Massive relationship problems

TBagpuss

hentu wrote: »

Thanks all.

Its really difficult for me to expalin the full situation. Finances, she controls 90%. Going legal wont work. It would be far from a simple case.

"Sitting down" wont work, I tried before. She will revert to type and argue it and then just get madder and madder. You wont understand unless you have seen someone like this. They dont even hear what you are saying. The last time I tried it took around 3 months for us to recover any form of normal life.

I am going to try and get her to see someone, I think that's the best thing for now.

I think I just have to accept the friends and family are gone and we maybe just try and build a new life when she is better with new friends.

I think that you are probably letting your experiences cloud your judgement. One of the very common features of an abusive relationship is for the abuser to undermine their victim, including his or her belief in themself and their ability to make changes.

I'm sure things are complicated, and there may not be perfect solution, but it is likely that if you get good advice from an experienced solicitor, they will be able to suggest some options which leave you with better options than "stay in an abusive relationship" or "end up with nothing".

Your wife is not going to "get better" unless she recognises that she has a problem, and seeks help. And even then she won't change quickly, and probably not permanently, so you need to start thinking about how you move forward if your wife doesn't change or get better. You are probably not going to get to a point where you can keep new friends, unless your wife changes first. And right now, from what you say, she doesn't want to change, and is not prepared to take any steps to get help.

Take things one step at a time. Ask for help. See a counsellor or therapist so you have some support, start to think about your long and short term options for if and when you do decide to leave. You don't have to do everything at once.

Talk to a solicitor. Just because you see someone, doesn't mean you have to start divorce proceedings straight away, or to get injunctions . You can start by getting bit of advice s you know what your choices are.

Kayalana99

If the company doesn't survive the employees will get new jobs (harsh but life, it happens)

If she takes even all the money, isn't it better to be able to start over with nothing then be unhappy with everything?

Voyager2002

Some thoughts on the OP:

Clearly you are suffering the consequences of a long-term abusive relationship. One well-documented consequence is that you are in a place where it is simply not possible to see how things could be resolved. As others have said, for this you need the support of a solicitor and accountant. You said "going legal will not work" but you are not in a position to make that judgment.

And your old friends: they were driven away by her so they understand precisely what is going on and perhaps think of you sadly. If you explain that you are no longer with her and now need their support I believe that many of them would ensure that they were "there" for you.

I have to agree with the other posters that allowing the present situation to continue would be the very worst of your options.

Out,_Vile_Jelly

hentu wrote: »

Her last friend abandoned her about 2 years ago, zero contact since - someone she knew since school and was close with. She talks about them all every day, saying things like she wishes they were dead or had cancer. She says things like if I were to die in an accident she would not tell my family and have me cremated and never tell them.

Why on earth do you want to spend any more time in the company of this appalling person.

Yes divorce can be messy and splitting a business complicated, but you can't spend the rest of your life listening to this sort of poison. You have to ask yourself what price you put on a life surrounded by normal, polite, easy going people.

You are educated and have business skills. You can make a new life for yourself if you want it.

Primrose

Your wife seems to have a very poisoned mind and I very much doubt, if she is saying such evil things about former friends, and about you, her husband, whether things will ever change. I suspect you are merely deluding yourself as a delaying tactic because tackling these issues head on probably just seems too overwhelming at the moment.


You have two choices in how you get out of this relationship, for this what you must surely do if your mental health is not to be wrecked.


1. You can "go nuclear", ie just walk out, find alternative accommodation and take it from there.
2. You can quietly and purposefully plot your exit route, talking to a solicitor, your accountant, and trying to renew former relationships with family so that you have some support while you navigate the rocks.


Decision time!
You have come onto this forum for advice.
Now you have to decide which path to take, but doing nothing for the rest of your life and enduring this misery is not really a viable option, is it ?

Perhaps sit down and write two detailed list of things you need to do and actions you need to take.
The first list should be priority items, the second list are things which perhaps should be done further down the line.


Please don't just sit and do nothing. It may be hard taking back control of your life, but every little thing you succeed in doing will hopefully rebuild your very low self confidence and convince you that you do still have the capacity to make a new life for yourself.

motorguy

hentu wrote: »

Thanks all.

Its really difficult for me to expalin the full situation. Finances, she controls 90%. Going legal wont work. It would be far from a simple case.

"Sitting down" wont work, I tried before. She will revert to type and argue it and then just get madder and madder. You wont understand unless you have seen someone like this. They dont even hear what you are saying. The last time I tried it took around 3 months for us to recover any form of normal life.

I am going to try and get her to see someone, I think that's the best thing for now.

I think I just have to accept the friends and family are gone and we maybe just try and build a new life when she is better with new friends.

And whats the odds of that happening?

She has a personality disorder and is making no attempt to get help and / or control it.

Personally, i'd be giving her a binary choice - either she acknowledges she has a problem and seeks help right now OR you leave like everyone else has.

It will be difficult to make the break and may take a couple of years, but you're in for a lifetime of pain in the relationship you're in. Lifes too short to put up with this sort of abuse. Long term benefits....

motorguy

Primrose wrote: »

Your wife seems to have a very poisoned mind and I very much doubt, if she is saying such evil things about former friends, and about you, her husband, whether things will ever change. I suspect you are merely deluding yourself as a delaying tactic because tackling these issues head on probably just seems too overwhelming at the moment.


