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15yo and a 17yo boyfriend

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  • onomatopoeia99
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    (my daughter is 12 and call me a hypocrite but no way will she be allowed a boyfriend of any age at 15!)
    You're a hypocritem and all what you're suggesting means is that she won't tell you if she starts seeing someone. Is that really what you want your relationship with your daughter to be?
    Proud member of the wokerati, though I don't eat tofu.Home is where my books are.Solar PV 5.2kWp system, SE facing, >1% shading, installed March 2019.Mortgage free July 2023
  • Spendless
    Spendless Posts: 24,230 Forumite
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    Thanks for the responses, some of which have given me food for thought, some of which mirror my own (mixed up) emotions, and some have made me chuckle eg the attractiveness of 15yo boys in comparison. :D
    If you are ok for your daughter to have a boyfriend (my daughter is 12 and call me a hypocrite but no way will she be allowed a boyfriend of any age at 15!)
    Sorry to single you out fireflyaway, but good luck with that one. You can no more stop them than I can ban this one if that's what they want to do. Unless you accompany them everywhere they will find a way to meet up, and sneaking around to do it, makes it even more fun.

    When I use my logical head, I also have an 18yo son. He started growing up 5 weeks ago when he went to Uni and suddenly had to fend for himself. He's never been interested in the opposite sex (or the same sex) but if he'd fetched an 18yo girl home, I would have wondered what she saw in him or assumed she was very 'young' for her age. I'm struggling to apply the same logic to the situation with my daughter, cos I keep thinking boyfriend will legally be an adult within weeks whereas she'll still be 15. I do take the point one of you has raised that once she was 16, she could be dating and having sex with someone decades older, I've had the same thought myself.

    I also take on board (and have thought the same) that she could be having sex with another 15yo and nothing would happen legally. DD was told this in a sexual awareness class they had at school months ago. I have had a chat with her re this and am satisfied that they aren't doing anything yet and are prepared to wait. Thanks for the link about ages that was definitely informative

    The lad is from a bit of a chaotic household (daughter's words) with several siblings and their Mum plus eldest's brother's girlfriend all living in an overcrowded house, he's not working or at college and is signed off sick. However she's told me nothing about him in the way he treats her that causes me any concern.
  • Spendless
    Spendless Posts: 24,230 Forumite
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    Way too many variables to be considered with this sort of thing for a simple answer.
    Agreed, which is why I thought it would make for an interesting discussion whilst at the same time try to clarify the thought in my head.

    The majority view though is it's nothing to be concerned about and is quite commonplace.
  • Comms69
    Comms69 Posts: 14,229 Forumite
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    Spendless wrote: »
    Thanks for the responses, some of which have given me food for thought, some of which mirror my own (mixed up) emotions, and some have made me chuckle eg the attractiveness of 15yo boys in comparison. :D

    Sorry to single you out fireflyaway, but good luck with that one. You can no more stop them than I can ban this one if that's what they want to do. Unless you accompany them everywhere they will find a way to meet up, and sneaking around to do it, makes it even more fun.

    When I use my logical head, I also have an 18yo son. He started growing up 5 weeks ago when he went to Uni and suddenly had to fend for himself. He's never been interested in the opposite sex (or the same sex) but if he'd fetched an 18yo girl home, I would have wondered what she saw in him or assumed she was very 'young' for her age. I'm struggling to apply the same logic to the situation with my daughter, cos I keep thinking boyfriend will legally be an adult within weeks whereas she'll still be 15. I do take the point one of you has raised that once she was 16, she could be dating and having sex with someone decades older, I've had the same thought myself. - without being funny, she could be doing that now. I'd suggest it's not on her list of priorities. The only people that pay attention to the law are the parents. If teenagers want to have sex, they will. I suspect that in the majority of cases it actually isn't a priority.

    I also take on board (and have thought the same) that she could be having sex with another 15yo and nothing would happen legally. DD was told this in a sexual awareness class they had at school months ago. I have had a chat with her re this and am satisfied that they aren't doing anything yet and are prepared to wait. Thanks for the link about ages that was definitely informative

    The lad is from a bit of a chaotic household (daughter's words) with several siblings and their Mum plus eldest's brother's girlfriend all living in an overcrowded house, he's not working or at college and is signed off sick. However she's told me nothing about him in the way he treats her that causes me any concern.



    Again, just like she doesn't magically gain awareness of love and sex on the morning of her 16th Birthday, neither does he gain adult skills on his 18th.


    The reality is, in the vast majority of cases. 2 teenagers engaging in a consensual (yes I know legally she cant) relationship will both be fine.


    It seems we put so much pressure on sex, that as adults we forget it's fun. It's exciting. It's natural. And it doesn't cause any harm at all.


    I'm not advocating anything. Just suggesting that focusing on an arbitrary number in terms of age is not going to help anyone.


    I suspect most people had their first time with someone they aren't with now and don't regret it.
  • Fireflyaway
    Fireflyaway Posts: 2,766 Forumite
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    You're a hypocritem and all what you're suggesting means is that she won't tell you if she starts seeing someone. Is that really what you want your relationship with your daughter to be?

