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I will cut my coat according to my cloth. {Edited by Forum team} 2019 - Page 124

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I will cut my coat according to my cloth. {Edited by Forum team} 2019

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  • Lea30Lea30 Forumite
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    Honestly the debt relief order I had at 23 saved me.

    I had 3 young children and a newly diagnosed medical condition which made it hard for me to function at times, let alone continue to work.
    For 7 years I have been unable to get any debt, what ever we needed/wanted had to be budgeted for or saved for.

    My credit rating is slowly improving, and I am still debt free.

    I think with all of your DS other stresses this will be one less, a fresh start.

    I don't drive but I know you can't have a car worth more than £1000 you can check the value on Parker's.
  • Savvy_SueSavvy_Sue Forumite
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    Mooloo wrote: »
    DS's Children cannot be left with a babysitter Unless social vet them at the moment. Or I would employ one.
    You need to make sure that SS are giving you enough respite in this situation: can they give you a list of babysitters and some payment towards them?
    Mooloo wrote: »
    Biggest can't afford a babysitter at the moment.
    Hopefully soon though.
    But that is not YOUR problem.

    And I agree with the person who pointed out the danger that you 'working from home' will become to them 'at home therefore available at the drop of a hat'.

    Even if mentally they think 'working' they will think 'but she can re-schedule', and the truth is you just can't.
    Still knitting!
    Completed: TWO adult cardigans, 3 baby jumpers, 3 shawls, 1 sweat band, 3 pairs baby bootees, 2 sets of handwarmers, 1 Wise Man Knitivity figure + 1 sheep, 2 pairs socks, 3 balaclavas, multiple hats and poppies, 3 peony flowers, 4 butterflies ...
    Current projects: pink balaclava (for myself), seaman's hat, about to start another cardigan!
  • KxMxKxMx Forumite
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    I totally understand about the boys.

    I'd respectfully suggest Biggest can't afford one at the moment because it's not a priority as she has access to free childcare.

    My cousin had two small (just under 2) children to find pt childcare funds for suddenly when my Aunt had to give it up for health reasons. She managed because she had no choice.

    If you had to suddenly stop Biggest would have to find a way. And that means she can find a way now.
  • edited 17 July 2019 at 9:16PM
    NeilCrNeilCr Forumite
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    edited 17 July 2019 at 9:16PM
    Really good post by Pollyanna

    It's the exhausted wreck thing that bothered me and led me to post here in the first place. You haven't had the boys for long and to be honest, it seems to be getting worse. Pollyanna is right - you need to say no and stick to it. My partner seems to spend a large amount of her time with kids - helping out, babysitting etc as well as having one living with her permanently. And, as I said, she gets very tired. But she is very strong in ensuring that she does get time for herself (and me!). We've just been away for the weekend as an example

    She also makes sure her son does his fair share of looking after his daughter

    Could you get your son to go to your local CAB. They quite often have a debt worker - if they do they might be able to help him make the right choice about how to deal with his debts.
  • Perhaps rephrasing things could help with the potential issues with working from home?
    Call your cabin a 'studio'. From now on, you are 'working from your studio'. Not at home. Introduce a separation between 'home' and 'studio'. When you are 'in the studio', you are at work.
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  • hb2hb2 Forumite
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    Perhaps rephrasing things could help with the potential issues with working from home?
    Call your cabin a 'studio'. From now on, you are 'working from your studio'. Not at home. Introduce a separation between 'home' and 'studio'. When you are 'in the studio', you are at work.

    Yes, this is what I was going to suggest otherwise I can see the time coming - and soon, at that - when you are babysitting 24/7 and don't get time for any paid work. You going broke isn't going to help anyone!

    If Biggest "can't" afford to pay you for babysitting, can she pay you back in kind? Babysit for the 2 little ones, if allowed? Do some housework/shopping etc? IMHO, your time needs to be seen as valuable.

    I also agree with much of what Polly said, so there is no need to repeat it.
    It's not difficult!
    'Wander' - to walk or move in a leisurely manner.
    'Wonder' - to feel curious.
  • dreamingdreaming Forumite
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    Some very good suggestions there. Mooloo, I don't know if you have ever watched Janet Clare on the Create & Craft channel? She has an apron/coverall kit which she developed from one she wore to show she was working at home. You could perhaps adapt this idea so - "if granny has her red apron on then she is working" (or something similar) so the little ones understand - and definitely make the studio out of bounds.

    One thing about the rephrasing of how you speak struck me a few weeks ago. It might seem an insignificant thing but it was when DS had his accident and you were saying how "we" (i.e. you and DS) had to sort things out. I know DS does need help with forms etc. (I think I'm right that he has dyslexia?) but if you always offer "we" as a solution (and I have noticed it when you talk about your other children) then it reinforces the idea that everything is your problem too. If, when talking to them, you keep using the term "you" (e.g. what are you going to do? what do you think is possible?) then instead it reinforces the idea that the problem is there for them to solve. And I wouldn't have given DS "notice" that you were going to talk to him about money as he can just take off for the night (didn't he do that before?). As I said, it does seem insignificant but language is, after all, the main way we communicate and little things like this can make a difference. It's similar to when women are asked if they work and they reply that they are "just" housewives, or "just" part-time, or "just" a mother. It always sounds as if they are apologising but take that little word "just" out and it sounds much more assertive.

