I will cut my coat according to my cloth. {Edited by Forum team} 2019

hb2

Mooloo, I'm glad you were able to get some sleep and hope the fog clears.

Pollyanna speaks a lot of sense - try to get the accounts done as soon as you reasonably can so that you can get them out of your mind, otherwise you will waste time and energy mithering about them. Other than that, just try to eat the elephant one bite at a time.

I hope that various dentist and doctor appointments go well. I am seeing a friend this afternoon and this evening I will go to what I euphemistically term "eaters' group" (Overeaters Anonymous).

Savvy_sewing

Dgd forgot her trainers and the school rang for them just as I was about to leave for work. So after a quick search for them in the depths of her bedroom I had to walk in the other direction and deliver them to the school. I hit overload. In 1999 I did exactly the same thing, except I was taking a pair to her mother at her school. I broke down then, life was too difficult. I did exactly the same thing. Broke down in tears on the poor reception ladies.
My brain was in de ha vou, except that last time I never made it to my work and actually never went back to that client again.
I got to work with. 4 minutes to spare, and dragged myself through the start of the day. My friend said try and switch off the phone, ignore the demands of my family and just concentrate on one thing at a time. I had the dentist at 2.30. So I concentrated on one job at a time. I got to 2.30. But I am finding it hard at the moment. I am going to take half term off when Dgd goes to her Mums. I need some head space.
I need to look after me.
The demands are so similar to the past, what with the boys and my first two grandsons and all the various similarities have put my brain in a muddle.

After school I started on Dgds room with her, and we sorted out the heap of clothes once again. I have thinned it out a bit more with things that may be too small or actually are. One black sack for charity, one school uniform bag that I will give to the school.
Then after tea I sat at the table and did accounts until 10.30. Entering one month at a time. Based on the bank statements. I still need to collate invoices and give them numbers. But at least all the transactions are now recorded.
My friend is helping me again and I will be going to the top deck and altering curtains and setting up for the lesson tomorrow. Any other work finished will be a bonus. On Monday there was hardly any work. Yesterday by close my workshop is full. You just can. Ever tell.
Time to drink my tea and wake Dgd. Hopefully she will remember everything that she needs this time.

thorsoak

Just a suggestion for dgd, Mooloo, which I found worked with my 4 when they were at school. As part of the before bedtime routine, we (me at first) put out everything that was needed for next day at school - which did mean me going through every school bag, one by one, at first. But eventually I got it to stick in all their routines so that we very rarely missed a gym kit/homework/art stuff etc etc etc.

Be kind to yourself - and use that lamp xx

ivyleaf

Oh Mooloo, what a difficult day! Well done on managing to get to the dentist. Having half term off to look after you sounds an excellent idea.

hb2

Mooloo, I'm sorry that things got on top of you yesterday (hardly surprising though) (((hugs)))

When did schools starting phoning parents/guardians to take in things the kids have forgotten? My son is 33 and I'm pretty sure I didn't do that beyond primary school (perhaps that was just me being a wicked mummy?). I am 100% certain that Mum never did it for me!

pollyanna_26

" Not my Circus, Not my Monkeys"


Have you heard that saying before Mooloo? We learned it from a Polish friend . Bottom line is we can't be the ringmaster in someone elses circus . Trying to be there for everyone stops them having to run their circus properly and developing the experience and skills to do so. The only outcome is they don't learn the basic life skills while someone is doing the job for them.


We all have to learn as we go through life and get through the ups and downs and find a way through . You've given all of yours advice over the years but the point comes where they have to deal with the tough stuff and stand on their own feet .


You're now at risk of cracking up . I had a breakdown after finally getting rid of toxic 2nd husband and I know you had similar yourself . Don't let it happen again . From today your priority is yourself , dgd and your mum.


This year is a year of change for you and you have lots to think about to make your new business sustainable . You don't have the time or energy to be fire fighting for anyone else .


I have a magnet on the letter rack by my landline with that quote on . At times during a phone call a glance at it will focus my mind whether the matter being discussed is important or not.


I'm about to have some lunch but will post in a while with some things that have come to mind.


pollyx

pollyanna_26

• First of all I agree with Thorsoak . I used to get the children to gather everything needed for school the following day and put their bags ready in the hall. My son was hopeless at remembering his sports kit but after twice taking his football boots to school I gave him the choice of getting things ready or sitting in the classroom during his beloved football . It became a habit for them all as mum wasn't going to turn up with reading books, sports kit etc.

