Grandchildren?

Poor_Single_lady

I agree it is ridiculous for a 3 year old to dictate to the household but I have a strong feeling it’s happening in your house too, but you haven’t realised. I might be wrong but my parents are so in love with their grandchildren all logic and sensibility has long left the building. And I see this repeated everywhere. It’s what grandparents do.

They are not amazing, they are just kids like the millions of other kids in the world.
Agreed I’m not meant to be a parent but I don’t think kids learning things is very interesting. I think there are an awful lot more fulfilling ways to fill retirement.

My siblings kids only have to say “Grandad do this” and it’s done- no matter how ridiculous. My siblings don’t parent because apparently nobody does anymore.

You can have a very rich life without grandchildren (and I don’t mean money).

But I do think it can feel a bit competative, like people with lots of grandchildren can sometimes feel like they are “winning”. I’m not sure why, but every time I go shopping with my mum she will bump into someone desperate to compete with her and tell her how many they have. As though the person with most wins and she has somehow lost - only getting a return of 2 from 5 adults over 30.

humptydumptybits

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I am glad you enjoy your grandchildren so much.

You do sound a tad judgemental towards those of us in different circumstances or who made a different choice. Financial aspects played no part in our decision to have one child - however it is sensible to take such things into consideration if you are already having trouble making ends meet - and afaik it plays little part in our son's and his partner's decision to have no children (although they have not discussed it with me in depth, and why should they, it is none of my business). There are endless reasons why someone might make this decision.

I am sure we would love any grandchildren if they did happen to come along.

I'm not sure what was judgemental, you asked about being a grandparent and I assumed you wanted everyone's opinion/experience. The only thing I can think of is me being surprised about young children not being interesting, well sorry but I do find it surprising as I think they are so interesting as you watch their development. Or perhaps it is expecting adults to have a bit more about them than to let 3 year olds order them around? No wonder some people don't like children if that is how they are allowed to behave. Again not sure what the issue is unless you just wanted people to say they don't want grandchildren/it is something they regret.


Everyone enjoys their own thing, I don't like things some others like e.g. alcohol, smoking, crowded places. I love family life, being a mother, being a grandmother but I don't expect everyone to feel the same and am quite happy that they enjoy whatever they enjoy.


Finances didn't play any part in my decision to have children, it is just a fact that I would be better off financially if I hadn't had them. Time off work, childcare costs before you even think about clothes and food and so on makes that fairly predictable.

humptydumptybits

Poor_Single_lady wrote: »

I agree it is ridiculous for a 3 year old to dictate to the household but I have a strong feeling it’s happening in your house too, but you haven’t realised. I might be wrong but my parents are so in love with their grandchildren all logic and sensibility has long left the building. And I see this repeated everywhere. It’s what grandparents do.

They are not amazing, they are just kids like the millions of other kids in the world.
Agreed I’m not meant to be a parent but I don’t think kids learning things is very interesting. I think there are an awful lot more fulfilling ways to fill retirement.

My siblings kids only have to say “Grandad do this” and it’s done- no matter how ridiculous. My siblings don’t parent because apparently nobody does anymore.

You can have a very rich life without grandchildren (and I don’t mean money).

But I do think it can feel a bit competative, like people with lots of grandchildren can sometimes feel like they are “winning”. I’m not sure why, but every time I go shopping with my mum she will bump into someone desperate to compete with her and tell her how many they have. As though the person with most wins and she has somehow lost - only getting a return of 2 from 5 adults over 30.

I can assure you no 3 year old tells me what to do. I wouldn't enjoy time with my grandchildren if that was how they behaved. Plenty of people still parent, some people have different expectations and I know with my sons and their partners/wives they all have their own red lines but they all have them.


I've never met anyone who thinks they are "winning" because of how many grandchildren they have, I have seen people excited about a new baby but if you like children that is understandable.


