Maintenance & Car

swingaloo

You sound very resentful of the ex and the child. You say you don't want to get involved and that once a month is enough for you to see the child.

It will only get worse. The child is 3 and his dad has another 15 years of paying maintenance along with 15 years of demands on his time. You should be glad he is trying to be a good dad.

How will you feel if his ex meets someone else and wants to go away on holiday with that person and asks your partner to have his child for a week or two ?

How will you feel if you have a child of your own? Are you going to be resenting everything spent on his first son rather than on your child?

Don't assume that the little contact he has now will always be that way. Things change over time and there may come a time when the mum wants more time to herself and wants your partner to perhaps have his son every weekend.

You will only alienate your partner if he starts to think that you resent his child or the money he spends on him. Unless you are fully committed to supporting and encouraging his relationship with his child then you need to break with him now.


Look at things from his ex wife's point of view she may be thinking-


'My husband and I split up when our child was only 18 months old. Im now left with a small child to raise who misses his daddy, we don't have the income or lifestyle we once had and Im having to struggle with working and childcare whilst he is with a woman who is well off but resentful of anything my ex does for us, doesn't really want my son in her life and the two of them are free of the responsibility that Im left with.'


You have a god man there who is willing to go the extra mile for his child and that should be applauded. in the future there will be many more expenses he may choose to cover. He probably feels guilty that he is not there for his son every day and he shouldn't have his decision about what he spends on his son questioned.

missg2210

The £500 banger is fine for him to be driven around in when we have him so I get your point but I’m the one that has the nice car not him....

He did not leave her for me he left her for his own self......so he has o guilt in that aspect.


When I say once a month it’s because I don’t want to impose on their time together.... it wasn’t a spiteful thing it was more of a they should have their own time without me.

Not a problem to have him for more time.... we have asked to take him away with us and been told noo... it’s one thing for her 1 thing for him....

I am not having children.... my own choice. My job and other aspects of life’s are more important than that and I also have a nephew and other children to spoil,

He knows I don’t resent the child. Just the situation where I’m being forgotton and forced out quite a lot.

People may think I’m being petty over 200 & maybe I am I do not deny... but also it’s a wider issue based around that 1 fact.

onomatopoeia99

thorsoak wrote: »

He is paying £200 a month to ensure that his child is in a car which should be safe - would you rather that he bought his ex-partner a £500 banger which might not pass the next MOT?

Any vehicle might not pass the next MOT. Some cars don't pass their first MOT. Should we all change them at three years old because they may not pass?

There is nothing inherently unsafe about a £500 car, I spent my whole childhood being driven around in cars that cost that or less by my parents, because they were old. It only seems to be in recent years we have a generation of people that feel "entitled" to have shiny new cars all the time.

Make do and mend as a concept seems to have gone out the window now, even on MSE where people advocate splashing hundreds every month to have a newer car rather than keeping an older but perfectly serviceable one going :eek: .

swingaloo

missg2210 wrote: »

He did not leave her for me he left her for his own self......so he has o guilt in that aspect.
.

Don't want to sound horrible but that doesn't ring true.

Leaving a marriage or partnership when there are no children is one thing but leaving your own child is traumatic whatever the circumstances between you and your ex.

I understand that sometimes you have to leave a relationship for your own self but with a child involved its different.

It would take a very selfish parent to put their own self before their children and your partner does not sound like that type of person. If he had to leave the relationship for his own self then he will have gone through a lot of soul searching before doing so.


I cant believe that any parent who is forced to leave a child behind does not carry a certain amount of guilt even if they try not to show it.

Whatever life he makes with you he will always regret not being there for his child. Every parents evening, sports day, birthday, Christmas morning he will feel it which is why its good that he wants to be involved even to the point of providing more than he legally needs too.

missg2210

swingaloo wrote: »

Don't want to sound horrible but that doesn't ring true.

Leaving a marriage or partnership when there are no children is one thing but leaving your own child is traumatic whatever the circumstances between you and your ex.

I understand that sometimes you have to leave a relationship for your own self but with a child involved its different.

It would take a very selfish parent to put their own self before their children and your partner does not sound like that type of person. If he had to leave the relationship for his own self then he will have gone through a lot of soul searching before doing so.


I cant believe that any parent who is forced to leave a child behind does not carry a certain amount of guilt even if they try not to show it.

Whatever life he makes with you he will always regret not being there for his child. Every parents evening, sports day, birthday, Christmas morning he will feel it which is why its good that he wants to be involved even to the point of providing more than he legally needs too.

I agree with you it wasn’t a snap decision... I know it took him about a year to do it so I get he has guilt but I meant the guilt isn’t about leaving for me as that didn’t happen.

Working_Mum

I am a single Mum to two children (now 20 & 17) who were 8 & 10 when their Dad left. There are so many misconceptions and mis-understandings when it comes to raising children alone or being a parent away from their child.

My ex-H honestly thought he could still maintain a close relationship with our children despite seeing them every other weekend.

