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I am so hurt and confused

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Hi All,

I am so hurt and confused right now.

Two weeks ago my boyfriend of 4 years said we needed to talk, so I said OK anyway long story short he asked for a break and asked if we could talk in a week even though he said we felt distant which makes no sense what so ever.

So the week is up and we meet up again and he says we have become too distant to get it back?

Like what the heck?

We spent 3 weeks in Vegas for his 30th Birthday in sept and have been back less than 8 weeks

5 weeks ago he is buying me presents for the house when i move in with him.

He said he knows I am the best thing to ever happen to me, he loves me and I will always be his lobster.

So why walk?

I asked if if there is someone else, he said that would be his get out of jail free card and would make life easier if that was the case.. what is worse than him cheating?

I am his first girlfriend/relationship took him 12 months to tell me he loved me.

All his friends are married/moving in etc, apart from one who he has been spending a lot of time with who is single.

Any clues as to what on earth is going on in his head?

Thanks
Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.
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Comments

  • motorguy
    motorguy Posts: 22,479 Forumite
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    Any risk theres someone else on the scene?

    Either way, if he wants to break up with you, as harsh as it may seem, theres nothing you can do about it, other than give him space and hope he rather quickly changes his mind.

    Sorry :(
  • katiekittykat
    katiekittykat Posts: 9,622 Forumite
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    edited 4 December 2018 at 3:25PM
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    Deffo nobody else on the scene

    I am giving him space not contacted him since. I really hope he comes round.

    I guess it would just be a lot easier if I had some answers/proper reason why
    Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.
  • Grenage
    Grenage Posts: 2,909 Forumite
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    Sometimes it just doesn't work out, and there's no particular reason; don't waste your time over-analysing.
  • katiekittykat
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    Thanks all.

    I really hope it is just cold feet.

    I guess would be easier to process in my head if there was a reason cos to me you don't walk away from a 4 year relationship cos you feel a bit distant.
    Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.
  • shiny76
    shiny76 Posts: 548 Forumite
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    So why walk?

    Any clues as to what on earth is going on in his head?
    This isn't meant to be harsh but the only person that can answer your questions is your (ex)boyfriend.

    You have my sympathies, I've been through similar and it's awful. If he's ready to give in on the relationship then you need to let him walk away. You need to focus on yourself and what you would want (without him) in the future.

    Only you would be able to decide (if he was to return) as to whether it was worth the emotional risk. In the meantime, fill every waking moment so you aren't dwelling on things.
  • shiny76
    shiny76 Posts: 548 Forumite
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    Thanks all.
    you don't walk away from a 4 year relationship cos you feel a bit distant.

    That smacks of a attempt to let you down lightly. Sometimes trying to be kind can be a detriment to the other party - it still maintains hope of getting back together.
  • katiekittykat
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    He said he felt that was making me unhappy.

    When i asked him to explain he said he wasn't sure what was going on in his head
    Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.
  • -taff
    -taff Posts: 14,610 Forumite
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    You should ask yourself - if this is a blip here he's just having amment about commitment [ after 4 years?] then will you trust him if he says he had cold feet and made a mistake, or will you always be wondering whether he'd be changing his mind again?
    It's possible that spending lots of time with a single has made him think he doesn't want to be tied down and wants to have fun...
    I probably wouldn't trust him again because going back has never worked for me...
    Shampoo? No thanks, I'll have real poo...
  • sheramber
    sheramber Posts: 19,380 Forumite
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    Is he getting cold feet about you moving in?

    Maybe he is just not yet ready to take that step.
  • Ozzuk
    Ozzuk Posts: 1,884 Forumite
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    You mention he's been hanging round more with a single friend...maybe seeing that lifestyle and then reflecting that the relationship feels distant is making him want the single lifestyle. It is also possible that becuase he wants this other lifestyle he is subconsiously shutting down from you and therefore artificially creating distance.

    Often people can feel single for a long time, i.e. decision made in their head before they get up the courage to end things (or sadly quite often meet someone else). The situation is then worse for you because they have already kind of dealt with the loss, had time to process and this is all new/raw/unfair/makes no sense.

    Give him space, maybe he'll realise what he is losing. But also use the time to think what do you really want. Were you really happy? Would you want him back? It is a shame he hasn't deal with this better - maybe counselling/talking could have prevented this event.

    What I wouldn't do is chase, don't enable his behavious and be a door mat. He should want to be with you, if he doesn't, his loss. move on and be awesome :)
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