why I feel so guilty about my situation because I know her situation (if you know what I mean). There's things I've paid for that she doesn't even realise.

What can I do though to help her and make her feel better?

stop paying for things and helping her out, she is your friend not your child, she is getting everything out of this friendship and you are getting nothing just cause you have known her for years doesnt mean you cant let go of the friendship, I have had to do it a couple of times after constant phone calls of can I babysit their children or can I just drive them somewhere, I wont be used and I dont think you should be either

ailuro2

Join a support group for people who are in your situation, or similar- no I don't mean a "we've got selfish friends" group- one that helps you deal with your illnesses, disabilities- you will meet new people, have somewhere that you can have a good old gripe about not being as fit as you used to be etc, without it being taken as asking for sympathy. Everyone deserves time to have a good old moan form time to time- it sounds like your 'friend' isn't giving you that opportunity.

Sorry I can't think of any to point you in the right direction of, your local council would probably have a directory though.

paddy's_mum

Dear Mildred,

After a friendship of over thirty years, I never thought I would be writing to you a letter such as this, but in recent weeks/months, many of your comments have upset me very much.

I do not enjoy hearing such attacking statements as "you do sweet FA" or "insert hurtful comment here" when, better than anyone else, you know how my illness has totally destroyed the active life I had before. The fact that I have a decent pension (or sickness allowance) is, as you are fully aware, a result of my hard work and training, and not by malingering at the expense of the British taxpayer.

We have been friends for a very long time, and there is much in you that I value. However, I am now sufficiently upset that I feel obliged to tell you that unless you can find a way to deal with your anger, without blaming me for any misfortunes in your own life, I shall have no option other than to end the friendship.

The last thing in the world that I want is to hurt you but neither can I continue to ignore the many bitter and spiteful comments you have directed at me.

I write rather than speak face-to-face or on the telephone so that you have time to read and digest all that I have said. Should our friendship break down over this, I would be very sad indeed but I do not believe that I deserve to have you treating me in this unkind fashion.

I look forward to hearing from you when you have had time to consider the situation and hope that a bit of plain speaking now will prevent a furious row in the future, which would destroy a friendship that has sustained both of us for so many years.

With affection, as always

Glicky

lynzpower

Oh believe you me, I know it's that, she's told me. That's why I buy her things, treat her, do her books, do whatever I can to help her, type out her leaflets, clean her flat when she's very busy and doesn't have time, offer to go and post the leaftlets. Yes I do know it's that, but the thing is .... WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT IT? Apart from give her money, I can't do anything about it. That's why I feel so guilty about my situation because I know her situation (if you know what I mean). There's things I've paid for that she doesn't even realise.

What bothers me here is she is runnig her own business, yet treating you like an employee. Why are you typing her leaflets, why are you doing her books. You should be being paid for this, or lets face it if you ARE able to do these tasks, shouldnt you be working- maybe part time?

To a certain extent, shes right. You clearly are ABLE to do things- eg cleaning her flat! Could you clean flats for someone else? Or do the books for someone else? Or get a part time typists job? maybe 2 days a week? Or something?

I can see why she thinks in some ways your dossing. But by the same token this "dossing" is whats keep[ing her going. You might also want to point this out to her.

Or i would personally resort to complete saracasm and say sorry I cant clean your flat today I have far too much dossing to do and watch her face fall.

Sola

Paddy's mum - that's spot-on.