Grandchildren?

seven-day-weekend

That is an important point about your relationships with your own grandparents, humpty. I never knew any grandparents and my husband can only vaguely remember his Grandad Enoch and no other grandparents. Perhaps that is one reason why we are not bothered too much.

humptydumptybits

Robisere wrote: »

I have read the posts here and have to say that we all ought to understand that everyone is an individual. My case is a bit different, reflecting that individuality.
In 1975 I was forced out of my home by my partner in a European country, and had to leave two children behind. I have never seen them since, not for lack of trying on my part but because our kids lost faith in both parents and eventually shut out both of us. I have no idea whether or not I have biological grandchildren and that knowledge, plus the fact that I have no idea where my kids may be or what they might be doing, is always with me.
Fast forward a few years, in the UK again and meeting a lovely lady with two children. We will have been happily married for 30 years this August and the kids see me as a real dad. Their 4 kids are my grandchildren: for 3 of them I am the only granddad they have known. I have been with them and for them all their lives and I love them more than I can possibly say. Possibly because of my history, when we have one of our family "do's", we have a Group Hug that I first inspired some years ago: now we all do that before going off to separate homes.
I understand completely that some people do not want children or grandchildren. That's the individual in all of us. I have a mate since childhood who never wanted kids and is very unsocial with children. That does not affect our friendship.
However, I cannot imagine life without my ds, dd and our smashing grandkids, who are all different. I have enjoyed watching them grow and develop. But over the years, infrequently, a thought about my biologicals will come to me. That is why I do not watch programmes such as "Long Lost Families." It causes me pain, despite the love I have and receive from my family now, those others and their descendants are always present in the back of my mind.

That is both sad and heart warming. I do have some understanding of how hard it is as my nieces were abducted by their father and we didn't see them for many years. They were in a country/culture where they couldn't decide to leave even as adults and were married off early. I won't go into too much detail but they eventually found their way home, no thanks to the British Embassy who were less than helpful. My sister had many years without them but eventually it worked out


I hope you may yet have your new family and your own children together but it is wonderful that you have those two children and I am sure you are as precious as any "real" dad, I think you are a real dad.

couriervanman

Best thing is you give them back..........

Seriously though when my 3 yr old granddaughter gives me a super hug it makes my day

humptydumptybits

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

That is an important point about your relationships with your own grandparents, humpty. I never knew any grandparents and my husband can only vaguely remember his Grandad Enoch and no other grandparents. Perhaps that is one reason why we are not bothered too much.

I think it does make sense, I know my DIL found it odd at first that her children are so at home in my home as it wasn't how she grew up. I think she worried that I would take her position but I always defer to her, if they arrive and ask to stay I always say they have to ask mum first and then we will decide. I take the view that the more people who love them the better and they have a limitless supply which we can all enjoy.



You might enjoy it if it happens, my neighbour used to say she couldn't understand how I could be bothered with GC so much when I had raised my own. She now has a GC and she is a bad case of besotted grandmother, it always makes me smile when she is telling me about what she is doing and I remember how she didn't want a GC and was never ever going to be a hands on grandparent. She does childcare 3 days a week now. Her husband stands behind her and rolls his eyes when she is telling me about how GC is the cleverest/prettiest child in the world. Isn't there a saying about converts being zealots? I think that is her.


At least you aren't worrying about it, my husband was an only child and his mother was obsessed about a grandchild. My youngest isn't keen on having children, I hope I wouldn't pressure him anyway but obviously I have enough and I'm not worried about having more. He is a brilliant uncle and I do wonder if he will change his mind, it could be difficult as he has a lovely girlfriend who very definitely does want children so that could be hard as it isn't really something you can compromise on. Fortunately I can stay out of that one and just hope they work it out.

happyandcontented

Robisere wrote: »

I have read the posts here and have to say that we all ought to understand that everyone is an individual. My case is a bit different, reflecting that individuality.
In 1975 I was forced out of my home by my partner in a European country, and had to leave two children behind. I have never seen them since, not for lack of trying on my part but because our kids lost faith in both parents and eventually shut out both of us. I have no idea whether or not I have biological grandchildren and that knowledge, plus the fact that I have no idea where my kids may be or what they might be doing, is always with me.
Fast forward a few years, in the UK again and meeting a lovely lady with two children. We will have been happily married for 30 years this August and the kids see me as a real dad. Their 4 kids are my grandchildren: for 3 of them I am the only granddad they have known. I have been with them and for them all their lives and I love them more than I can possibly say. Possibly because of my history, when we have one of our family "do's", we have a Group Hug that I first inspired some years ago: now we all do that before going off to separate homes.
I understand completely that some people do not want children or grandchildren. That's the individual in all of us. I have a mate since childhood who never wanted kids and is very unsocial with children. That does not affect our friendship.
However, I cannot imagine life without my ds, dd and our smashing grandkids, who are all different. I have enjoyed watching them grow and develop. But over the years, infrequently, a thought about my biologicals will come to me. That is why I do not watch programmes such as "Long Lost Families." It causes me pain, despite the love I have and receive from my family now, those others and their descendants are always present in the back of my mind.

