GENUINE Money Moral Dilemma!

Red-Squirrel_2

Mjkpio wrote: »

This kinda confuses me. I think it's perfectly fair to ask people to contribute to a honeymoon rather than a gift list of things that you don't want or need.

You're not supposed to 'ask' for anything. Present requests are for kids to send to Father Christmas.

I admit I seem to be old fashioned in this belief now, sadly.

warby68

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

You're not supposed to 'ask' for anything. Present requests are for kids to send to Father Christmas.

I admit I seem to be old fashioned in this belief now, sadly.

No, there's at least 2 of us.

Hate the honeymoon thing - greed not need - and really there is no such thing as a honeymoon when you've been living together for years. Its just cash for a jolly , on top of a wedding which probably cost a fair bit to attend.

So as to the OP's question, no way!

foxtrotoscar_2

Having not had a holiday for over ten years due to finances. I'd struggle to contribute to someone's request for money so they could have 'a holiday of a lifetime'.

ska_lover

Mjkpio wrote: »

This kinda confuses me. I think it's perfectly fair to ask people to contribute to a honeymoon rather than a gift list of things that you don't want or need.

Anyway, I thought it would be fun to post a genuine MMD and see the reactions!

It is pretty much normal these days. Things have changed a lot since the bottom drawer and folk giving toasters as people were setting up home. The world is not like that anymore

The only way a person could be upset by this request IMO, is if they were not planning to give a gift anyway..and the request makes them feel pressurised into doing so.

However where I am, everyone takes gifts to weddings to show their genuine good wishes..but does not have to cost to earth.

So much more genuine to give the newlyweds something they actually want or need. And is easier as a guest too!

moneyistooshorttomention

Pollycat wrote: »

Sorry that you're 'kinda confused'.
I personally don't think it's 'perfectly fair to ask people to contribute to a honeymoon' especially when you've been living together for years.
But some people seem to have a sort of entitlement.
I'd have wished you well and donated money to a more worthy cause.:cool:

I'm inclined to agree.

The thing is that originally (ie the era of wedding presents to be physical objects given for the sake of a couple setting up home together) most people expected to get married. So couple 1 gave to new couple 2 and it went "round and round" and probably about evened-out over time.

In this day and age - many people are remaining single (for one reason or another) and "wedding presents" would mean people who are "single and always ever will be" giving presents to "new married couple" after "new married couple" - but never getting any "wedding presents" back as their "return" for that. So - that means "all give by singles and all take by couples" and will never "even out" for some people. That when single people are (a LOT) worse off by definition than equivalent people that are in couples.

It's time for the whole tradition of wedding presents to be dropped now. Perhaps it could be changed to one of "Everyone gives everyone else a 'setting up home' present when they get their first self-contained home". That being the case whether it's their own or a rented one.

I put it forward as a thought that - 30 years back my brother (and his wife) were buying their starter house at the time of their marriage on the one hand and I was buying my starter house (on my own) on the other hand. So the one and only time I ever asked my parents for anything was that I said to them "You've just given my brother a wedding present on buying their starter house. Can I have a wedding present on buying my starter house?". Luckily, my father is a very logically-minded/fair person left to himself and told my mother this was to happen - and so I had my "wedding present" then and was given an equivalent amount of money to that just spent on household equipment for my brother.

The whole custom of "wedding presents" is now very outdated - considering just how many people remain single throughout their lives these days and therefore would only ever get a "wedding present" from their parents - and maybe not even get that with some parents.

gettingtheresometime

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

I'm inclined to agree.

The thing is that originally (ie the era of wedding presents to be physical objects given for the sake of a couple setting up home together) most people expected to get married. So couple 1 gave to new couple 2 and it went "round and round" and probably about evened-out over time.

In this day and age - many people are remaining single (for one reason or another) and "wedding presents" would mean people who are "single and always ever will be" giving presents to "new married couple" after "new married couple" - but never getting any "wedding presents" back as their "return" for that. So - that means "all give by singles and all take by couples" and will never "even out" for some people. That when single people are (a LOT) worse off by definition than equivalent people that are in couples.

It's time for the whole tradition of wedding presents to be dropped now. Perhaps it could be changed to one of "Everyone gives everyone else a 'setting up home' present when they get their first self-contained home". That being the case whether it's their own or a rented one.

I put it forward as a thought that - 30 years back my brother (and his wife) were buying their starter house at the time of their marriage on the one hand and I was buying my starter house (on my own) on the other hand. So the one and only time I ever asked my parents for anything was that I said to them "You've just given my brother a wedding present on buying their starter house. Can I have a wedding present on buying my starter house?". Luckily, my father is a very logically-minded/fair person left to himself and told my mother this was to happen - and so I had my "wedding present" then and was given an equivalent amount of money to that just spent on household equipment for my brother.

