I will cut my coat according to my cloth. {Edited by Forum team} 2019

pollyanna_26

I've just been catching up and it's good the work is coming in . It's worrying you've brought a trolley of work home to do on your day off but working on your own this week I can understand you want to stay on course.


Re the tossing and turning your body should be adjusted to the medication by now. I think the worries and problems with ds and the impact on your own finances is a likely cause of the problem.


As the self confessed thread nag I believe the time has come for tough love and shape up or ship out to be said to ds.


I posted a bullet point list a while ago with the steps ds needed to follow in order to get the debts sorted. One thing I mentioned was contacting stepchange or a similar trusted debt management company to try to get a repayment plan organised . I don't know if that ever happened.


I'm fully aware of the dyslexia but the above and other things that need sorting can be done online so with your assistance are doable.


I understand how worried you are but unless someone changes the dynamics nothing will change. I'm aware you cut back on the bank of mum but you need to stop enabling his behaviour while you become ill and try to deal with the impact of things out of control.


Workwise you are organised and keep a grip on things day to day. Sadly your finances have taken a big hit and you can't continue to toss and turn wondering how to cope .


You are responsible for dgd and as I've said before she will need to feel calm and secure during the lead up to senior school and the start in September. However hard you tried to hide your fears it will come through. You reached the point of speaking to your gp which was a wise move as you were I suspect on the point of a breakdown.


I'm sure you've tried to weigh up the situation and look for answers . The answer at the moment is for ds to get involved with his problems and with your help get sorting things. They aren't going to go away and will worsen as time goes on



You have found a better caseworker which should make that side of things less stressful I'm not sure if exgf still gets the benefits for the little ones but that can be addressed in the court next month if appropriate .


Meanwhile ds has found another gf and it really is time he stopped doing his own thing and faced the reality of his situation.


Time to think with the head not the heart and give him the ultimatum . At the moment how would he cope alone let alone with the little ones? He doesn't have the life skills to do so. It's time to be tough Mooloo for your sake and the rest of the family. Offer practical help regarding the debt situation by helping him access the necessary solutions . Keep the bank of mum firmly closed .


It's time for you to look after your personal wellbeing and be allowed to do so.


If you try to engage him re getting a grip on things and he does his usual going outside for a cig tell him if that's how he responds to you offering to help him you are done and he needs to find somewhere else to live. Maybe that will get thorough to him,maybe not.


I hope you sleep tonight . I'm sorry to be blunt. I've said previously I can be blunt but never unkind and I think carefully before posting at night.
However this situation is going around in circles . You can try to get through to him once more and offer the help to sort things without any more financial bale outs. After that if he refuses help and walks away again I would tell him you cannot sort out debt companies without his input and agreement and cannot continue dealing with the fallout from his behaviour as it is impacting too much on your health and ability to work without pain and exhaustion and is impacting on other family members too.
Take care
polly


ETA Good advice from EE. I 've just read back to the start of the page and hope ds has reported the smoking in the house to the caseworker. I'm still bemused by the toddlers shoes situation . Does he only have one pair of shoes? I remember you bought him a pair when he first arrived shoeless . Does he not have a pair at exgfs?


I notice you've solved the clothes issue but if he doesn't have shoes at mums house this needs to be highlighted as far as I'm aware she is in receipt of the child related benefits which are meant to help with costs related to the little ones.If he has a pair at mums ds needs to bring your shoes back until he goes to pick the boys up again and keep doing it.


Hope ds gets a better job with longer hours and better pay.



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Savvy_sewing

Thanks Pollyanna, wise words, I will try to take heed.

For now it's good night to everyone, this is the latest I have been awake in ages. ( as aposed to waking up in the night that is.

pollyanna_26

I'm glad you took my post as well meant Mooloo. Saves me worrying all night if I've upset someone who is already struggling.


I don't consider myself wise . I think we all have many and varied experiences in life and draw on them when replying. As I said a while back I've got a couple more years on you babe and that's all. Not the same situations but there was the problem with my son and his greedy toxic wife and various other things. I've had to deal with. I think with this thread many of us recognise someone who works hard and tries to keep on track but is constantly taken off course by others and that has recently begun to have big effect on life in many ways.




hb2 started the wise comments and it may amuse her to know one night I lay awake for a long time trying to remember the words to a poem I used to read to the children. A wise old owl sat in an oak. It's very short and I must have read it to my own children and the pupils at school hundreds of time but I couldn't sleep until I could say it out loud. DD asked the next day why didn't I ask her or Mr Google . When you get to my age you do check your memory skills was my reply :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:


Sleep well all
pollyx.

Savvy_sewing

Morning.
I had a date in my Calendar today. I should have been debt free by today. All the hard work juggling etc at the beginning of the year was so that I was debt free before I closed the shop.
Instead I have another 5 years as I ended up with a loan for the log cabin and DS's cars etc a few months ago.

Such is life.

So move on Moo.
Rearrange, refocus, and work on it all over again.

Today is the first day of the reset button!

I haven't been able to talk properly with DS, but he has an induction day for the new job on Wednesday evening next week. Fingers Crossed.

Yesterday I booked my Mum's flights to go to my brothers, so she will be off for three weeks. A long cry from the 3 months she used to go.
She treated us both to a new craft mini iron yesterday, and I bought a new sewing machine bag, that matches my bedroom stuff, not that it will be in the bedroom but just because I am fed up of using shopping bags to move it around.
I had a 4 hour drive to Luton and back, to get DS to collect the next car. When I got home I still had my trolley full of sewing to do. Which I did. £134 worth of work on my day off!
I am just thinking of the money totals to keep me motivated.
I can up my game, and my hypnosis tapes I have switched up to a money mindset one. Nothing ventured nothing gained so to speak.