    I know how hard it is to get though to adult children though. I dropped in on eldest and partner this week and to say their house is a tip is putting it mildly. Considering they both have health problems it is really worrying and I told them (well, eldest really, as partner kept thier headphones on) how worried I was, but I could see it was basically going in one ear and out the other. I e-mail every week and offer to come and help them "get the house straight" but they don't see the problem. I use e-mail as due to the ASD written communication seems to have a bit more chance of eldest taking it on board, but the state of their house and eldest's refusal to get to grips with her diet (she was diagnosed with diabetes before Xmas) really concerns me, but there is very little I can do. I did come home and have a little cry but then I have to just get on with things and hope they do see some sense soon. Not much chance I fear but despite their ASD and physical problems they are both intelligent and capable of living independently - just not in the way that I would wish for them.
    Hopefully for you, once the court decisions are made and the shop is closed, things will settle into more of a routine for you and the boys will start to feel more secure and stop the tantrums.
  • pollyanna_26pollyanna_26 Forumite
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    I hope the little ones and yourself slept well last night. I have to agree with dreaming about rephrasing your discussions with ds. It comes across at the moment as if it's your problem to sort and only you have the solution. Of course he'll need prompting to explore possible solutions but he needs to accept it's his mess and it's not going to magically go away.


    One thing I believe is he needs to pay the debts to his creditors . Bankruptcy or a dro order wont teach him anything about needing to pay bills etc . When you spoke recently about how he spends his money it was a list of wants not needs . XBox subs, Spotify and other subscriptions , junk food , alcohol , tobacco and as you've mentioned he's trying to reduce the drug habit at least some weed I imagine .


    I don't know if you managed the talk or not last night but it isn't a good idea to warn him in advance , that hasn't worked in the past so you need to come up with a different approach.
    pollyx
    It is better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness.
  • ArtytartyArtytarty Forumite
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    All,good points but as Mooloo now refers to eldest baby as "my lad",
    It probably won't wash.
    We tend use the language we find easiest to accept ourselves.
    I often say "we" when I should be saying you, I think it's a way of bringing up a subject in a less confrontational manner.

    If the fostering kinship thing is approved as has been suggested it will, that should ease the financial burden considerably?
    Two extra children plus dgd.
    Norn Iron Club member 473
  • Savvy_sewingSavvy_sewing Forumite
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    Artytarty wrote: »
    All,good points but as Mooloo now refers to eldest baby as "my lad",
    It probably won't wash.
    We tend use the language we find easiest to accept ourselves.
    I often say "we" when I should be saying you, I think it's a way of bringing up a subject in a less confrontational manner.

    If the fostering kinship thing is approved as has been suggested it will, that should ease the financial burden considerably?
    Two extra children plus dgd.

    I called him my lad because somebody took umbrage to my calling him the lad.
    I realise he is not mine. All though it is highly likely that I will be the one responsible for them st the end of all this.
    I got some sleep but I woke up with the baby twice and this morning I think I got out of bed on the wrong side. I was grouchy, tired and tearful at times.
    My sister's partner messaged me asking about my Mum, who is over there so why don't they ring my brother?? Then she messaged me saying that she hadn't heard from Mum, and my reply was ring our brother then as I am speaking to one or another each day.
    Why drag me into it?
    Twin2 is having problems and rang the shop to tell me she has 2 months to get out of the house she's living in. So what can I do about it?
    She also had the police out a few days back due to threats from other tenants and the police have flagged her up as a vulnerable adult and social Services have been intouch with her. Hopefully they will help her. But I cannot even if I wanted to.
    I lost my composure this morning and had strong words with DGD and DS for using my home like a hotel or a rubbish dump, for back chatting me and taking me for granted.
    We had the school leavers assembly which I went to and DGD took I'll on stage with the heat. So she was sent home by the headmistress and told to rest but come back tonight for the school disco.
    My friend had to help me by taking and collecting her as DS was working and I have the boys. She was upset at the end as the parents were dancing with all the other children and I wasn't there. I feel awful but didn't feel I had much of a choice and so we've been a bit sad together when she got back. She borrowed one of my maxi dresses and I did her hair and makeup, but apparently she was out of place as lots were in Bridesmaids type dresses etc.
    Getting her in any dress was a miracle but she looked lovely.
    Tomorrow she goes to her Mums but for the first time tonight she said she didn't really want to go. Sobering thought that. I have asked her if she will go, but if she wants to come home sooner then I will go get her. She's due to go for two weeks.
    My brothers best friend and once a close friend of mine died last night, cancer again. He was in my life since I was about 12. Until the last 15 years, but my Brother always talked about him and kept me updated. Just a little sad, and it does make me feel my age.
    I had a small battle on my hands with my lad, and he kept the baby up for a while. It was about 8.45 when it finally settled down and I took the alarm out to my Cabana to work. But I only managed to line a skirt before my friend brought Dgd home upset, so I had to stop.
    I am keeping my fingers crossed that DS gets home before the baby wakes up next and I can get to sleep I am shattered and I have a busy day ahead tomorrow with a lot of fittings and urgent stuff.
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
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