• Too late but dgds room is her responsibility. You spent a lot of time recently helping her sort it and organise her clothes etc. She's growing up and having had 3 daughters myself I understand the amount of mess they can generate in their bedrooms . It takes time and patience but if you know they have enough storage space let them live in a pit and lose track of the things they should know the location of and let them do without them until they start sorting things out . While someone will restore order for them nothing will change.

• I know you love spending time with the grandchildren but is it possible Biggest can sort out a babysitter for at least some of the time she needs one? Perhaps she can offer something practical rather than needing to pay in return .

• I have mentioned before about limiting the time you are available for phone calls , texts etc. You would be better only responding to a true emergency rather than all the various problems especially during your working hours . If you were working for someone else you couldn't leave the job to respond to someone elses problem .

• Firefighting . Remember if someone shouts fire it can mean 3 fire engines and a salvage truck or something as simple as a jug of water to put out the flames . Life and death is a long way from yet another problem so choose your battles wisely . None of us are immortal so where will everyone run to in the future? They have to work through running their own lives just as you,I and everyone else has to .

• I'm glad you're taking a break for half term . You may get to do something with dgd and your mum . Focus on getting some rest . Although you wont be abroad behave as though you are and don't allow yourself to spend the time you should be resting and recharging your batteries plus getting out and about a bit , dealing with someone elses latest problem .

• Finally and most important it's worth trying to book an appointment - double if possible - with your GP . I'm not sure how things have gone with the shoulder, arms ,back etc problems or if you've ever had been assessed by a Rheumatologist . I'm aware the nature of your work can lead to wear and tear on the joints and muscles and I'm not a qualified Rheumo consultant but I am someone who put all my aches , pains , exhaustion ,sleep problems and eventually foggy brain down to living with a violent alcoholic husband and having to protect my children as much as possible while trying to keep life as normal as possible. Freedom brought different challenges but it was only as they grew up I had a little time to consider my health . !st diagnosis was Osteo arthritis . Some years later once there was more knowledge of the condition Fibromyalgia was added . When dd was diagnosed with Psoriatic Arthritis that became my 3rd . So we have the same 3 conditions . My mum unknowingly had all 3 too but the back then it was "A touch of Rheumatism " and "Fibrositis" Youngest is contributing to genetic research as she is young . It's confirmed a genetic factor but many have any one or more of those conditions with no previous link

• I''m not suggesting yo u have any or all of them . Something like joint calcification can happen even with athletes and keep fit fanatics and is incredibly painful in the shoulder and is often felt in the back too .I'm just suggesting if you haven't had a thorough check up it is worth doing . Our Gp had dds shoulders XRayed initially which then led to US scans and the procedure to deal with the calcium deposits which were causing the pain .

• I'm not sure if anything I'm writing is helpful but as the song says " I've got a couple of years on you babe". Actually more than a couple! I now know there were things I could have done both with dealing with the offspring sometimes and finding out why I was so exhausted all the time . Like you I put everything down to the never ending getting through each day . It's easy to get carried along and lose sight of yourself along the way and present me would change past me to someone who needed to practise pacing and a degree of self care while juggling those balls in the air . pollyx

hb2

Pollyanna, it sounds as if your wisdom has been hard-won - but wisdom it certainly is!

My son used to lose things all the time and it drove me mad. When he was at senior school I kitted him out first time round but then gave him an allowance. Out of that he had to buy his 'treats' - non uniform clothes, non essential toiletries, games etc - and replace whatever he had lost. TBH, he didn't get much better, but it was no longer my problem!

Son's room was also a mess but I remembered that mine had been just the same. I told him that I was prepared to leave him to it but Dad was less happy. The compromise was that we would leave him alone as long as we didn't have cause to enter his room. That meant it must not smell, attract vermin but nor must it be a repository for our cutlery, table-wear, towels etc. And the door must remain closed! Again, this wasn't perfect but it saved a lot of arguments at a time when our relationship was less than perfect anyway.

As you can see, a lot of this was about being pragmatic and choosing our battles.

