Best advice to give to son?

TBagpuss

Yes, you've said he isn't sure what he wants to do, he isn't interested in visiting universities or researching the courses, he doesn't work well on his own and needs 'nudging'

Encourage him to think about what he really wants, both in terms of education, and longer term aspirations. Is he thinking of going to university because he really wants to go, or is he thinking of going because it feels like the easiest option than doesn't require him to make a decision about his longer term future, or because he feels you expect it of him, or all his mates are going.

it doesn't sound as though he is particularly interested or motivated. It might be better for him to look at what other options he has. Maybe looking at what job options he will have with his current qualifications, whether he might benefit from taking a year out and working / travelling.

I think the best advice to give him is to suggest that he talk to his current tutors and careers service for advice, that he think about what he actually wants, assuming that there is no presumption that he 'ought' to go into further education, or that he do so straight away.

redmel1621

Update:

After a good chat with him on Monday we have managed to establish that he definitely wants to go to uni next year and he definitely wants to move out. He realises that it is important to look at universities that are good in his field, but also that he needs to look at the course content to make sure it offers what he wants. He has arranged a couple of visits to universities locally and is also looking to visit ones further afield either on his own or with friends at college. Any open days we can't make we are going to contact and arrange to visit at a different time.

We discussed finances and he said that one of the things that had put him off the idea of moving out was that e didn't realise: A) how he would afford to pay for accommodation, and That accommodation was all arranged prior to going. He though he would have to travel to and from university while he found somewhere to live.

He is much happier now he understands how it works. The HNC will be kept as a back-up in case he doesn't meet the entry requirements of the universities he is choosing, although he will initially try to go through clearing, If it come to it, he will stay at home a further year to complete the HNC then move out the following year.

I'm so excited for him as he seems really keen on the idea (I think he always was he just doesn't talk much) and I think he will actually knuckle down a bit more at college in order to get the grades he needs, as he knows if he doesn't get in to ui he will be stuck here a further year lol.

He works at for a large national (international) company and checked with other lads he works with about whether he can transfer between stores if he moves away and they confirmed that is fine to do.

I think I handled it well: Mainly, I just questioned to allow him to think about his options and helped him understand the pros and cons of each option, but when it came down to it he was definitely far more on the side of moving out. I'm really excited for him and really happy with his decision; he knows the door is always open if needed.

Thanks for any advice and thoughts that have been shared on this thread.

phb40012

Stayed at home for the first 3 years of my 4 year degree. Went to a Uni a 1 hour bus/train ride away whilst living in home city. Whilst I probably didn’t have the ‘full Uni experience’ in doing so, I still made good lifelong friends at Uni with a good social life, whilst also maintaining my friendships in home city. I moved out in 4th year but stayed in home city as by that time I had also met my wife, so had another reason to stay. I moved into a shared Uni house, albeit with students from the Uni I my home city.

I don’t really feel that this disadvantaged me in any way. I did some growing up when I moved out, obviously, but that was basically just delayed a little. I’m very happy with my decisions. I think it depends on individual circumstances so as much as you will get opinions from everyone, it is a personal decision.

That said, I don’t think I would have coped living at home if sharing a room with siblings. No chance. Protected space to study at home in privacy is a must.

beanielou

Dont expect your DS to be spurred on by others efforts at uni.
It is up to him & him alone.

Savvy_Sue

I haven't read the whole thread, but ...

redmel1621 wrote: »

Update:

I think I handled it well: Mainly, I just questioned to allow him to think about his options and helped him understand the pros and cons of each option, but when it came down to it he was definitely far more on the side of moving out. I'm really excited for him and really happy with his decision; he knows the door is always open if needed.

FWIW, I think you handled it well too. I might have added earlier that I knew there was no point me saying what I thought would be best for my lads: it would have pushed them to do the opposite!

When we were doing the round of Open Days with each of them, DH only came to one, and was shocked at how pushy the staff were to US, encouraging us to encourage our offspring to choose THEIR course.