You do sound as if you don't like children so not having them is right for you but it seems a shame that you have to be so negative about it, when you are old those boring children will be looking after you.

seven-day-weekend

humptydumptybits wrote: »

I'm not sure what was judgemental, you asked about being a grandparent and I assumed you wanted everyone's opinion/experience. The only thing I can think of is me being surprised about young children not being interesting, well sorry but I do find it surprising as I think they are so interesting as you watch their development. Or perhaps it is expecting adults to have a bit more about them than to let 3 year olds order them around? No wonder some people don't like children if that is how they are allowed to behave. Again not sure what the issue is unless you just wanted people to say they don't want grandchildren/it is something they regret.


Everyone enjoys their own thing, I don't like things some others like e.g. alcohol, smoking, crowded places. I love family life, being a mother, being a grandmother but I don't expect everyone to feel the same and am quite happy that they enjoy whatever they enjoy.


Finances didn't play any part in my decision to have children, it is just a fact that I would be better off financially if I hadn't had them. Time off work, childcare costs before you even think about clothes and food and so on makes that fairly predictable.

The reason I thought you were judgmental is because you said something like 'if I only had one child and no grandchildren I would have a lot more money, but it is not all about money'. As I am in that position (one child and no grandchildren), I thought you were insinuating that the reason we had only one child was because we decided we would rather have money instead. I am sorry I misunderstood.

I am genuinely glad you enjoy your grandchildren, that is great and I certainly don't think that you have to enjoy the same things as others do, it would be very dull if we all wanted the same out of life.

ibizafan_2

What would seem boring and tedious is totally different when it’s your own flesh and blood. As I said in an earlier post, I have never been that keen on children generally, although I’m not as bad as I used to be, but making Lego houses and watching ‘In the Night Garden’ with my two year old granddaughter in Australia was really enjoyable. It’s all about seeing them develop and grow. I can’t wait to get there in three weeks time to see the difference now she’s heading towards four, and her brother will be nearly two. However, it will still be nice to get home and back to my own life, knowing that all is well over there.

seven-day-weekend

ibizafan wrote: »

What would seem boring and tedious is totally different when it’s your own flesh and blood. As I said in an earlier post, I have never been that keen on children generally, although I’m not as bad as I used to be, but making Lego houses and watching ‘In the Night Garden’ with my two year old granddaughter in Australia was really enjoyable. It’s all about seeing them develop and grow. I can’t wait to get there in three weeks time to see the difference now she’s heading towards four, and her brother will be nearly two. However, it will still be nice to get home and back to my own life, knowing that all is well over there.

This is the sort of thing I find stultifying. I didn't enjoy it with my own son (although I did my duty!) and don't think I would enjoy it any more if I had grandchildren. I wanted to have grown-up conversations and be able to do things without having to look at them through two-year-old eyes. The older he got the better I liked it.

But you never know As you say, it is different if they are your own grandchildren, and I am older and more mature than I was then (although I was 30 when our son was born). I also think it would be different if you only had to do it occasionally instead of all the time. However, I don't think I will have the chance to find out!

ibizafan_2

For some reason, it’s not so boring doing these things with grandchildren, because you aren’t doing it day after day (well, I’m not). I did find it tedious at times with my own sons, partly because there was so much else to be getting on with. Actually, I’ve become a real fan of ‘In the Night Garden’ and even watch it on my own at home back in the UK on occasion!

Robisere

I have read the posts here and have to say that we all ought to understand that everyone is an individual. My case is a bit different, reflecting that individuality.
In 1975 I was forced out of my home by my partner in a European country, and had to leave two children behind. I have never seen them since, not for lack of trying on my part but because our kids lost faith in both parents and eventually shut out both of us. I have no idea whether or not I have biological grandchildren and that knowledge, plus the fact that I have no idea where my kids may be or what they might be doing, is always with me.
Fast forward a few years, in the UK again and meeting a lovely lady with two children. We will have been happily married for 30 years this August and the kids see me as a real dad. Their 4 kids are my grandchildren: for 3 of them I am the only granddad they have known. I have been with them and for them all their lives and I love them more than I can possibly say. Possibly because of my history, when we have one of our family "do's", we have a Group Hug that I first inspired some years ago: now we all do that before going off to separate homes.
I understand completely that some people do not want children or grandchildren. That's the individual in all of us. I have a mate since childhood who never wanted kids and is very unsocial with children. That does not affect our friendship.
However, I cannot imagine life without my ds, dd and our smashing grandkids, who are all different. I have enjoyed watching them grow and develop. But over the years, infrequently, a thought about my biologicals will come to me. That is why I do not watch programmes such as "Long Lost Families." It causes me pain, despite the love I have and receive from my family now, those others and their descendants are always present in the back of my mind.