Son is 33 next month, lives away from home, has a job he enjoys and is a lovely man

pollyanna_26

hb2 putting the choice on your sons shoulders for the lost items by giving him the allowance was a brilliant idea I wish I'd have thought of myself .It means it's no longer your problem but his choice . Even if it didn't always work it must have taught him lessons for his future as a lovely man.


The wisdom was indeed hard won and something I'd have rather none of us had to go through with the ex. I'd grown up in an ordinary caring family and had no inkling of the many forms abuse could take . Physical, mental and controlling any other ways . It was alien to any previous experience .


Back then the children had a desktop but I never thought I had a need to access the internet . In the 80s and 90s many things weren't in the mainstream. Living in a nice home in an equally nice area it was impossible to speak to anyone about the nightmare we were in .
There was actually a sense of shame finding myself in the unknown territory while thinking I must be doing something wrong but had no idea what.


I taught for a number of years at a the primary school all my children attended and a few years ago I went to an NHS clinic with my youngest and met a parent I often walked home with who was working on the reception desk . We discovered we had both been walking in those shoes during those years and longing to tell someone but not feeling we could . Sadly she had only got free from her situation after decades of abuse and control .


On the positive side I decided the worst he could do was kill me . I was lucky to see an ad for Gingerbread and wrote to them . They gave me lots of advice and pointed me to Erin Pizzey and what was to become Women's Aid . Everything was letters back then and I was lucky he didn't realise what I was doing . The local police were tired of arresting him and one of the senior officers made it a mission to sort the situation . So the day came when he was summoned to court issued with an order to leave the house ( My mortgage in my name ) and told to move at least 20 miles away and not come near any of us. I was granted an injunction with power of arrest he broke it twice and was back in the cells and in court again twice . he was told he faced a long prison term if he broke it again and that stopped the cycle as the power of arrest was changed to enduring and the fear of prison was greater than holding power over us .


Positive is I learned quickly Sadly I lost trust . I did develop a radar for the chancers and abusers who years later targeted my vulnerable youngest daughter and dealt with them when she wasn't listening to reason . One who lived locally found himself in the same cells and courtroom and that was the last we saw of him until a bitterly cold day about a month ago and many years after he left our radar .dd did a double take in our nearby town and went back to look again . She looked him in the face and said to me it's J and he's begging . We both support those struggling but felt no sympathy for him Odds are he has a good home . His parents have bought him houses outright over the years until he turns another into a drug den and the police are involved once more and they buy him another . They prefer to splash the cash than try to get to the bottom of his problems



I noticed the typos and a glaring error in my earlier post . The Dr Hook song was I've got a couple more years on you babe .Music kept me focused while the ex ranted and raved . I'd be singing the words in my head while trying to find a way to calm or distract him . I am woman by Helen Reddy was a good one I'd be silently singing that with emphasis on I am woman hear me ROAR . I never did roar and quiet and steady saved us .


One last thing a lovely neighbour two houses away saved us a number of times by phoning the police when I couldn't get near the phone or he'd ripped it out and smashed it . It was many years later I discovered that and we talked about that time . She'd noticed the big sunglasses in the winter and the bruises when I was pregnant but didn't know what to say .She told me she and her husband wouldn't go to bed until all was quiet and they knew we were ok . It's wonderful to have people like that in your life even if you aren't aware at the time they are helping you . I used to assume it was a complaint that brought the police to the door but when she told me it explained a few comments re good friends and guardian angels from police .


Anyway this is Mooloos thread not mine so I wont take it off topic again . I suppose all I can say is You are stronger than you believe Remember the circuses and monkeys Don't overload yourself and keep focused and take care of yourself . After my breakdown an elderly quite eminent Psychiatrist visited me at home . He rambled and stuttered and my eyes were glazing over however one thing he said stayed in my mind . He asked me how long I could run the car with no oil in the engine and what effect would it have if I kept trying to do so After I gave my answers he said at present there is no oil in your engine and you are trying to keep going so slow down , rest ,sort out the total priorities and rebuild slowly also keep in mind if you can't function nothing will work so slowly work towards a balanced life with the engine back to normal .


pollyx

beanielou

So very humbled by your post pollyanna.
I am glad that you have learnt that you are woman & you can roar.
I sang that song recently in a choir & it was very powerful.
My favourite Helen Reddy song was I cant say goodbye to you & although my situation was very different I did have to say goodbye & I realised that although I may have the odd wobble I am a strong woman (& can roar!).

I salute you