One of mine did go to the local Uni, which I thought at the time was a mistake, but he was adamant it was the best course for his subject. He was surprised when I told him he wouldn't get a room in halls at the start of the year (and I was right). He WAS offered a room within about a month (which I said might happen), and he never came back home. BTW, I didn't tell HIM I thought it was a mistake to stay local!

Spendless

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

He was surprised when I told him he wouldn't get a room in halls at the start of the year (and I was right). He WAS offered a room within about a month (which I said might happen), and he never came back home.

Why didn't he get a room in halls? Do you mean because he told them he was going to live at home then changed his mind?

OP- You haven't put anything so far, that I don't think my DS did. Mine started talking about Uni this time last year (he started last month). When I fetched it up with him recently he said he'd 'known' for several years he wanted to go, hadn't mentioned it to us though, he didn't really register that when I pointed it out, he though we'd just 'know' he wanted to go.

He wouldn't look around every Uni, refusing to go to the open day of the one he's actually at, it was only because there insist on an interview and once he had settled on that, he looked at one more, hated it on sight and was adamant he wasn't bothered about anywhere else.

He's on a foundation year due to his grades, but stopping at the same FE college for a further year to up his grade I didn't think a good option anyway - that they got their grades 3 weeks later than the rest of the country spoke volumes to me. This way just means we fund him a year longer than expected.

The person he was at FE college and the person he is at Uni (just 5 weeks in) are completely different.

Savvy_Sue

Spendless wrote: »

Why didn't he get a room in halls? Do you mean because he told them he was going to live at home then changed his mind?

No, he never had any intention of living at home!

But I have some experience of how university accommodation works. We live about a mile away from the main set of halls. I knew that priority in halls would be given to people from abroad; people with special needs; and people whose home address wasn't within commuting distance. Not necessarily in that order, of course.

So I didn't just say "you won't get a room in halls immediately": I asked him if HE thought they should give him priority over the three groups above - and I think you'll agree I had a point! I did say "you might get a room later in the term because some people will drop out." So I was right there as well.

Spendless

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

No, he never had any intention of living at home!

But I have some experience of how university accommodation works. We live about a mile away from the main set of halls. I knew that priority in halls would be given to people from abroad; people with special needs; and people whose home address wasn't within commuting distance. Not necessarily in that order, of course.

So I didn't just say "you won't get a room in halls immediately": I asked him if HE thought they should give him priority over the three groups above - and I think you'll agree I had a point! I did say "you might get a room later in the term because some people will drop out." So I was right there as well.

At DS university, you were guaranteed halls if you put the Uni as your first choice. This was the same at the other (ex polys) we looked at (admittedly not that many). I'd sort of assumed all Unis worked the same. Son's uni even said they'd guarantee them first choice of which halls (they have about 6 diff ones) if he was to make them 1st choice.

happyandcontented

Often, those within close travelling distance do not get a guarantee of accommodation.

redmel1621

Spendless wrote: »

OP- You haven't put anything so far, that I don't think my DS did. Mine started talking about Uni this time last year (he started last month). When I fetched it up with him recently he said he'd 'known' for several years he wanted to go, hadn't mentioned it to us though, he didn't really register that when I pointed it out, he though we'd just 'know' he wanted to go.

He wouldn't look around every Uni, refusing to go to the open day of the one he's actually at, it was only because there insist on an interview and once he had settled on that, he looked at one more, hated it on sight and was adamant he wasn't bothered about anywhere else.

He's on a foundation year due to his grades, but stopping at the same FE college for a further year to up his grade I didn't think a good option anyway - that they got their grades 3 weeks later than the rest of the country spoke volumes to me. This way just means we fund him a year longer than expected.

The person he was at FE college and the person he is at Uni (just 5 weeks in) are completely different.

Your comment about the foundation year vs the extra year at college is one we need to think about.
If he opted for the foundation year at university, would it effectively be classed as a 4 year course, meaning he would get student finance funding for the full 4 years? Do students on a foundation year get the option to move into halls for their foundation year, as well as year 1 of their course?

It is something to consider certainly.