seven-day-weekend

Robisere wrote: »

I have read the posts here and have to say that we all ought to understand that everyone is an individual. My case is a bit different, reflecting that individuality.
In 1975 I was forced out of my home by my partner in a European country, and had to leave two children behind. I have never seen them since, not for lack of trying on my part but because our kids lost faith in both parents and eventually shut out both of us. I have no idea whether or not I have biological grandchildren and that knowledge, plus the fact that I have no idea where my kids may be or what they might be doing, is always with me.
Fast forward a few years, in the UK again and meeting a lovely lady with two children. We will have been happily married for 30 years this August and the kids see me as a real dad. Their 4 kids are my grandchildren: for 3 of them I am the only granddad they have known. I have been with them and for them all their lives and I love them more than I can possibly say. Possibly because of my history, when we have one of our family "do's", we have a Group Hug that I first inspired some years ago: now we all do that before going off to separate homes.
I understand completely that some people do not want children or grandchildren. That's the individual in all of us. I have a mate since childhood who never wanted kids and is very unsocial with children. That does not affect our friendship.
However, I cannot imagine life without my ds, dd and our smashing grandkids, who are all different. I have enjoyed watching them grow and develop. But over the years, infrequently, a thought about my biologicals will come to me. That is why I do not watch programmes such as "Long Lost Families." It causes me pain, despite the love I have and receive from my family now, those others and their descendants are always present in the back of my mind.

Oh what a bittersweet post, Robisere I'm glad you have found happiness and a family again, but sad that you have no idea where your biological children are or whether you have other grandchildren.

I hope and pray that one day you will see them again. xx

humptydumptybits

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

The reason I thought you were judgmental is because you said something like 'if I only had one child and no grandchildren I would have a lot more money, but it is not all about money'. As I am in that position (one child and no grandchildren), I thought you were insinuating that the reason we had only one child was because we decided we would rather have money instead. I am sorry I misunderstood.

I am genuinely glad you enjoy your grandchildren, that is great and I certainly don't think that you have to enjoy the same things as others do, it would be very dull if we all wanted the same out of life.

Oh no I was pointing out one very big downside, honestly Christmas is a nightmare with 4 kids, their partners and GC and during December/January they have 7 birthdays. I am a careful shopper and the children tend to get a fun thing (often bought in sales e.g. last July I spotted something the 5 year old would love and it was £40 instead of £110 so that got put away as a very special Christmas present) they also get money in their savings accounts. My kids and their partners get small token presents if they are parents, the ones without children get more as I try to balance each "family" but that isn't an exact science. I also save my Nectar points all year and use them in the Double Up and get sensible stuff like socks/underwear/t shirts. I do like doing it and in some ways the challenge of making it affordable adds to it.


I think one of the things for me is that I was very close to my grandparents, one grandmother in particular. My kids were the same with my mother so I suppose a very close grandparent/grandchild relationship was the model for me. My husband had a very close relationship with one grandmother, a widow, and no relationship at all with the other set. He loves children being around but I think that is because they are a great excuse to buy toys, unfortunately his disability limits how much he can play but they are a great distraction.



I think the biggest danger is getting into a tug of war with the other grandmother. Two of my GC have a very competitive grandmother and I work very hard to make the relationship work i.e. encourage them to go home after school when she is visiting because they usually drop in at mine 2 or 3 nights a week. I think she finds it hard that they live so close to me and a 3 hr drive from her but it has got easier now she has another GC living close to her. Politics in families can be a minefield.