Wedding politics

borkid

How many people can sit at the top table? As a compromise and if possible numbers wise, how about sitting your dad next to the end and his girlfriend at the end. Thus no one else will need to sit next to her but she will still be on the top table so not offend your dad.
Lots of good advice has already been given re the photos.

seven-day-weekend

will6532 wrote: »

Hi all, getting married to my partner. My dad has been with his girlfriend 3-4 years. The whole family dislikes her (my grandma, my siblings, me, potentially my aunts and uncles too). My dad is not aware of how we feel as it is not our business. My girlfriend also particularly despises her, I am not sure my girlfriend has even seen her in the past year.
To be very clear - we are going to invite my dad's partner to the wedding
However my partner doesn't want her seated at the top table, nor does she want her in any family photos. My mum has remarried to a great man who she has been with around 10 years. He would be in the photos and at the top table.
I haven't told my dad these things yet but I know it's going to go down like a lead balloon. Wondering what people think is acceptable?
A second issue is my dads girlfriend wants her daughter to come who we hardly know. Money is really tight for us (we are paying for the whole wedding) and we have really carefully selected who we can invite to the meal etc. We really cannot afford nor want to pay for her daughter.
I am curious to know if people think we are going to have to do these things or if my dad should understand?

I think it is just plain wrong not to treat your dad's partner on an equal footing with your mother's partner, and could greatly upset your father.

He has chosen her, they are a couple, either put her and your stepfather at the top table, or neither of them.

I don't think you need invite the daughter.

happyandcontented

will6532 wrote: »

Hi all, getting married to my partner. My dad has been with his girlfriend 3-4 years. The whole family dislikes her (my grandma, my siblings, me, potentially my aunts and uncles too). My dad is not aware of how we feel as it is not our business. My girlfriend also particularly despises her, I am not sure my girlfriend has even seen her in the past year.
To be very clear - we are going to invite my dad's partner to the wedding
However my partner doesn't want her seated at the top table, nor does she want her in any family photos. My mum has remarried to a great man who she has been with around 10 years. He would be in the photos and at the top table.
I haven't told my dad these things yet but I know it's going to go down like a lead balloon. Wondering what people think is acceptable?
A second issue is my dads girlfriend wants her daughter to come who we hardly know. Money is really tight for us (we are paying for the whole wedding) and we have really carefully selected who we can invite to the meal etc. We really cannot afford nor want to pay for her daughter.
I am curious to know if people think we are going to have to do these things or if my dad should understand?

Why would you pre-judge how others would react?

Why does she despise her? Has something happened to make that reasonable?

suki1964

Haven't read all the thread

As Stepmother to the bride ( and well loved by the family ) I stopped back and accepted I wasn't going to be top table and that my husband would be sat net to his ex wife

I sat at the same table as ex wifes Partner

did it bother us? Not at all. We weren't the parents.

As I see it, the top table is for Bride and groom, parents both side, best man and bridesmaids, ie the wedding party.

The rest are just guests

will6532

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies. My dad has been put under a lot of pressure to ensure his partners 28 year old daughter is invited. I think you are right the solution could be to have neither of my parents partners at the top table. Or alternative we may have to invite the daughter, in which case my dads partner would want to sit with her over sat with him (ie she wouldn’t want her to sit on her own). Unless she expects the daughter to also sit on the top table. Which could cause a real mess.

borkid

will6532 wrote: »

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies. My dad has been put under a lot of pressure to ensure his partners 28 year old daughter is invited. I think you are right the solution could be to have neither of my parents partners at the top table. Or alternative we may have to invite the daughter, in which case my dads partner would want to sit with her over sat with him (ie she wouldn’t want her to sit on her own). Unless she expects the daughter to also sit on the top table. Which could cause a real mess.

Good grief when I read your first post I thought the daughter was teenage or younger. A 28 year old is an independant adult and shouldn't expect to tag along with her mum.

silvercar

borkid wrote: »

Good grief when I read your first post I thought the daughter was teenage or younger. A 28 year old is an independant adult and shouldn't expect to tag along with her mum.

I thought the same and was waiting for someone to say how difficult it would be to find a babysitter for all day.

Marvel1

borkid wrote: »

Good grief when I read your first post I thought the daughter was teenage or younger. A 28 year old is an independant adult and shouldn't expect to tag along with her mum.

Unless they learning difficulties or something the mum is the carer.

Gavin83

will6532 wrote: »

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies. My dad has been put under a lot of pressure to ensure his partners 28 year old daughter is invited. I think you are right the solution could be to have neither of my parents partners at the top table. Or alternative we may have to invite the daughter, in which case my dads partner would want to sit with her over sat with him (ie she wouldn’t want her to sit on her own). Unless she expects the daughter to also sit on the top table. Which could cause a real mess.

She probably will, although it should soften the blow with your dad if you sit them both elsewhere and your dad at the head table, it's at least a good excuse. If you don't want to invite the daughter (I wouldn't blame you) and you really don't want the girlfriend at the head table I think sitting the step dad elsewhere as well is the best solution to avoid a falling out.

I got married a month ago and I feel your pain, wedding politics is complicated!

onlyroz

Which is why I had a small wedding with 20 guests, no fancy dinners, no speeches and no seating arrangements.

I suggest you either:
- Invite just the girlfriend and have her at the top table with your dad
- Invite the girlfriend and her daughter and use this as an excuse to have them all sitting at a separate table.

As for photos, just ensure that plenty are taken with different groups. I don't see why it matters if the girlfriend is in a few of them. And in general the better pictures will be the "candids" taken as the photographer roams among the guests as they're having fun.