Homophobic gossip ruining my life at work

Comms69

paulharding150 wrote: »

Sorry I'm not disputing the fact that people face discrimination, I'm disputing your claim that coming out is "just a conversation" and that gay people face discrimination by coming out. It's not something that people should feel the need to hide. It's a fairly major part of life. - No it's not. It's actually irrelevant. I couldn't care less if you fancy John or Jane (or both). If you choose to publicise your sexuality, expect people to discuss it - whether gay or straight or whatever.

As though it's the same as saying BTW I take sugar in my coffee, just so you know for the future.

Perhaps we need to look at what you mean by coming out and what I mean.


So to me coming out would be publically acknowledging, for the first time that you are gay / bi / whatever.


Usually to a close friend(s) and or family. You know, the opinions of people that actually matter.




Thereafter you are out. That is it. So yes thereafter it is like saying I take sugar in my coffee; except actually in most settings it wouldn't be relevant at all.


Unless someone asks about your relationship status, I don't see why it would be relevant. Obviously you may wish to discuss your personal life with people, but that's your choice.


To put this into context I don't typically start conversations talking about my heterosexual relationship. I fail to see how this is any different.


I tend to ignore people who behave in a manner I disagree with. (in fairness I tend to ignore the opinions of 7bn people...)


Why let what other people think bother you? That's a sign of a weak personality.

paulharding150

Admitting to yourself that you are gay is different to telling other people, but we'll park that for a moment.

Someone tells their friends/family - it's unluckily to happen in one go, the same conversation has to take place several times with different reactions anticipated in different situations.

You then start a new job and have to go through it all again. Because your new colleges will inevitably ask - are you married, do you have kids, or who are you going on holiday with/who are you spending Christmas with etc. You don't publicly announce you're gay once, you do it time and time again and you never know what the reaction is going to be. For someone else to do it for you is not nice. Trust me.

I'm glad you don't start your conversations talking about your sexuality, because most people in society assume people are straight. And I'm sorry until you've been through it you don't know what it's like or what you're talking about. As I said earlier if only life were as simple as you make it out. Where everyone is happy and accepting.

kwame41

paulharding150 wrote: »

Admitting to yourself that you are gay is different to telling other people, but we'll park that for a moment.

Someone tells their friends/family - it's unluckily to happen in one go, the same conversation has to take place several times with different reactions anticipated in different situations.

You then start a new job and have to go through it all again. Because your new colleges will inevitably ask - are you married, do you have kids, or who are you going on holiday with/who are you spending Christmas with etc. You don't publicly announce you're gay once, you do it time and time again and you never know what the reaction is going to be. For someone else to do it for you is not nice. Trust me.

I'm glad you don't start your conversations talking about your sexuality, because most people in society assume people are straight. And I'm sorry until you've been through it you don't know what it's like or what you're talking about. As I said earlier if only life were as simple as you make it out. Where everyone is happy and accepting.

All good points and Im not so naive to think all people are accepting of others. However, the fault isnt with the person who is 'gay' or whatever. It lies with others and their inability to accept people for who they are.

I believe as a society we are moving in the right direction. A work in progress though.

Comms69

paulharding150 wrote: »

Admitting to yourself that you are gay is different to telling other people, but we'll park that for a moment. - Sure. I wasn't actually saying admitting it to yourself.

Someone tells their friends/family. Unluckily to happen in one go, the same conversation has to take place several times with different reactions anticipated in different situations. - sure but those will happen in or around the same time. Because once it's known to one person in a family or circle of friends, it will become fairly public knowledge quickly.

You then start a new job and have to go through it all again. - Why? Because your new colleges will inevitably ask - are you married, do you have kids, or who are you going on holiday with/who are you spending Christmas with etc. - You're there to work, not socialise. If you don't want to talk about it. Don't. If you do, do. You don't publicly announce your gay once, you do it time and time again and you never know what the reaction is going to be. - That's your choice. And regardless, I ask again why do you care? For someone else to do it for you is not nice. Trust me. - So either tell everyone, or tell no-one.

