Best friend is jealous of my situation

glicky

Hi, I don't post very often, but I feel I need to just let off some steam and try to understand the situation or get your help in knowing how to deal with it, so hear goes:

I am 50, female, single, straight, live on my own and have not worked due to ill health. I have RSI/Carpal Tunnel Syndrome (had op but it didn't help), have COPD, Asthma (was in hospital for a month with pneumonia 2 years ago) and to top it all have just been told I have Type 2 Diabetes! I'm not working due to the RSI and COPD. I am on the firms PHI (Permanent Health Insurance) scheme (a perk), which means if you cannot work due to ill health you get 65% of your salary until you can either come back to work or if you can't come back to work you get paid 65% of your salary up until you are of retirement age! Yes, all very nice I hear some of you say, which is exactly what my best friend every 4 or 5 weeks keeps saying and it is just getting me down.

She goes into these fits of anger about how I am sitting at home doing sweet FA whilst she is going out to work and has to look after herself (she is also single and lives alone). She just goes into a frenzy saying how it's OK for me who gets given everything for doing nothing and where she has to work very hard.

Believe you me, for years I worked very, very hard and she knows it!! I was a legal secretary and sometimes never came home for a week because I was doing so much overtime. I worked so hard that at one time just before her mother died (8 years ago - mine died 15 years ago) I could afford to take her on a 2 week holiday in a five star hotel! That's how hard I worked and how many long hours I worked. Anyway, that's besides the point.

About every 6 weeks her anger pops up regarding this situation. Yes it is all very nice being at home, but what I try to tell her is that I'm not at home because I choose to be. I'm at home because I'm sick! No I'm not disabled, but I certainly cannot do what I used to do i.e. play tennis, go ballroom dancing, climb stairs, go for long walks without getting completely puffed out, plus sometimes when I wake up in the morning I get these choking fits for about an hour which are very unpleasant. I am on 3 inhalers, have to take pain killers for my RSI and have to !!!!! my finger every morning for bloods for the diabetes.

What brought it up today was that I bought a CD stereo for my car from Halfords about 9 months ago and it stopped working, so I went back to them and they fixed it there and then for nothing. I also had a cigarette lighter that wasn't working (Halfords didn't fit it) so I asked the guy who fixed the stereo if he wouldn't mind looking at my lighter because I want to put my phone charger in there but it just won't work. I said I would give him a drink. Well he fixed it and wouldn't take anything, which I appreciated. I told her what happened today and she just went berserk, ranting and raving about how I get everything for nothing etc, etc. She also said that nothing lasts forever and one day it will all stop and what will I do then?

Well, somehow this time it made me feel sick hearing her say all this yet again! As I said, it happens about every 3-4 weeks and I'm just getting sick of it! It's not like I go out all day and every day and enjoy myself. I hardly go out - what really is there to do and you need money? I'm not allowed to do any work because I'm still employed by my company and that is the rules of the insurance policy. I've put on 3 stone since I've been at home, so whilst it is very nice, it's not all wine and roses.

I hope you can get the picture by how I've explained it? I just don't know what to do and how to handle this. It's just an awful feeling when someone says these things about you. I sometimes do market researches to help me out (and when I know she's hard up, I sometimes give them to her because she needs the money also). I have a mortgage and 65% of my salary means that I get about £600 less per month. She does not have a mortgage, her mother left her a property when she died! I have no family and also have to pay all my bills etc. I treat her to meals out, when I go food shopping and I see something I think she may like, I buy it for her etc, etc. She moans about not having any money, but thinks nothing of spending £300 for a weekend psychology workshop (go figure?) - shame that it's not helping her overcome this situation (sorry that's my sarcasm).

I really don't know what to do or how to handle it. I feel really upset and hurt. I've told her this but she says well that's too bad isn't it, welcome to the real world!

Do any of you have any suggestions of what I can do please?

