15yo and a 17yo boyfriend

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My 15yo daughter has started seeing a 17yo boy, he's actually 18 next month, whereas she isn't 16 until Spring.

DD has recently changed schools. Very long story but we started having issues with her refusing school or attending but hiding herself away in an inclusion room attending 1 lesson a day at best. She started threatening to harm herself if we continued to send her to school. We ended up with camhs involvement and eventually she disclosed widespread verbal bullying of her which her school couldn't and didn't deal with. So she's changed schools on a managed move which isn't ideal given she's in yr11 but it's better than the situation we did have.

She is slowly settling into her new school and making new friends (old school her friendship group had reduced to just 1 girl). New school is only yrs 10-13 and it's the 'in-thing' there to have an older boyfriend. She has met boyfriend via a new schoolfriend.

Boyfriend has been signed off sick so isn't currently in college or working.

I'm not overly enthusiastic about it, but I know the quickest way to make him even more fascinating is to tell her I'm not keen.

Not entirely sure why I'm posting, I haven't got a question about it really, I suppose I'm trying to clarify my thoughts.
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  • Red-Squirrel_2
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    That age difference is fairly standard and nothing to worry about on its own.

    The concern is that your daughter is likely to be quite raw and vulnerable after what she’s been through. So keep her close, be supportive and loving and welcome the boyfriend into your lives so that you can see how he treats her and so that she will feel able to come to you with any issues.

    You never know, he might be a lovely young man, they do exist!
  • Marvel1
    Marvel1 Posts: 7,182 Forumite
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    When I was 17/18, I wasn't even thinking about schoolgirls.

    It's a tough for you as you say if you say something about him, it will do the opposite.
  • POPPYOSCAR
    POPPYOSCAR Posts: 14,897 Forumite
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    So sorry to hear of her problems at school.

    You hear this time and time again that schools are not dealing with these issues.

    My niece had to change schools when the bullying moved on to outside the school gates and her blouse was ripped.

    The school refused to do anything about it as it was not on school grounds.

    If it is any consolation she went on to be very happy at the new school, made lots of friends and went on to uni.

    All you can do it support her and not make the new boyfriend forbidden fruit which will make him more attractive to her.
  • redmel1621
    redmel1621 Posts: 6,002 Forumite
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    Have the discussion with her about safe sex (condoms) and maybe get her on the pill. Tell her she should never feel pressured into sex and if he is worth his weight then he will be happy to wait until she is 16 and it is legal. Explain that she she doesn't have to throw herself at him, to keep him interested. If he is interested then it will all work out without rushing into anything.

    You are right though, if you say anything negative about him she will see it as a reason to pull away from you and towards him.

    I hope she settles in her new school ok.
    Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
    Nothing is going to get better. It's not.
  • theoretica
    theoretica Posts: 12,344 Forumite
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    Do you think he is a genuine attachment, or just going through the motions to fit in?
    But a banker, engaged at enormous expense,
    Had the whole of their cash in his care.
    Lewis Carroll
  • Spendless
    Spendless Posts: 24,174 Forumite
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    theoretica wrote: »
    Do you think he is a genuine attachment, or just going through the motions to fit in?
    This is what I'm questioning in my head. Having had such a bad experience with her prev school peer group, is she just making it she's got 'street cred' with her new one. He is good looking as well as older and thru the eyes of a 15yo do they usually look for anything else at this age.
  • tightasagnats
    tightasagnats Posts: 391 Forumite
    edited 21 October 2018 at 10:21PM
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    Young Minds are very good and have a parents helpline, and also support young people themselves: tel:0808-802-5544

    https://youngminds.org.uk/

    Sometimes helps to talk through your concerns as you say.

    Good wishes
  • Red-Squirrel_2
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    Spendless wrote: »
    This is what I'm questioning in my head. Having had such a bad experience with her prev school peer group, is she just making it she's got 'street cred' with her new one. He is good looking as well as older and thru the eyes of a 15yo do they usually look for anything else at this age.

    A 15 year old girl going out with a nice looking 17 year old boy is totally normal behaviour. ;)
  • onomatopoeia99
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    Spendless wrote: »
    . New school is only yrs 10-13 and it's the 'in-thing' there to have an older boyfriend.
    Going back to the 1980s when I was a teenager, it seemed to be the in thing for my female contemporaries to have an older boyfriend as well. If he had a car, so much the better, his own place even better yet. If I look at couples my age, or my parents age, or my grandparents (long dead) age, it was always man older than woman, usually a few years. So it seems to have been the in thing for generations of women.


    Regarding your daughter, if she's only involved with him for status with other girls and doesn't actually care for him that much, then she's hardly going to be devastated if it all goes down the toilet.
    Proud member of the wokerati, though I don't eat tofu.Home is where my books are.Solar PV 5.2kWp system, SE facing, >1% shading, installed March 2019.Mortgage free July 2023
  • chesky
    chesky Posts: 1,341 Forumite
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    Lets be honest here, she's not going to look twice at a boy of her own age - 15 year old males aren't all that attractive.
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