The whole custom of "wedding presents" is now very outdated - considering just how many people remain single throughout their lives these days and therefore would only ever get a "wedding present" from their parents - and maybe not even get that with some parents.

The saying 'you don't give to receive' springs to mind with that logic.

Mjkpio

Wow, people are incredibly judgmental on here, especially without all the facts!

1: The question was posted because I was interested to see what the reactions and comments would be. They absolutely confirmed my own views that reminding someone - who had made their planned intentions of giving a gift very clear - was not appropriate and to just leave it.

2: I NEVER asked for money or cash. We very politely and gently included it as an option should anyone wish to contribute. It was not expected or demanded, and not everyone did. People's attendance was enough, but the cards, presents and contributions were a real reminder of how much people cared for us.

3: Speaking specifically; we used a popular travel provider to book our honeymoon (which of course you can still have after living together for years, especially when you haven't been on holiday for 7 years prior!) who actually offer a "honeymoon contribution" website. We received so many kind comments and contributions.

I thought it would be nice to share our polite mention of gifts in our invite:

Please do not feel obliged to buy us a gift, your presence on our wedding day is the most important gift that you could give us. However, should you wish to contribute, we are hoping to make our honeymoon the trip of a lifetime. Please find the enclosed TrailFinders card for details

4: I have NEVER been to a wedding where a gift list or honeymoon contribution was not mentioned in the invite. I would never feel pressured into buying a gift, but always would because if the couple values me enough to be a part of their special day then I want to show my love and support for them as well. I find the mentality of "evening out gift giving" such a selfish motivation and the opposite of what showing love and support is all about.

5: Contributions to honeymoons are way more popular these days due to a) people living together for longer and already owning many household items that would typically have been on gift lists and b) the sheer expense of holiday's, especially honeymoons, especially when restricted to school holidays etc!

6. I understand the comments from single people. But that's not an excuse to be bitter. If you can't afford a gift then don't - your presence is more than enough anyway. If the couple doesn't respect that decision then that's on them, but if you feel that everything's an expense and an effort that you don't make the effort for then that's on you. I think often guests and couples forget the effort from both sides - guests forget that weddings are expensive, often costing £50-150 per head plus extras, the planning and all the details to ensure the guests are made welcome and have activities during the quieter parts of the day... and the couple forget the cost and efforts made by the guests to save the date, get an outfit, get there, stay over/get home etc. BUT, when everyone remembers this and really appreciates it, that's when there's a real harmony between family and friends.

Sorry, went on a bit there

TLDR; Never expect to receive or give a gift, but if you are going to then give because you want to not because you feel you have to. Weddings are about love and support, not about getting even with your gifts.

LandyAndy

PrettyKittyKat wrote: »

You've reminded them already so time to leave it.

We had a similar situation with our wedding. We got a cheque as a gift from the best man in our newly married name. We don't have a joint account so there was no way to cash it. My husband politely messaged him and asked if he would mind sending the cheque again in just my husbands name or we could send our bank details. The best man replied straight away and said send the bank details I'll get my missus to transfer it as that's easier. We did... and we've had no money. We have let it go. It is rude to pursue it any further.

Send him his cheque back.

Or

If he visits you, have it framed and hung on the wall.

moneyistooshorttomention

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

The saying 'you don't give to receive' springs to mind with that logic.

Obviously not - but a society that does all the giving to couples and none of the giving to singles has another word coming to mind = discrimination. Not "bitter" at all - just a statement of facts that things under the previous set-up exacerbated the financial division between singles and couples. Followed by thinking logically and thinking "There's unfairness going on here - from this 1950s era thinking".

People that attend weddings do tend to feel "pressured" to give a gift anyway - as it's put as "The Norm" to do so. Many people aren't strong enough to work things out logically and, if the end result means going against The Norm, then doing so.

Singles have it a lot harder anyway - that £2,000 pa on average of extra bills spending for a start. That's before we mention the tens of thousands of £s extra it takes a single person to buy a home - as there is only them to pay for it.

Marisco

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Obviously not - but a society that does all the giving to couples and none of the giving to singles has another word coming to mind = discrimination. Not "bitter" at all - just a statement of facts that things under the previous set-up exacerbated the financial division between singles and couples.

People that attend weddings do tend to feel "pressured" to give a gift anyway - as it's put as "The Norm" to do so. Many people aren't strong enough to work things out logically and, if the end result means going against The Norm, then doing so.

Singles have it a lot harder anyway - that £2,000 pa on average of extra bills spending for a start.

How do you work that out? With the exception of food, all other bills will be the same, whether there is one or two in the house/flat. In fact you get 25% off CT