Homophobic gossip ruining my life at work

HendrikSavoo

I am a fairly new colleague in my 30s at a supermarket in Liverpool (one of the major ones).

I was recently "outed" against my will by another gay guy at work whom I told in confidence that I was gay (FWIW I am always "out" in my private life, but did not want this information revealed in my workplace).

Because of his gossip, the whole supermarket now knows about my sexuality, and this is pretty significant because I work alone on my department and barely speak to anyone! Most people never even said good morning to me, yet now know about my sex life!

Unfortunately, there is a nasty undercurrent of homophobia forming and many people have now chosen to treat me differently and I am subjected to ambiguous harrassment and gossip, sometimes even with me present.

Management are unable or unwilling to anything about it, although to be fair I havent complained yet.

I am so hurt by this situation, and deprived of my dignity, especially being "outed" without my permission.

Can someone please advise me as to what my options are? Has my gay colleague broken any laws relating to the Equality Act 2010 with his gossip?

Comms69

HendrikSavoo wrote: »

I am a fairly new colleague in my 30s at a supermarket in Liverpool (one of the major ones).

I was recently "outed" against my will by another gay guy at work whom I told in confidence that I was gay (FWIW I am always "out" in my private life, but did not want this information revealed in my workplace).

Because of his gossip, the whole supermarket now knows about my sexuality, and this is pretty significant because I work alone on my department and barely speak to anyone! Most people never even said good morning to me, yet now know about my sex life! - they don't though do they? They know you're gay. That is no different to them presuming you do be any other sexuality.

Unfortunately, there is a nasty undercurrent of homophobia forming and many people have now chosen to treat me differently and I am subjected to ambiguous harrassment and gossip, sometimes even with me present. - can you give examples? I only ask because clearly there is another gay man there?

Management are unable or unwilling to anything about it, although to be fair I havent complained yet.

I am so hurt by this situation, and deprived of my dignity, especially being "outed" without my permission. - There's no such thing, sorry. I do understand that coming out is difficult. But you have no right to not be outed

Can someone please advise me as to what my options are? Has my gay colleague broken any laws relating to the Equality Act 2010 with his gossip?

Absolutely not.

ReadingTim

If you believe this is homophobia, then you need to make a formal complaint to HR about it.

However, you're new, seem to keep yourself to yourself, and are ever so slightly different from the norm. People gossip because it's human nature. In a couple of week's time it's likely to be who got drunk and snogged who or threw up at the Christmas party, or some other such 'scandal'. The gender of whoever it is that tickles your tonsils won't be given a second thought.

I appreciate it's difficult when someone betrays your confidence and trust, especially in such a personal matter as this. But I fail to see why if you're out in your personal life, why you're so "deprived of your dignity" at work. And other than a bit of playground giggling and childish behaviour, no-one's going to be that bothered - it's only as big a deal as you make it. In short, man up, ignore the comments and it's likely to be forgotten sooner than 2019's new year's resolutions!

stator

You'll need concrete evidence, or at least detailed written logs of incidents.


I suggest you start to keep a diary of exact things that are said. If someone is particularly bad, try to record subtly using a mobile phone



I'm afraid no-one will be able to do anything about general attitudes.

tightasagnats

Contact Stonewall, this is their area and can offer support and advice.

https://www.stonewall.org.uk/contact-us

https://www.stonewall.org.uk/help-advice/discrimination/discrimination-work

They also provide training to employers.

Those offering advice thus far may not be well informed, I suggest that you consult those that are, rather than getting opinions, however well intentioned.

Comms69

tightasagnats wrote: »

Contact Stonewall, this is their area and can offer support and advice.

https://www.stonewall.org.uk/contact-us

https://www.stonewall.org.uk/help-advice/discrimination/discrimination-work

They also provide training to employers.

Those offering advice thus far may not be well informed, I suggest that you consult those that are, rather than getting opinions, however well intentioned.

Whilst I agree with the sentiment. And think people should get professional advice.


The answer to the OPs question of - did the colleague breach the equality act, the answer is most definitely a no.


The rest, we simply don't know, as the OP hasn't provided examples. Talking about someone is definitely NOT a hate crime, or whatever else people may think.


Is derogatory comments are being made, then yes that should be investigated; but given the other party involved in 'spreading gossip' is also gay; I find it hard to believe that sexuality is the sole cause of any of this.

BrassicWoman

Comms69 wrote: »

Whilst I agree with the sentiment. And think people should get professional advice.


The answer to the OPs question of - did the colleague breach the equality act, the answer is most definitely a no.

.

http://m.acas.org.uk/media/pdf/r/b/Sexual_Orientation_Discrimination_Nov.pdf


Page nine. Not clear cut, depends on the circumstances. So probably a no if no malice was intended, but not definite.


I too think a conversation with Stonewall would be more helpful than opinions here.

Comms69

BrassicWoman wrote: »

http://m.acas.org.uk/media/pdf/r/b/Sexual_Orientation_Discrimination_Nov.pdf


Page nine. Not clear cut, depends on the circumstances. So probably a no if no malice was intended, but not definite.


I too think a conversation with Stonewall would be more helpful than opinions here.

Or like page ten, but I agree.


