Homophobic gossip ruining my life at work

HendrikSavoo

So I was outed spitefully by the other gay guy at work, there is many people who have now turned against me because they are homophobic, and anyone else who doesn't fit into either of those categories, knows about the whole situation anyway.

I look like a total pathetic victim and I am seriously considering leaving - but what constitutes constructive dismissal?

And btw, I am going to contact stonewall and the Citizens Advice Bureau.

Undervalued

HendrikSavoo wrote: »

So I was outed spitefully by the other gay guy at work, there is many people who have now turned against me because they are homophobic, and anyone else who doesn't fit into either of those categories, knows about the whole situation anyway.

I look like a total pathetic victim and I am seriously considering leaving - but what constitutes constructive dismissal?

And btw, I am going to contact stonewall and the Citizens Advice Bureau.

In terms of a winnable case it needs to be something quite exceptional as less than 3% of constructive dismissal claims are won. Normally it is necessary to have fully exhausted the firm's grievance procedure to stand any chance.

If you are even considering that route you need to take proper legal advice first.

lincroft1710

HendrikSavoo wrote: »

Management are unable or unwilling to anything about it, although to be fair I havent complained yet.

HendrikSavoo wrote: »

I am seriously considering leaving - but what constitutes constructive dismissal?

You can hardly claim "constructive dismissal" if you haven't complained to management and given them the opportunity of investigating your allegations. Even then, you may not get the vindication you are looking for.

A further point to consider is that as you have been there less than 2 years, management could dismiss you without reason. Your sexuality does not protect you, unless you it was used as a reason for your dismissal.

I feel the other gay guy is upset at not being "the only gay in the village" and has probably told fellow workers some rather untrue, unflattering stories about you

sangie595

Whilst I have sympathy about the perceived hostility in the workplace, I genuinely cannot see this constituting a case of anything. Certainly not constructive unfair dismissal, which, as mentioned, would require exhausting the employers grievance process - and shed loads more evidence.

What have you here? Allegedly another gay guy has outed you in the workplace, but you have no proof of that. It would appear in your opinion that the majority of people you work with are homophobes - your actual evidence for this is what? And these homophobes hang around with the other gay guy long enough to gossip with him? Or even believe him? So not your usual run of the mill homophobes. A number of comments have been made which you have interpreted in specific ways - but which could easily be interpreted in totally other ways. You work alone, and before this nobody spoke to you even to say good morning - and they still don't speak to you? Management won't do anything about any of this stuff, but there isn't really a lot they can do about some rather vague complaints - especially since you haven't even raised them!

The simple fact is that, based on this, your story is inconsistent and wouldn't hold up in a grievance, never mind a court of law. So if you wanted to do something about this you need much more reliable evidence, and you need to formally raise this evidence with management.

Any minute now someone will be along to tell you that you are clearly being discriminated against and should start legal proceedings because you are bound to win. There's a new fashion around here for new posters to tell you what you would like to hear. Take that advice at your peril. They won't be picking up the pieces when things get worse. It seems some people get amusement out of telling you fairy tales dressed up as law, because they won't bear the consequences.

Realistically, your options are:
a) ignore it - most gossip wears out in a few weeks anyway
b) raise it, formally or informally, with your manager
c) collect better evidence, but you will still have to do b - you cannot just walk away and make legal claims without trying to resolve the situation with your employer
d) get another job.

Whatever you decide to do, join a union or take out legal insurance. Don't rely on the anonymous advice of strangers on the internet. These days there are too many who will happily exploit your own circumstances without any consideration of how much worse it could get. They may be in the minority, but they do not care about you or your job. If you knew the "right" answer you wouldn't be here asking the question. So how will you know which advice is most realistic - what you want to hear, or what you don't?

TBagpuss

HendrikSavoo wrote: »

So I was outed spitefully by the other gay guy at work, there is many people who have now turned against me because they are homophobic, and anyone else who doesn't fit into either of those categories, knows about the whole situation anyway.

I look like a total pathetic victim and I am seriously considering leaving - but what constitutes constructive dismissal?

And btw, I am going to contact stonewall and the Citizens Advice Bureau.

Have you made any kind of formal complaint to HR? I think speaking to Stonewall is a good idea, but from an employment perspective, I think you would need to have raised it as a concern, and if you were looking at constructive dismissal, I think you have to have tried internal processes such as a formal grievance, before leaving.

From what you say, it's possible that what feels to you like very obvious homophobia, may be fat less obvious to someone not directly affected.

As you mentioned that this is a supermarket, check out what policies they have - they may have specific policies which you can reference if you raise a grievance or even simply make an informal initial complaint, and it is possible they may even have a LGBT officer or liaison within the HR dept.

Les79

HendrikSavoo wrote: »

As for your last paragraph, is it really hard for you to understand that gay guys can be homophobic too? It is surely well known that many gay guys are unfortunately !!!!!y towards other gays. It is unacceptable to "out" someone anyway, especially if they don't want it to happen.

