Elderly Mother - Showing signs of Dementia - What to do?

melanzana

I am a veteran of years looking after various relatives in dementia. It is not pretty.

I think the focus should be on the carers/relatives now. They can be completely ignored, or should I say their needs and wants and their own lives can be.

I am so sad at the absence of Quality of Life in those that I cared for. Awful. But did my best.

Will never volunteer to care for anyone ever again now, sorry but it has taken its toll on me and my OH. But we did it and are glad to have done so.

Time for us now. And when we need help I know it will be there. If not, we have everything in place for private care. I know we are fortunate, but payback is good too. We did our bit over twenty years. It is relentless and very tough.

katiepoppycat

Well done, you are working so hard and you've done such a great job to get your Mum the care she needs. I really hope you have soome support for yourself too. xx

Skiddaw1

Well done indeed... just wanted to send some hugs your way...


And an extra well done on the parking charge!

paddyz

I’ve had a father with dementia

If mums having double incontinence she might be not cleaning herself properly and urine infections these infections will keep coming back even getting higher up and more problematic to cure, she might not be coping well with life in general and needs some social work involvement if she agrees, they will visit to give mum a shower etc and assist with toileting and medication if she’s not taking her medication properly


But firstly you need to check on mums general health, she is quite young to be so poorly and it could be down to many things even medication, strong meds can really affect a persons capability to do normal tasks


And really be involved, Keep doing what you are doing, get her out and about keep her interested in things, when people are alone the stimulation goes and she will feel stuck in a rut, the problems she has can be all be addressed and could possible be made much better for her in the long term
Referrals to the different specialists for physical as mental health and family support makes a huge difference

Good luck

gairlochgal

My parents both have dementia and they had given me financial power of attorney just before things got really tough.

Their bank accounts are with Lloyds and Halifax and we had to register the PoA documents with both even though it's all part of one company. That was a painful process but I now have access to a specialist team for any transactions on their accounts and they are brilliant. I've had good results from phoning companies where they had accounts, explaining they have dementia, that I understand data protection and don't want information but want to solve a problem eg close an account, cancel a direct debit, pay an outstanding bill etc. I found that most companies are really helpful once they understand the situation.

It's very hard to deal with and I wish you luck and peace. Great advice on this thread.

Jules4971

My dad was admitted to a BUPA dementia nursing home in October. My mum tried nursing at home but couldn't cope as he wasn't mobile.  We applied for LPAs in Dad's name.  We are having real problems with the HSBC and trying to help mum with sorting the finances and paying the nursing home bills and nursing at home bills are still outstanding - she is getting reminders and threatening letters which is making her very ill.  My brother and I just cannot help - we are banging are heads against a brick wall. I went to HSBC in December with my Mum - showed them the LPA, my passport, proof of my address (I live in Cyprus) and my mum showed her passport and signed agreements to let me have access.  I flew back to Cyprus assured by HSBC that their Legal Department would need 3 weeks to ok the LPA and I would receive further instruction in the post in Cyprus.  I've heard nothing.  I've tried calling but keep being asked for security information (which I can understand they have to) but we have no security information as Dad had all this.  My brother suffers from manic depressions and anxiety so is trying his best to help but when he goes into the bank he's not getting very far either.  
Both Mum and Dad have mirror wills - we are trying to safeguard Mum's half of her house and her savings in her name but cannot get any advice without paying for it.  We've been advised that if Mum puts her half of the house in trust to my brother and I and if she becomes ill or dies within 7 years the money has to go back to the state?  We want to be able to safeguard all our parents have worked for.  My dad's half of the house has been effectively frozen in case he needs more money to pay for the home.  His nursing home fees are currently £1,200 per week.  He is paying for himself at the moment but will be down to his £23,500 soon.  
Can anyone advise please?  Any information would be so gladly received,thank you

Primrose

I'm sorry I don't know what practical things to suggest. I believe there is a facility somewhere where you can email the Chief Executive Officer of an organisation, and if you can find this contact, somebody higher up in HSBC may be able to get involved and start banging heads together.   This happened with us some years ago with Barclays Bank and an Executor Account they closed without permission, and within 24 hours somebody at head office had stepped in and helped to resolve the issue.

Does anybody have Power of Attorney for your mother?   It would seem to me important in this situation to ensure that you you can act for her if necessary in the future to help protect her interests.   

Primrose

Just checked and found this web link.  https://www.!!!!!!/index.php?s=H   If you check under UK Companies you will find several sections for HSBC.    If you clink on the  separate identities it will throw up email contact addresses.   If you know which section of HSBC to contact, this may get you through to a short cut. 

Primrose

sorry lnk doesnt seem to show up for some reason. Try Googling "CEO email"  and you will hopefully find it.

Tammer

Hi, I thought I'd update on things.  My mum has been discharged from hospital today after 5 and a half months.   She gets 4 or 5 care visits per 24 hours!    

A question - she has not used her virgin media services for 5.5 months as she was in hospital but has been paying £65 a month or so.  Do you think I would be successful in asking them to refund part of the charges as they can see from the data that nothing was used?