The key thing is what was said:


Because of his gossip, the whole supermarket now knows about my sexuality, and this is pretty significant because I work alone on my department and barely speak to anyone! Most people never even said good morning to me, yet now know about my sex life! - That is not discrimination. Gay, straight, bisexual or a sexual. Knowing someone's sexuality is NOT discrimination.

Unfortunately, there is a nasty undercurrent of homophobia forming - THIS this the key bit. And why I asked for examples. There could very well be an excellent case for discrimination here. and many people have now chosen to treat me differently - The thing is with this, being treated differently. That could be anything. Homophobes (whether you agree or not) are entitled to work. How is this person treated differently; no longer invited to post work drinks, tough. Not asked to the weekly team meeting, totally different and I am subjected to ambiguous harrassment and gossip, sometimes even with me present. - Ambiguous. What does that mean. Harassment cannot be ambiguous.




I fully agree that homophobia exists. I fully agree that it, morally, shouldn't.


BUT there is a massive difference between discrimination and comment.


Being gay, just to be clear, is not the protected characteristic. Sexuality is. That's ALL of them. If the employer is treating the OP differently for being gay; fair play, hand up, take it further (with evidence), but at the minute there is nothing to evidence that. And im sorry, because this is often the excuse, but sometimes people need a thicker skin to deal with everyday banter.


I keep going back to the colleague who outed the OP. Evidently openly gay (or the OP wouldn't know) and clearly listened to. Why would this happen with one person and not another. I mean why does sexuality even matter. Hiding it seems more bizarre than not.


By all means, everyone is entitled to a private life. The OP, to some degree mixed business and personal outing themselves to one person.


Is this actionable, maybe - but with a big caveat on what was actually said.

HendrikSavoo

Comms69 wrote: »

Whilst I agree with the sentiment. And think people should get professional advice.


The answer to the OPs question of - did the colleague breach the equality act, the answer is most definitely a no.


The rest, we simply don't know, as the OP hasn't provided examples. Talking about someone is definitely NOT a hate crime, or whatever else people may think.


Is derogatory comments are being made, then yes that should be investigated; but given the other party involved in 'spreading gossip' is also gay; I find it hard to believe that sexuality is the sole cause of any of this.

As for your last paragraph, is it really hard for you to understand that gay guys can be homophobic too? It is surely well known that many gay guys are unfortunately !!!!!y towards other gays. It is unacceptable to "out" someone anyway, especially if they don't want it to happen.

There is a nasty undercurrent of homophobia brewing, which recently has caused people to snigger as they walk past me and make comments like "where have you been hiding?" (a reference to the closet).

Also every 5 minutes the main ringleaders are constantly engaging in some kind of gossip in some dark corner of the warehouse and when I walk past they start to stare at me and giggle.

A male colleague said to me "good bye, darling" as I left the shop the other day.

I used to give someone a lift home after work, now he prefers to walk.

My main work colleague - and a homophobe - who worked on the same department has now 'coincidentally' moved to another area of the shop (I think this is because he doesn't want to work with 'someone like me' - and find it ridiculous that the managers allowed this to happen).

So as soon as I am outed as gay, I am all alone, ridiculed, ostracised, and isolated.

I also had a day off ill recently and most of the homophobes supposed this was because I could no longer handle the situation. This actually made me very upset as, to me at least, it kind of proves that they want me gone and know the kind of hurt it is causing me.

BrassicWoman

HendrikSavoo wrote: »

As for your last paragraph, is it really hard for you to understand that gay guys can be homophobic too? It is surely well known that many gay guys are unfortunately !!!!!y towards other gays. It is unacceptable to "out" someone anyway, especially if they don't want it to happen.

Apparently no, he does not understand that. Honestly, I would not post here for any more advice; the knowledge of gender and QUILTBAG is minimal; the justifiers and victim blamers are many.



Please do call Stonewall in the morning! I wish you all of the best, and lots of strength.

Comms69

HendrikSavoo wrote: »

As for your last paragraph, is it really hard for you to understand that gay guys can be homophobic too? It is surely well known that many gay guys are unfortunately !!!!!y towards other gays. It is unacceptable to "out" someone anyway, especially if they don't want it to happen. - Your opinion, whilst I sympathise, has no bearing in law.

There is a nasty undercurrent of homophobia brewing, which recently has caused people to snigger as they walk past me and make comments like "where have you been hiding?" (a reference to the closet). - Or a reference to you working alone?

Also every 5 minutes the main ringleaders are constantly engaging in some kind of gossip in some dark corner of the warehouse and when I walk past they start to stare at me and giggle. - ....

A male colleague said to me "good bye, darling" as I left the shop the other day. - is this uncommon?

I used to give someone a lift home after work, now he prefers to walk.- and?

My main work colleague - and a homophobe - who worked on the same department has now 'coincidentally' moved to another area of the shop (I think this is because he doesn't want to work with 'someone like me' - and find it ridiculous that the managers allowed this to happen). - and?

So as soon as I am outed as gay, I am all alone, ridiculed, ostracised, and isolated. - But you said you work alone?

I also had a day off ill recently and most of the homophobes supposed this was because I could no longer handle the situation. This actually made me very upset as, to me at least, it kind of proves that they want me gone and know the kind of hurt it is causing me.

Maybe, but can you prove it? Because at the minute it sounds more like being thinskinned. Sorry, but it's the way a 3rd party would se it