You have two choices in how you get out of this relationship, for this what you must surely do if your mental health is not to be wrecked.


1. You can "go nuclear", ie just walk out, find alternative accommodation and take it from there.
2. You can quietly and purposefully plot your exit route, talking to a solicitor, your accountant, and trying to renew former relationships with family so that you have some support while you navigate the rocks.


Decision time!
You have come onto this forum for advice.
Now you have to decide which path to take, but doing nothing for the rest of your life and enduring this misery is not really a viable option, is it ?

Perhaps sit down and write two detailed list of things you need to do and actions you need to take.
The first list should be priority items, the second list are things which perhaps should be done further down the line.


Please don't just sit and do nothing. It may be hard taking back control of your life, but every little thing you succeed in doing will hopefully rebuild your very low self confidence and convince you that you do still have the capacity to make a new life for yourself.

+1

I think the planning and doing it is a great idea. I would imagine if the O/P reaches out to family and explains whats been happening they will be very supportive.

Savvy_Sue

hentu wrote: »

I am going to try and get her to see someone, I think that's the best thing for now.

I think I just have to accept the friends and family are gone and we maybe just try and build a new life when she is better with new friends.

And if she won't see someone, or that person is no help? You cannot build a new life without ending the old one ...

TBagpuss wrote: »

Your wife is not going to "get better" unless she recognises that she has a problem, and seeks help. And even then she won't change quickly, and probably not permanently, so you need to start thinking about how you move forward if your wife doesn't change or get better. You are probably not going to get to a point where you can keep new friends, unless your wife changes first. And right now, from what you say, she doesn't want to change, and is not prepared to take any steps to get help.

Take things one step at a time. Ask for help. See a counsellor or therapist so you have some support, start to think about your long and short term options for if and when you do decide to leave. You don't have to do everything at once.

Talk to a solicitor. Just because you see someone, doesn't mean you have to start divorce proceedings straight away, or to get injunctions . You can start by getting bit of advice s you know what your choices are.

Yup, absolutely.

Primrose wrote: »

Your wife seems to have a very poisoned mind and I very much doubt, if she is saying such evil things about former friends, and about you, her husband, whether things will ever change. I suspect you are merely deluding yourself as a delaying tactic because tackling these issues head on probably just seems too overwhelming at the moment.


You have two choices in how you get out of this relationship, for this what you must surely do if your mental health is not to be wrecked.

1. You can "go nuclear", ie just walk out, find alternative accommodation and take it from there.
2. You can quietly and purposefully plot your exit route, talking to a solicitor, your accountant, and trying to renew former relationships with family so that you have some support while you navigate the rocks.

Decision time!
You have come onto this forum for advice.
Now you have to decide which path to take, but doing nothing for the rest of your life and enduring this misery is not really a viable option, is it ?

Perhaps sit down and write two detailed list of things you need to do and actions you need to take.
The first list should be priority items, the second list are things which perhaps should be done further down the line.

Please don't just sit and do nothing. It may be hard taking back control of your life, but every little thing you succeed in doing will hopefully rebuild your very low self confidence and convince you that you do still have the capacity to make a new life for yourself.

Agreed. Start those lists! or leave without ...

Mela322

I'm sorry but I don't see this as fixable. No amount of counselling or medication is going to change a person unless they WANT to change. Someone that has been like this for a very long time, it becomes a habit. I speak from experience. The person had loads of help. At one point, she had a child. She made sure that this baby would need loads of therapy. The baby was only 2.5 when she was already planning what special needs help he would get when he went to school and he would get special insurance and she would get more money and more attention. He was not special needs. Needless to say, she never changed her ways, she just altered them to look innocent but then they cottoned on to her. Her child went into foster care and is now going to be adopted. They gave her 2 years to get sorted but no amount of help could get her to want to change! She wouldn't change for her own child and now has lost him!

My neighbour has serious mental health issues. She is on our back constantly but we don't give into her. She is constantly yelling at her adult son and her husband. I believe he sleeps in his car! He wont leave, too much to lose.

I don't understand that, your health and well being is more important than money. So what, you might have to work a normal job for the rest of your life. That sounds much better than working for yourself...but then again, you're not, you're working for her and she is destroying every ounce of who you were. You need to look after yourself. You have done everything you can for your wife but a marriage is a 2 way street.

Primrose

Another new day hentu.
What little thing are you going to do today to set your new life rolling?


It doesn't have to be a huge one if you're doubting your ability your solve this problem but you have to make a start somewhere.


So perhaps start checking out suitable solicitors who specialise in family issues if you don't already have a solicitor?


Or write out a list of questions which come into your mind to talk through with a solicitor or accountant?


Or start setting up a separate online bank account to which your wife doesn't have access?


Or start collect together your personal documents (passport, driving licence, insurance policies) and store them in a safe place, possibly in a safe deposit at your local bank if you don't have family who can look after for them?


The reality seems that your wife is not going to seek counselling or is prepared to do anything to make this marriage viable despite your hopes of this being a solution. . At some point you will have to do something to save and protect yourself from further abuse.


Please don't give up in despair. Having a purposeful plan and going steadily about it with start to help you feel there is light at the end of the tunnel.