    Some would say it's hypocritical and I can understand that. However there are things I have done in life that I would encourage my daughter not to do. That's because you learn from mistakes. I want my daughter to be a better person than I was.
    I got into debt, so whereas I knew nothing about money as a teenager, I will teach her the importance of making sound choices and explain the consequences. Same with relationships.
    I don't think it's unrealistic to know where a 15 year old is and what they are doing. I'm hoping she will have self confidence and not seek validation via boys and will see that studying and having her own interests are better ways to spend time than having a boyfriend. I know in this culture many people will laugh at this. Having a boyfriend at even 13 is normal to many. To me it's not necessary. You are too young to marry. No reason to have a boyfriend.
  • Spendless
    Spendless Posts: 24,230 Forumite
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    I don't think it's unrealistic to know where a 15 year old is and what they are doing. I'm hoping she will have self confidence and not seek validation via boys and will see that studying and having her own interests are better ways to spend time than having a boyfriend. I know in this culture many people will laugh at this. Having a boyfriend at even 13 is normal to many. To me it's not necessary. You are too young to marry. No reason to have a boyfriend.
    They can tell you they are shopping with a mate, at the cinema, at ice skating and so on. You still wouldn't know if a) that is true or b) if they're meeting a boyfriend there. Unless they're at a same sex school then they can start up a relationship there with a member of the opposite sex. You won't be able to keep track 24/7

    Re confidence - again you don't know if it will take a knock via bullying like my daughter's has, and she was at the point of threatening suicide and we still didn't understand what the issue was or they can want to be like their peers and again you can't influence their friends or the way they think and there's also if nature throws a shedload of hormones at them. Even if they do extra curricular classes, my DD has done drama for the last 5 years, no guarantee they'll want to continue, boyfriend or not.

    I do wish it was as simple as thinking you can influence them to wait till later, you can't. My eldest one was 18 back in March, he's never had a girlfriend (or boyfriend). I've been no more able to influence him re dating than I have my daughter
  • Red-Squirrel_2
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    Stoke wrote: »
    I had girlfriends at school. High school crushes are normal, but seeing some 18 year old scrote rocking around with a 14 year old girlfriend used to make me want to throw up as a youngster. I don't feel overly different now. The reverse is obviously much less common, but did happen... feelings much the same really.

    That's a 4 year age gap, with one party substantially underage and one legally an adult..

    That's not what this thread is about, so no need to muddy the waters for the OP! 15 and 17 is very different to 18 and 14.
  • Red-Squirrel_2
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    Spendless wrote: »
    I have had a chat with her re this and am satisfied that they aren't doing anything yet and are prepared to wait.

    Can I respectfully ask if that was the entirety of the chat?

    If so, I'd revisit, and talk about what will/should happen if she decides not to wait. Contraception, safety from STIs, emotional impact, an of course the fact that she come to you to talk if she wants to.

    The last thing you want is for her to feel ready and want to have sex but to know that you'd be disappointed so see it as a secret she needs to hide from you.
  • Red-Squirrel_2
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    Some would say it's hypocritical and I can understand that. However there are things I have done in life that I would encourage my daughter not to do. That's because you learn from mistakes. I want my daughter to be a better person than I was.
    I got into debt, so whereas I knew nothing about money as a teenager, I will teach her the importance of making sound choices and explain the consequences. Same with relationships.
    I don't think it's unrealistic to know where a 15 year old is and what they are doing. I'm hoping she will have self confidence and not seek validation via boys and will see that studying and having her own interests are better ways to spend time than having a boyfriend. I know in this culture many people will laugh at this. Having a boyfriend at even 13 is normal to many. To me it's not necessary. You are too young to marry. No reason to have a boyfriend.

    You're waaay out of touch and in for a shock!

    Your daughter will not necessarily want to live by your values just because, she will have a mind (and aa body!) of her own.

    What does marriage have to do with early teenage relationships at 15?
  • Spendless
    Spendless Posts: 24,230 Forumite
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    Can I respectfully ask if that was the entirety of the chat?

    If so, I'd revisit, and talk about what will/should happen if she decides not to wait. Contraception, safety from STIs, emotional impact, an of course the fact that she come to you to talk if she wants to.

    The last thing you want is for her to feel ready and want to have sex but to know that you'd be disappointed so see it as a secret she needs to hide from you.
    No it wasn't the entirety. I haven't said previously but when we were in the middle of the school issues, we realised the mood swings from her were worse a week before her period. A chance conversation with a female relative and we discovered there had been several girls in the family with issues surrounding the time of the month, not just mood, but cramps and heavy/long duration. A visit to the Drs about it and she was prescribed the combined pill. This was a few months ago, long before boyfriend was on the scene, so we already had a talk when that happened about birth control, pill and condoms etc, so it was pretty easy to fetch this up again and cover the things you've mentioned.
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