Maintenance & Car

BrassicWoman

You cannot change his behaviour , only yours.

Options
Put up with it and stop moaning
Keep moaning
Go on nice holidays with your mates instead of him
Get rid

You need to agree this before living together, I think

FBaby

You've been together for less than 18 months and don't live together yet. You do the same job so did you meet at work? Did he leave her for you? Maybe he is still paying because he feels bad?May e he is paying because she is paying joint debts he told you nothing about.

Considering how fresh your relationship is and not even living together yet, who are you to decide how he should spend his money on? You seem bitter that he gives her anything. It's his money though and clearly he has his reasons. Might worth to try to understand them but I can't see how you can dictate how he should spend his money at this point - if ever.

downshifted

Resentment ruins relationships. I understand your resentment. I understand his desire to keep the peace with his child’s mother. As the child is 3 there is a long way to go. Don’t have him move in with you. Keep your finances separate. Take more time to decide whether this relationship can work in the long term. Best wishes

Red-Squirrel_2

missg2210 wrote: »

I absolutely agree with this & paying for the kid isn’t a problem.... but a car to drive around in too???

That's the choice he's made.

It doesn't matter what anyone on here thinks, its either acceptable to you or it isn't.

I'm always glad to hear of a dad who does more than the legally required minimum for their child, rather than the many who try to contribute as little as humanly possible.

financegeek

i'm no relationship expert, but I don't think you're right for each other.

He's on enough money that £200.00 a month shouldn't be an issue. I can see why it's frustrating for you, but you should be focusing on discussing with him what he's doing with the rest of the money, which means you don't have funds to do the things you would like to do together.

I'd sit down and explain you want to discuss finances. write off the £700.00 he pays to his ex but discuss what you want to do together and how you're both going to finance it.

if he's not prepared to sit down and talk he's not the right person for you. Best you realise and move on before you're living together.

Doodles

Sadly for you, I really don't think this relationship may be right for you.

From the outside, it looks this way:

He splits from his ex, and they agree £500 maintenance and £200 car.

Another girlfriend (you) comes onto the scene, and starts to try and control what he does with his money, because you want to go out more/do nice things.

You are not married to him and you don't even live together. Do you realise you don't have a right to tell him what he should or shouldn't do with his money.

Whether his ex works, claims benefits or whatever, that's not your business.

He is not discussing it because he doesn't want to change it. Period.

I also don't believe that if he earns £60K that even giving his ex £700 would make finances so tight that you cant do anything nice.

On the other hand, you are in the stage of the relationship where you want nice things, to go nice places and enjoy yourselves.

And you have every right to want that for yourself. However, this chap sounds like he isn't the one to do that unfortunately.

You will have to decide whether you can put up with it and lower your expectations, or step away from the relationship.

You sound unhappy, and resentful. If he dropped the £200 car payment today, then over the years there may be other requests for help for holidays away with the school, or help with other stuff. Will you feel resentful at her every request, and every penny that he gives her.

Not meaning to sound harsh OP, you have a right to feel sad as this relationship is not meeting your expectations. But only you can decide whether you back down, or back away. Good luck.

Comms69

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

That's the choice he's made.

It doesn't matter what anyone on here thinks, its either acceptable to you or it isn't.

I'm always glad to hear of a dad who does more than the legally required minimum for their child, rather than the many who try to contribute as little as humanly possible.

Something we agree on!

I think that too many people pay the minimum and think ‘job done’

missg2210

I have absolutely no quibbles over paying for a child... every man or woman should. Period.

I am at that stage where I want to do nice things & everyone is correct I cannot tell anyone what to do with their finances... but I always said if it started to affect us then something had to give & if that’s me going then fine.

I’m not sure where anyone got the £1200 from as it equates to about 6 times more. As for debt I actually helped sort all of that & that isn’t an issue.

Believe me I holiday 4 plus times a year and only 1 is ever with him so I do do that stuff for myself. I just feel like I want someone who wants to do more with me.

I’ll make a point I have never lived with anyone. I have always been very much on my own. I have the house to myself daily then I go to work & by then people in the house are home & in bed already. Tbh I like it like that so 18 months & not living together is no issue with me cos I was with my ex 5 years & we didn’t

Thank you for all the replies. It seems the conclusion is as I originally thought. Sometimes you just need someone else to say it

Spendless

missg2210 wrote: »

500 is crazy amount. We never had that from my dad. It is also not a minimum along with all the clothes we buy as well as days out and other things he does.

It isn’t his child’s car.... it’s his exes. We could swap cars no issues we have the car back in his name and she gets the old clapped out one.

But thank a for you our input working mum.

It's irrelevant what your Dad paid out for you/your siblings in maintenance. The £500 being paid worked out on your OH's income doesn't take into account anything additional that is being bought for the child such as when you take him on days out or buy additional clothes.

thorsoak

missg2210 wrote: »

I have absolutely no quibbles over paying for a child... every man or woman should. Period.

I am at that stage where I want to do nice things & everyone is correct I cannot tell anyone what to do with their finances... but I always said if it started to affect us then something had to give & if that’s me going then fine.

I’m not sure where anyone got the £1200 from as it equates to about 6 times more. As for debt I actually helped sort all of that & that isn’t an issue.

Believe me I holiday 4 plus times a year and only 1 is ever with him so I do do that stuff for myself. I just feel like I want someone who wants to do more with me.

I’ll make a point I have never lived with anyone. I have always been very much on my own. I have the house to myself daily then I go to work & by then people in the house are home & in bed already. Tbh I like it like that so 18 months & not living together is no issue with me cos I was with my ex 5 years & we didn’t

Thank you for all the replies. It seems the conclusion is as I originally thought. Sometimes you just need someone else to say it

Apologies - it was me who quoted £1,200. What I meant to say is that between you, you are earning £120,000 and you are quibbling over £2,400.

The child is 3 years old - how long have you and your partner been together?