What an odd thing to say given that YOU didn't heed your own "well known" warning....


Why did you ignore the "well known" fact that you referred to here?

There is a nasty undercurrent of homophobia brewing, which recently has caused people to snigger as they walk past me and make comments like "where have you been hiding?" (a reference to the closet).

Sounds like playground behaviour to be fair. I would 1000% recommend speaking to a manager, or their senior (if the manager is involved), as they will probably have a stern word with them because of the HR/liability element. It should become tolerable, but then again you'll probably argue that there is an undertone still present. It will be pretty tough proving anything though and you will need to go through the internal processes first.


If you are serious about the "constructive dismissal" element then my UNPROFESSIONAL opinion is that you'd need a *serious breach of contract* for that; and I only really think that happens when you raise the homophobia issue and they ignore/dismiss it as a company. If the company only become aware of the issue (in an official capacity) AFTER you leave, it might not be "constructive dismissal". But you can speak to the likes of ACAS about that topic.


Also, I would recommend that you speak to a union. You generally have to pay £x a month and they don't help with ongoing issues (ie you can't join AFTER a problem arises), but they can help by providing guidance and possibly more (attending meetings and supporting you etc). I *think* Usdaw is one example of a union for store workers.

Also every 5 minutes the main ringleaders are constantly engaging in some kind of gossip in some dark corner of the warehouse and when I walk past they start to stare at me and giggle.

Leave them to it! You're in your 30s, maybe you are different but at that age I was maturing a bit more and couldn't be bothered paying any mind to idle gossip.

A male colleague said to me "good bye, darling" as I left the shop the other day.

haha, that is a bit crappy but sometimes small minded people only respond to one of two things:


- When you blank them and find company with nice people (the second part is important for your own sanity). They'll get bored and eventually figure out how sad they are.


- Make them feel uncomfortable. "bye sweetie, I'll see you later yea? *blow kiss*". Though that method can sometimes facilitate more "banter" so it is more about whether you'd be comfortable keeping that up over long periods of time; you probably wouldn't cope.

I used to give someone a lift home after work, now he prefers to walk.

Who cares?! The ONLY reason I'd care was if he was chipping in for the petrol costs. Aside from that, good riddance! Always good when you are able to figure out what people are like early on; you can't *make* people like you and having people who are so on the fence with you as to demonstrate that sort of behaviour aren't worth a nanosecond of your time.

My main work colleague - and a homophobe - who worked on the same department has now 'coincidentally' moved to another area of the shop (I think this is because he doesn't want to work with 'someone like me' - and find it ridiculous that the managers allowed this to happen).

Good riddance.

I also had a day off ill recently and most of the homophobes supposed this was because I could no longer handle the situation. This actually made me very upset as, to me at least, it kind of proves that they want me gone and know the kind of hurt it is causing me.

I think you need to speak to a manager/someone higher up.

xapprenticex

As has been said, there is another gay dude at your place yet all the issues seemed aimed at you rather than him.

So unless the malicious gay dude is in the trenches with you then id say their problem is with you personally (for whatever reason) rather than the gay situation. That may just be a tool to get you to bite.

Not justifying what you believe has happened but it seems to be more about you than your preference.


Also unless they are saying things out loud, you dont know what they are saying, even if they laugh at you. Your worst case scenario is it being around you being gay so you assume that.



But calling every person who appears to talking about you a homophobic person... i think thats a little presumptuous until you are certain that is the case.

HendrikSavoo

From speaking to this gay guy beforehand, I know the following thing about him: He is in his late 20s, has no gay friends, never been to a Pride festival, never been to a gay bar, lives at home with his parents, uses Grindr a lot, and now "outs" other gay guys at work just to be spiteful.

Could it actually be that this guy just doesn't like gay guys? He uses them for sex sure, but in terms of friendships, he prefers girls and straight guys.

Then there is what another poster said in a post above, about him being unhappy that he is no longer the only special gay penguin in the shop, so he is spreading unflattering and untrue rumours (and some true gossip) to kind of destroy my credibility - maybe if I walk away with my tail between my legs, he will be the only gay in the village again...

So there is an element of homophobia here, and he is in my opinion being homophobic to me, but in this situation, I am not even sure someone like him even knows what homophobia is. He seems to make it personal and material - yet unable to understand that if people in the shop hate me for being gay, then they will hate him too.

Gavin83

I have to ask you OP, what do you actually want as an outcome from this?

HendrikSavoo

Gavin83 wrote: »

I have to ask you OP, what do you actually want as an outcome from this?

I am trying to understand how to restore my dignity by looking at options to make things better.
If he is just going to laugh at me forever because he "outed" me then at the very least he needs to be made aware of how his actions have upset me.