Times change and people mellow, maybe if you were able to find them and see them now it would be different?

Poor_Single_lady

If you read the original post she was asking people their thoughts on not having grandchildren.

In that context I don’t think my reply was all that negative really.

Robisere

Thank you seven-day-weekend, humptydumptybits, happyandcontented.

happy, I have no intention of trying to contact my "originals" again. I tried for years, tracked them down twice and was shot down by letters from both. They were unequivocal in their determination to have nothing to do with either me or their mother. Indeed, my biological female offspring wrote obscene, unrepeatable letters which sent me down into depression for a time. I don't blame the kids, they had only memories of their mum screaming at me to go or she would call the police, and memories of crying their eyes out watching me walk down the path and out of their lives. They were much too young then to understand.

I have had over 30 years of a wonderful family and they have supported me through the last few years of serious illness including the cancer I am now free of. I consider my stepson* and stepdaughter* to be my kids and I leave in my will that they are my inheritors, whilst barring any inheritance to any others.

*Both of them told me together, some years ago, that there are no 'steps' between us. Their own dad was a very bad person. As a family, we are a solid unit, including partners of ds, dd and a granddaughter. I feel blessed.

TomokoAdhami

Personally, I wouldn't say you are missing anything. It is the will of God. If you are having a healthy, wealthy and happy life then it doesn't matter a lot. By the way, you didn't tell us about your children. Married or single?

humptydumptybits

Robisere wrote: »

Thank you seven-day-weekend, humptydumptybits, happyandcontented.

happy, I have no intention of trying to contact my "originals" again. I tried for years, tracked them down twice and was shot down by letters from both. They were unequivocal in their determination to have nothing to do with either me or their mother. Indeed, my biological female offspring wrote obscene, unrepeatable letters which sent me down into depression for a time. I don't blame the kids, they had only memories of their mum screaming at me to go or she would call the police, and memories of crying their eyes out watching me walk down the path and out of their lives. They were much too young then to understand.

I have had over 30 years of a wonderful family and they have supported me through the last few years of serious illness including the cancer I am now free of. I consider my stepson* and stepdaughter* to be my kids and I leave in my will that they are my inheritors, whilst barring any inheritance to any others.

*Both of them told me together, some years ago, that there are no 'steps' between us. Their own dad was a very bad person. As a family, we are a solid unit, including partners of ds, dd and a granddaughter. I feel blessed.

A lifetime of love means more than blood. I think you are blessed and I'm sure your wife and "step" kids feel blessed as well.

humptydumptybits

goodwithsaving wrote: »

My mother would like grandchildren, and often mentions it but I find it really hurtful. She always mentions that I won't get any inheritance if I don't have children because 'there is no point'. I'm fine if I don't inherit anything, it isn't about that, but it's more the insensitivity around the issue. Particularly when she knows I find it hard when friends announce pregnancies (I am of course happy for them).
I would love children and I often feel down that it probably won't happen given I'm in my 30s and single. That isn't my fault. The things she says feel like unpleasant things to say because to be honest, I don't know if I could afford children or even before all of that, I don't know if I can even get pregnant.

A family friend noted of her daughter having a baby, 'she has finally fulfilled her purpose and come to respect me as a mother'.
That made me feel like a useless failure of a woman if I am honest.

The whole grandchildren topic is something I try to avoid because frankly, it is none of their business. People forget that children are a gift, not a right.

I think their attitudes are awful. I always think the only response to someone saying they are pregnant should be, "How wonderful" as my MIL went in the kitchen and smashed dishes when she was told she was going to be a grandmother. The only exception would be if someone is clearly distressed and then you have to be very careful what you say.



As to asking people if they are going to have children, well that really is no one's business. I had a colleague who used to cry as her MIL was vile to her as she couldn't have children. I said she should tell her she should have had more than one if she wanted a good chance of GC, I couldn't believe how cruel someone could be when they knew how much it upset the other person.


I hope things work out for you, I was a few months off 40 when my youngest was born and I was the youngest in my ante natal group so there is still time.