Do i Have to Pay Child Maintenance

LilElvis

HoneyNutLoop wrote: »

Only when you do things ‘privately’. If they’d used a licensed clinic, it would be no more complicated than any other break up. And the op would have had no further involvement after his donation was given.

Exactly this!

Jemima_FuddleCup wrote: »

Like you say, it gets horrendously complicated when these new-style families break up.

These "new-style" families have been around for decades now, so hardly new. You have probably met families created via gamete donation, just haven't been aware of it as it isn't something they necessarily feel they need to explain to all and sundry, and especially to the bigoted and ill-informed. There are at least 3 donor-conceived children that I know of at my daughter's primary school, out of 400 pupils. Two are daughter's of heterosexual couples and one boy is the son of two men - my daughter being one of the three. It's not some rash decision we made - both intended parents and donors had mandatory counselling, the process takes months, and sometimes years, and costs thousands - we spent around £25,000. Our donor is anonymous to us, though identifiable to our daughter (should she wish) when she becomes an adult, and after nine years I can still hardly believe that a woman was so generous and empathetic that she was prepared to go through so much to help total strangers achieve their dream of having a family.

Done "properly" gamete donation is a truly amazing and selfless act and my donor is in my thoughts, and particularly at this time of year as this is when we discovered I was pregnant - the best Christmas present we have ever had.

Pollycat

LilElvis wrote: »

Two are daughter's of heterosexual couples and one boy is the son of two men - my daughter being one of the three. It's not some rash decision we made - both intended parents and donors had mandatory counselling, the process takes months, and sometimes years, and costs thousands - we spent around £25,000. Our donor is anonymous to us, though identifiable to our daughter (should she wish) when she becomes an adult, and after nine years I can still hardly believe that a woman was so generous and empathetic that she was prepared to go through so much to help total strangers achieve their dream of having a family.

Done "properly" gamete donation is a truly amazing and selfless act and my donor is in my thoughts, and particularly at this time of year as this is when we discovered I was pregnant - the best Christmas present we have ever had.

Fab post, LilElvis. :T
I think I was aware of this...
Enjoy your Christmas.

What I think is worrying is the OP started off being concerned about being pursued for child maintenance and - as the result of a suggestion (either serious or tongue-in-cheek) - is now considering applying for custody.
Would that really be in the best interests of the child?

dominicx

true , i was upset and lost in it all , i wasn't thinking very clearly , i don't seek for child's custody kid will be better of with mother .

i am just upset to think it wasnt a relationship and was only a kind gift. now i have to pay 30-50k over all those year probably ..

HoneyNutLoop

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

I took the "asking for joint custody" thing as a serious suggestion - they want to play that game, then you could be serious for all they know...

One thought along the "You play that game - and don't think it will be free of any comeback for you" is I guess many of us have been presuming this is a couple that are "open"/official/absolutely everyone knows the mother is gay?

I'm wondering if that is the case actually - or whether the mother has been keeping that fact a bit quiet from someone who wouldn't be too happy about it - but would just about accept her having a child in less conventional circumstances per se (ie as in not married)? I'm asking because there are parents around (and maybe not just in my parents rather elderly generation - including them) who would have "forty fits" if they discovered their adult child wasn't heterosexual and attempts at reconcilation with them would come a good bit harder than saying "I've had a child - but it wasn't inside a marriage". There certainly are people that would still be pretty unhappy at finding out someone was gay. Most of us, in the 21st century, will convey the message all round of "I'm heterosexual - don't try and chat me up unless you're the opposite sex" and then go "You do you - if you're not" and accept it if someone else isn't so. But that doesn't mean everyone does...and if this woman does have a parent/elderly gran who doesn't know and wouldn't be happy about it = you do have a card up your sleeve that you might tell them if this woman persists in trying to get money out of you.

Have i understood this correctly? - your advice is that the op should threaten to out the gay parent to an elderly homophophic relative if she doesn’t drop the child maintenance claim?

HoneyNutLoop

HampshireH wrote: »

This thread is really interesting. Just out of interest, does the "other parent" not want any involvement in the child? Was in the female who has the child's egg the one used and she the carrier?

If not this surely becomes even more complicated - with a birth mother (legal parent), an egg donor and a sperm donor (being yourself - legal parent possibly). So an egg donor would be free of all responsibility?

We are assuming that there is just one mother as a legal parent. I may have missed whether you confirmed if they were in a civil partnership/marriage.

I can understand how the op could donate sperm privately. I’m struggling to work out how you would be able to harvest an egg privately. Or complete an implantation.

Pollycat

dominicx wrote: »

true , i was upset and lost in it all , i wasn't thinking very clearly , i don't seek for child's custody kid will be better of with mother .

i am just upset to think it wasnt a relationship and was only a kind gift. now i have to pay 30-50k over all those year probably ..

I really feel for you.
A kind act has rebounded on you.
I think other people may find themselves in a similar position.

martinbuckley

Is your name on the child's Birth Certificate as the father, or is it the two lesbians?

Loz01

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

I'm asking because there are parents around (and maybe not just in my parents rather elderly generation - including them) who would have "forty fits" if they discovered their adult child wasn't heterosexual and attempts at reconcilation with them would come a good bit harder than saying "I've had a child - but it wasn't inside a marriage". There certainly are people that would still be pretty unhappy at finding out someone was gay. Most of us, in the 21st century, will convey the message all round of "I'm heterosexual - don't try and chat me up unless you're the opposite sex" and then go "You do you - if you're not" and accept it if someone else isn't so. But that doesn't mean everyone does...and if this woman does have a parent/elderly gran who doesn't know and wouldn't be happy about it = you do have a card up your sleeve that you might tell them if this woman persists in trying to get money out of you.

What????

Morally, I don't think this OP shouldn't have to pay child support for this child because he thought he was giving away his sperm for a good cause so a same sex couple can have a baby. So yes, this is unfair on him, it's not right, its not something he asked for.

But threatening to out someone to their parents as a "card up your sleeve" is appalling! Why on Earth would he want to do that? Yes he should contact the mother of this child or the CSA and explain the situation. But phoning up her family and telling them she had a same sex partner at the time is just pathetic, spiteful and WRONG.

Mojisola

Jemima_FuddleCup wrote: »

OP is being shafted by a lesbian couple he'd decided to help

This is what's so unfair - presumably both women wanted to become parents but one has now decided to walk away from the child and there's no legal responsibility on her part to provide financial support.

LilElvis

Jemima_FuddleCup wrote: »

Well that seemed to hit a raw nerve didn't it. Why get so stupendously defensive over something that was in no way aimed at you, your child, your child's school, or anything else as a matter of fact.

OP is being shafted by a lesbian couple he'd decided to help, and is probably regretting those five minutes of fun now. Let's be a bit more supportive, and less me-me-me :T

It is christmas, after all. Maybe the stress of it is getting to you a bit, in which case I apologise.

No raw nerves - I'm totally used to judgmental, ill-informed comments aimed at those, including me, who have donor-conceived children and therefore families created in a "different" way. It's not natural, you should accept you were meant to be childless, why not adopt, you're selfish ..... blah, blah, blah.

I just roll my eyes at comments like "he is probably regretting those five minutes of fun now" because they are plain ignorant as a) he was donating to a lesbian couple so is unlikely to have had sex and b) masturbating into a cup "on demand" knowing that everyone on the other side of the door knows what you are doing is hardly "fun".

I actually have almost as little sympathy for the OP as I do for the two mothers as none of them appear to have considered the long-term affects of their choices and how they may impact the child, culminating in this unholy mess.