To give my ex-H his credit he has paid what the CSA calculator says he should PLUS half of the children's school related expenses, trips etc. He would pay a proportion of his bonus each year to a savings account for the kids. He would also contribute to new glasses for my daughter or physio/chiro fees if they'd got injured doing sports etc. He bought my daughter a car for her 17th (I had bought our son his first car) but he covered his insurance,my ex-H has never kvetched at paying his way. I would say "what would have happened had we stayed together?".....

BUT given all of this he is still on the periphery of his children's lives and he feels it enormously. He feels guilt every single day for leaving our marriage (he had an affair) and the impact it has had on our children.

I call it the "law of unexpected consequences" (LoUC) when things happen which are not expected - sadly your discomfort with what your boyfriend spends on his child is simply a consequence of this law missg2210 - I am sure your BF never thought for one second that doing the right thing by his child would have this impact on you.

It is always difficult being a new partner to someone who has a child/children, my ex-H's current wife isn't hated by my children but she isn't valued, loved or respected by them because they know she had an affair with their Dad. Now some people would say she wasn't anything to do with it BUT my "LoUC" says the kids love their Dad because he is their Dad but don't have to like her. I know she is gutted and she isn't leading the life she was promised but once again my "LoUC" applies. The Disney blended family of schmaltzy Christmases and holidays does not apply in most day to day cases.

I think this situation has simply brought a few issues to the surface for you and if you were to examine what you truly feel it isn't about the money it is that he isn't prioritising you and that hurts you deeply. The money/child situation aside you probably need to explore these feelings further to decide where you want to put your energies in the future. Him having a child will not go away and balancing the parental/child relationship/ dynamic doesn't get easier with time, there are simply different/other issues which come to the fore.....all the while the LoUC applies.

missg2210

I am sorry your ex h had an affair.my bf did not so that aspect of hating me because of that doesnt come into play... but what does is being someone else who isn’t their mum which I totally do understand.

I have been this child for the majority of my life so do have first hand experience. I loved my dads ex gf she was so cool we did lots of nice things and tbh probably was better than my own mum (she hates me btw) my mum also had other bfs & again no issues so it can’t be done for blended families. It’s been just me and my dad for 10 years now & tbh I love that.... I’m not dillusional for a ‘disney family’ far from it tbh.

Like you ex h pays half of school things and extra curricular things so does mine. This whole heartedly is not my problem 1 bit. My 1 problem isn’t to finance someone else’s luxury and to continually push me out and forget (avoid) to tell me certain things (not finance related). I work my life around them make sure I know when’s enhance as him so I can work extra & not be there etc.

I am beyond supportortive of these aspects.

Working_Mum

I was simply sharing a perspective with missg2210 ....to try and help you see that this isn't about the money and there is a long term view you have to get a handle on (if you are going to continue in a relationship with this guy)...how you're feeling clearly isn't about the money (you have said you earn well and have fiscal freedom). You seem to want to justify your position and that's cool, your position is what it is but you are part of the problem here because you are the one railing against it and your assertion to the contrary is ridiculous. Your boyfriend doesn't have an issue with the current situation, you are the only one who does have an issue with the money he (a fully gown adult with an independent mind) is spending on HIS child. I think it's great he has such solid values he pays his way fully.

As Philip Larkin wrote "Your Parents F*** You Up" and these are words I ruminate on regularly as I navigate the intricacies of being a single Mum to 2 teens.

What comes through from you on your posts is someone who is hurting and upset with her boyfriend's behaviour.

I would bet a £1 to a pinch of salt that your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend is NOT leading a life of luxury, despite what you have written. Raising kids is a gruelling and lonely road.

All the best to you as you strive to navigate this

Over and out

gettingtheresometime

Of course you could always tackle the problem from a different perspective.


If you're both on a good wage yet he's always skint, then either he's got commitments that he's not telling you about or frittering money away and not realising it (he may even be realising it and not wanting to admit it!)


Personally I would drop the subject until after Christmas and then in the New Year suggest that you as a couple look at where your money is going if only so that you can see if you can get the same (or more) for less.


I think his response once you've let it drop for a while will be telling.

unholyangel

OP, people should pay attention to how their partner treats & speaks about their ex - because thats a very good indication of how they'd treat & speak about you if you ever broke up. At least you know your partner is someone who will help out when he doesn't need to if you ever have children together then separate. Thats a desirable trait in a partner, despite it being counter intuitive because it can make you feel like they don't value your relationship, that they care more about their ex than they do you or still feel like they owe their ex something. When really, its showing that they don't treat people like trash as soon as they're no longer useful to them, they're a person you can depend upon no matter what transpires between you personally.


Personally, rather than approach it in a telling them/asking them not to spend money on a certain thing, I'd ask them either:
1) to tell me how much they can afford so I can try plan around that
2) to tell me if there are any outgoings they'd be willing to cut back on and see if we can maybe find a better deal and have the best of both worlds - ex is kept happy and you guys have more money to do things together.