Wedding politics

will6532

Hi all, getting married to my partner. My dad has been with his girlfriend 3-4 years. The whole family dislikes her (my grandma, my siblings, me, potentially my aunts and uncles too). My dad is not aware of how we feel as it is not our business. My girlfriend also particularly despises her, I am not sure my girlfriend has even seen her in the past year.
To be very clear - we are going to invite my dad's partner to the wedding
However my partner doesn't want her seated at the top table, nor does she want her in any family photos. My mum has remarried to a great man who she has been with around 10 years. He would be in the photos and at the top table.
I haven't told my dad these things yet but I know it's going to go down like a lead balloon. Wondering what people think is acceptable?
A second issue is my dads girlfriend wants her daughter to come who we hardly know. Money is really tight for us (we are paying for the whole wedding) and we have really carefully selected who we can invite to the meal etc. We really cannot afford nor want to pay for her daughter.
I am curious to know if people think we are going to have to do these things or if my dad should understand?

svain

I guess it depends on how you value your relationship with your Dad .... Seems a small compromise to invite his long term girlfriend and her Daughter to keep him happy.

will6532

Yes we are inviting the girlfriend

maman

svain wrote: »

I guess it depends on how you value your relationship with your Dad .... Seems a small compromise to invite his long term girlfriend and her Daughter to keep him happy.

I agree. It's not as if your dad is a distant relative!


Loads of people invite 'plus ones' to weddings who they may never have even met. 4 years is quite an established relationship.


One suggestion I would make is not to have a 'top table' as such. For my DDs wedding we had a series of round tables dotted round the room so there was no special singling out of a large group. Then you can spread people round better and put your dad, his girlfriend and her daughter with some of your more mature, responsible and tactful family or friends who will make an effort to make them feel welcome.

CRANKY40

Just a passing thought - if you're not sitting your dad's girlfriend at the top table you could use inviting her daughter as an excuse why - you don't want daughter sitting with strangers and she doesn't belong on the top table. Also maybe your dad would feel better about his girlfriend not being on the top table if she has someone to sit with and talk to. Inviting the daughter is probably a really good move in this respect so it might be worth biting the bullet and finding the extra funds as a way of moving the girlfriend neatly to one side.

will6532

maman wrote: »

One suggestion I would make is not to have a 'top table' as such. For my DDs wedding we had a series of round tables dotted round the room so there was no special singling out of a large group. Then you can spread people round better and put your dad, his girlfriend and her daughter with some of your more mature, responsible and tactful family or friends who will make an effort to make them feel welcome.

Lol why would we change our entire seating arrangements to something we don't want at our own wedding, to suit one person who none of us like?

will6532

CRANKY40 wrote: »

Just a passing thought - if you're not sitting your dad's girlfriend at the top table you could use inviting her daughter as an excuse why - you don't want daughter sitting with strangers and she doesn't belong on the top table. Also maybe your dad would feel better about his girlfriend not being on the top table if she has someone to sit with and talk to. Inviting the daughter is probably a really good move in this respect so it might be worth biting the bullet and finding the extra funds as a way of moving the girlfriend neatly to one side.

This is actually an excellent idea thank you! But what of the photos...?

System

will6532 wrote: »

Lol why would we change our entire seating arrangements to something we don't want to suit one person who none of us like?

Because otherwise it's completely clear what you've done !! My god lol !! There's no way of getting round the fact that you've purposely moved her off the top table...you know that, your partner knows that, your dad will know that and everyone else will !

will6532

andydownes123 wrote: »

Because otherwise it's completely clear what you've done !! My god lol !! There's no way of getting round the fact that you've purposely moved her off the top table...you know that, your partner knows that, your dad will know that and everyone else will !

It's OK inviting the daughter solves that issue

Gavin83

Firstly I'll say I don't think you should invite the daughter. She's nothing to do with you and you barely know her. Given that they haven't even made a contribution to the wedding they've zero say in who's invited.

On the other subject while it's your wedding and you're free to do what you want I don't really think you could hold it against your dad if he chose not to attend. You're basically telling him his partner isn't as important as your mothers partner and he'll see it that your mum is more important to you than him. He won't take this particularly well and you can't really blame him.

I've been to weddings where no step parents have been on the top table and some where they all are. I guess you could suggest that because they're married you've sat your step dad on the top table but I'm not sure this'll work.

In your shoes (and believe me I've been there) I'd probably sit the partner at the top table but of course it is your choice.

I'm curious, if you liked her would you sit her at the top table/have her in photos or is it because you don't believe they'll be together long term?

es5595

Regarding the photos, get your photographer (and any assistants) on side, explain clearly who you want in each group and the photos you don’t want her in.
For instance, “brides parents and siblings with their husbands/wives”, then “brides parents and siblings with their partners and plus ones”. Or give a list of names and get them to call out specific names.
When it moves onto your side of the family the married/partners will have been separated, you can take photos with just your dad, photos will also be taken including the gf but they can be deleted at review.