Thanks.

dogcat_2

I think you should get a new friend?

santashelper_2

i dont have any answers but i understand a bit of where you come from i have had a nervous breakdown and get the same response from people i know "its alright for you on benefit dont have to work" but what they dont appreciate is i have panic attacks, total fear when i go out due to bad experinces with people i now have a fear of people, and suffer with chronic anxiety where i literaly freeze when out and have to take a few moments to compose myself all this was caused due to abandonment by my parents and bad experiences with other people who have abused me

And people think im lucky i dont work what they dont appreciate is i suffer 24/7 i.e. wake at night with panic attacks, nightmares etc when they work 9-5 their own time is their own time mine is like a living nightmare there is no let up and the cure is to face my fears and put myself in the positions that i feel the most vulnerable.

I have very little money due to the fact i cant work so that caused anxiety especially at christmas when the children want the same as their friends.

I just wish people could sometimes appreciate they are the lucky ones as they are not going through this 24/7 and chronic anxiety is caused by childhood trauma which they have probably not had to endure like the saying goes "igonorance is bliss".

I am gradually getting better i couldnt even go out the door when i was first taken ill and was in bed for almost a year with total exhaustion due to working full time with two children and doing everything myself if anything i have learnt a big lesson and that is it doesent matter what people think as long as i am going in the right direction i will get there.

glicky

dogcat wrote: »

I think you should get a new friend?

It's difficult - I've known her for 30 years

southernscouser

I'm not here to offend but I've got nicer enemy's than her. She sounds like a complete b!atch to be honest. And she is your friend why?

glicky

southernscouser wrote: »

I'm not here to offend but I've got nicer enemy's than her. She sounds like a complete b!atch to be honest. And she is your friend why?

Because when she's not being a moody b!atch (which I must admit is getting more and more, which I think and hope is due to the menopause :rolleyes: ), she's a nice girl and there lies my problem!

Chollita

I doubt she's ever going to come round to your POV, so my advice would be, cut her loose. If you are in poor health, you don't need someone so negative dragging you down.

She's not funding your 'lavish lifestyle', it's a perk of your job, nothing to do with her, so why is she so resentful? Maybe you should remind her that she got a free house simply for being born, so who is she to criticise you?

pboae

I agree with dogcat, she sounds obnoxious. Does she really think you'd rather have the money than your health?

If you can sit down and explain it to her, and she will listen, then go for it. If not walk away.

How would she feel if you kept going on about how 'lucky' she is that her Mum died and left her a house? She is completely out of order.

I do wonder though, you say you've always treated her a lot, and still do. But I presume with the reduced income that you can't treat her as much you used to. Could it be that she had become used to you spending your hard earned cash on her, and now that you can't, she's feeling the pinch and that's what is really bugging her?

elona

I was about to post saying "she is not a friend!"

Thought I might be a bit severe then saw the above posts - I agree with them!

She is bone selfish and resents you like hell because people like you and you are a nice person.

If you think the psychology weekends are not helping her then you are right - she is using them to bolster up her own "illusions " not learning from them.

Chollita

Why is she hard up when she doesn't have to pay mortgage or rent? Maybe the next time she starts on at you, you should smile and suggest that if she is finding it so tough financially, she can get some great advice at moneysavingexpert.com ...

glicky

pboae wrote: »

I do wonder though, you say you've always treated her a lot, and still do. But I presume with the reduced income that you can't treat her as much you used to. Could it be that she had become used to you spending your hard earned cash on her, and now that you can't, she's feeling the pinch and that's what is really bugging her?

No unfortunately it's not that, I wish it was, it would be less hurtful.

Trouble is, we are going on holiday at Xmas, and it's all been paid for (individually of course). I've saved hard for this and because I don't go out much, I don't spend much. This is my first holiday in 2 years.

So it's going to be very hard to get rid of her now. I just feel so guilty about the way I'm living. She makes me feel guilty.