Time to get dressed and ready for work.

hb2

Mooloo, you seem to be taking a very pragmatic view of this - which is surely better than wasting energy thinking about how things 'should' have been. Nevertheless, I'm sorry that your hard work and careful planning have been overturned. This seems to be a good example of the saying 'Life is what happens when we are busy making plans elsewhere'!

OTOH, your son seems to have his head buried deeply in the sand - which tends to lead to life giving a hard kick in the bum. I really hope you can persuade him to take positive steps to deal with his debt, cos he cannot move on until he has addressed this.

Polly, I had forgotten that verse, thanks for the reminder

pollyanna_26

I'm pleased to see Mum has regained her confidence re going back to France. Losing her friend probably knocked her for 6 for a while. A 3 week break seems a good idea rather than the usual 3 months. At her age she probably has a limit to how long she can be in guest mode before wanting to be in her own space .


Regarding the loans the log cabin was a necessary spend to enable you to relocate the business however DSs cars (plural)? You are digging him out of various holes and he continues on his merry way.


Yesterday you responded to my advice to have that talk with him with I will try. The words should be I will do. As hb2 said this morning he has his head firmly buried in the sand . However I don't think he'll be the one getting the kick up the bum. If things continue as they are it will be you who suffers . You have been made bankrupt in the past and with things so tight now it's a possibility if you continue to allow him to drift along .


Yesterday you drove for 4 hours for him so that's more fuel and wear and tear on your car, not a lot but these things add up. I'm glad you and mum had some time together . You then had to face a trolley full of sewing. All these things on your supposed day off. This is why you are tired and tossing and turning at night. Physical and Mental overload.


You talk this morning of rearrange and focus. At the moment you are rearranging deckchairs on the Titanic. The elephant in the room is ds and the mess he is in and it's not going to go away. You are a strong woman in many ways so can you work out why you seem wary of pushing him to sort things out ? Are you afraid of losing his love? All I see at the moment is the impact he is having on you and the family and that's not love .


I know you say he loves the little ones but he's not getting the fact that he needs to shape up if he hopes to be involved in their upbringing. I know there's lots of negatives with exgf but he has minus points too. On paper her housing debt has been paid - by her family- If he had a proper plan in place for repaying his debts it would show he was making an effort. As things are at present he's just doing his own thing regardless.



You used to run a pub and that requires inner strength and troubleshooting. Summon up that person you were and give him the ultimatum. We're nearly halfway through June so not long until you set up your new business . You need to deal with ds now to be able to focus on your new life..
pollyx

Savvy_sewing

I am extremely busy at the moment. Stopping longer than normal in the shop and bringing my trolley back full of work. I worked until 8.15. Then I stopped as I was tired.
I had hoped that I would talk to DS but he was already out when I got home, and so I didn't see him.
But I will be cornering him tonight as he is not working tonight. He seems to be spending his money on petrol, tobacco and snack food and drinks, his Xbox and subscriptions to Spotify etc so I am pretty annoyed that it's all about his entertainment and not much else, I'd like to think I was wrong, but we all know that I am not.
I hope that he will get more work with this new opportunity and start to listen to me again.
Luckily for me as I have been so busy I have been able to pay myself £150 last week and again today.
I have the shop rent all ready too.
So that's good with two more weeks to go till it is due.

ivyleaf

Mooloo wrote: »

I am extremely busy at the moment. Stopping longer than normal in the shop and bringing my trolley back full of work. I worked until 8.15. Then I stopped as I was tired.
I had hoped that I would talk to DS but he was already out when I got home, and so I didn't see him.
But I will be cornering him tonight as he is not working tonight. He seems to be spending his money on petrol, tobacco and snack food and drinks, his Xbox and subscriptions to Spotify etc so I am pretty annoyed that it's all about his entertainment and not much else, I'd like to think I was wrong, but we all know that I am not.
I hope that he will get more work with this new opportunity and start to listen to me again.
Luckily for me as I have been so busy I have been able to pay myself £150 last week and again today.
I have the shop rent all ready too.
So that's good with two more weeks to go till it is due.

Oh Mooloo I am furious on your behalf to read this xx

pollyanna_26

It makes me very angry on your behalf that your son seems uncaring and disrespectful while you work yourself into exhaustion. You shouldn't need to be bringing work home after the working day.


He's living like a teenager using his money on wants not needs. I always think it was a pity he didn't manage to get on the apprenticeship course when leaving school , things could have been very different.


Thinking back to when you and he were living together in the cottage 8 or 9 years ago he would often not come home and sometimes not get in touch to let you know . You having to phone him in the middle of the night recently reminded me of that . He may be living like a teenager but he's a father of two little ones in his mid twenties .


It shouldn't be you talking about upping your game , you do more than needed already and that poor reset button must be worn out . All the times you have to rethink and begin again because of someone else scuppering your plans should not be a constant feature in your life.


Well it's stopped raining (fingers crossed) here in the north so I hope it's the same for you and he's dug out the extra space for the footings.
pollyx

Savvy_sewing

The garden has been done. He did all the jobs on the list I gave him today including moving the washing on for me.
I did the sofa cushions and a box cushion for someone else as well. But didn't get much else done today, and I have not brought any work home.
Tomorrow I am teaching all day. After the lessons I will look at the orders for next week and then decide what I need to do or if I need to do anything on Sunday.