I'm glad you don't start your conversations talking about your sexuality - I don't because it's not important. In fact I would wager £5 that the first thing people as is "what do you do/study" , because most people in society assume people are straight. - It's just statistically likely to be the case. And I'm sorry until you've been through it you don't know what it's like or what you're talking about. - please don't try to use that "You're a white, straight male" nonsense. As I said earlier if only life were as simple as you make it out. Where everyone is happy and accepting.

You clearly aren't reading what i'm saying, so I will put it succinctly:


Why do you care what other people think? Why is your ego so fragile that you worry what strangers think about who you sleep with?


On the contrary to what you claim im saying; im actually saying "life ISNT happy and accepting; stop giving a ____ what others think"

paulharding150

Comms69 wrote: »

Why do you care what other people think? Why is your ego so fragile that you worry what strangers think about who you sleep with?

Because a significant proportion of people (as per the opening posters colleges) treat people differently because of who they do sleep with.

BTW, where do you work, I fancy comming to your workplace, to gossip about you and see how you react.

Comms69 wrote: »

You're there to work, not socialise

I bet you're fun at lunch.

Comms69

paulharding150 wrote: »

Because a significant proportion of people (as per the opening posters colleges) treat people differently because of who they do sleep with. - Clearly you're not getting it. So what?? Just ignore it and get on with your job.

BTW, where do you work, I fancy comming to your workplace, to gossip about you and see how you react. - NHS. Feel free. I literally don't care. My reaction would be to get on with my job. The fact that you 'want to gossip' says more about you than it does about me...

I bet you're fun at lunch.

I go out for lunch. I thought that would be obvious. There's 4 people I enjoy spending time with and who's opinions I value. None of them are people I work with.


Perhaps it's a difficult concept for you to grasp.


You can say or think what you like. As long as you aren't causing me physical violence I don't care.

paulharding150

Comms69 wrote: »

I go out for lunch. I thought that would be obvious. There's 4 people I enjoy spending time with and who's opinions I value. None of them are people I work with.

Perhaps it's a difficult concept for you to grasp.

It's not difficult, but it's unusual to only enjoy spending time with just 4 people, most people interact personally and professionally with a far larger number of people. Perhaps that's a difficult concept for you to grasp.

Malthusian

paulharding150 wrote: »

You then start a new job and have to go through it all again. Because your new colleges will inevitably ask - are you married, do you have kids, or who are you going on holiday with/who are you spending Christmas with etc.

Answering these questions is not coming out as gay. It is just answering extremely commonplace small talk questions about your life. Hardly anybody cares about which gender the people involved happen to be.

You don't have to say "Yes I have a husband and two kids, BECAUSE I AM GAY. *rainbow confetti cannons*" Or perhaps "Yes I have a wife and two kids, BECAUSE I AM BISEXUAL *rainbow confetti cannons*, but the person I fell in love with happens to be of opposite gender." You can just say "Yes I have a husband and two kids."

These questions are small talk, they are not trying to trap you or find out if they need to get the burning crosses and holy water.

Comms69

paulharding150 wrote: »

It's not difficult, but it's unusual to only enjoy spending time with just 4 people, most people interact personally and professionally with a far larger number of people. - I do as well. I just don't care what their opinion is of my personal life. Perhaps that's a difficult concept for you to grasp.

Nope, not difficult at all. By all means interact with a billion people if you want.


Just don't expect everyone to sign up to your thinking

paulharding150

Malthusian wrote: »

Answering these questions is not coming out as gay. It is just answering extremely commonplace small talk questions about your life. Hardly anybody cares about which gender the people involved happen to be.

Telling a new person (neighbour, boss, collegue, random etc) is coming out again, because you don't know what the reaction is going to be.

https://www.stonewall.org.uk/about-us/media-centre/media-statement/stonewall-reveals-coming-out-work-still-problem

Sure you could ignore the question or lie, but why should you?