Massive relationship problems

smartpicture

Could you suggest to her that its time to start succession planning for the business so that you can both semi-retire in due course and spend more time together because the company will be better able to run without both of you, albeit with a reduced income, because you employ people to do part/all of the jobs you do? Once that is in place, you would have more options about leaving. It might take a year to put in place, but would give you an end date in sight?

BrassicWoman

hentu wrote: »

I have tried to tell her, I have tried to get her help. She went to see someone once via the GP and it made her worse. They basically laughed at her when they asked her questions like what do you do for a living etc. The councillor basically said you need to go and see someone private and not waste NHS money. She felt really upset by it all. Now she wont see anyone.
.

How convenient for her.


My NHS counsellor did not discuss money with me at all, because that is not their job. It would be very unusual, and unprofessional for this to have happened, so my gut tells me it didn't.


The question for you is, what do you care about more, health, or money?


Cos right now you are staying for money.

goodwithsaving

It sounds like it is beyond counselling and too much animosity has built. It's sad, but it happens. Many of us on here have been very much tied in financially to an alcoholic, a depressive etc. and there has been the unknown jump.
The worst thing is making the decision and actioning it. Once you decide that your own sanity is worth more than the house, the car etc. and you make the decision to leave, it's a weight lifted. There's only so much destructive behaviour anyone can live with.

Sure, it takes a while to get back on your feet, but it's worth it.

And plenty of people do job working for others until they're 70+. That's life. What else are you going to do, be miserable for the next 25+ years?


She may not be helping herself, but there is only so much sacrifice on the quality of your own life that can be made. I still see my ex in self-destruct mode and it saddens me, but I sure as hell am glad I got out!

Seanymph

I guess my question is this;

How do you think staying with her is helping her?

Anoneemoose

I have no experience apart from an abusive relationship with an alcoholic, but is it possible to get in touch with an abuse charity who may possibly be able to give legal advice to see what you can do to protect your finances somewhat? I don’t know if they exist of course, but you need to do something to protect yourself, so might be worth trying.

You say you wouldn’t get a job, but you don’t know that. Especially with your experience. And even if you worked for minimum wage, you would probably be better off financially than you are now, given how controlling she is. Yes, you may not have as big a house or whatever, and i understand that would be a huge change, but you would have a life. A life where you can choose to do what you want, when you want.

I was quite lucky - my marriage to a gambling alcoholic lasted 18 months..because I decided I couldn’t put up with it any more and there was more to life. I appreciate it won’t be as easy when you’ve been with someone so long, but your life is worth it.

bugslet

hentu wrote: »

We are financially linked, we cant easily divorce. We met at university and started our own company we came up with the idea together and its quite a unique company and neither of us would be able to sustain our lifestyle without it. The business makes good money, we employ a few people too and I would not want to let them down some of our longest serving employees have been with us since the start almost 20 years now. She does not work at the office each day but she watches our security cameras and will call me to question what time I get into work, when I go out for lunch and that kind of thing. She is watching me 24/7.

She controls every aspect of my life, although we have a lot of money I don't have easy access to any of it. I get a credit card which I have to use for daily spending and she gets the bill at the end of month and goes over it all and questions anything that she does not think is ok. Recently she has been telling me to spend less.

Have you ever sat down and worked figures out about what would happen if you closed the company.

Whilst the first thing is to get her help, if you cannot get her to help herself - and it's evident that you are both caring and patient -then you have to accept that you can do no more for her but be in the background to help support her when/if she realises she needs help.

So back to thinking about finishing the company. Just do it as an exercise, you don't have to go through with it. Without knowing the figures, I am guessing that after 20 years, your ideal would be to sell and if that is not possible because it is too dependant on yourself and your wife, then what would happen if you wound it up? Financially you would have the assets ( I presume a 51% -49% split if it's a limited company?). What does that half look like - assets sold, what's left after creditors are paid off? What is in your pension, do you have savings? It might be time to sit down with your IFA and look at what returns you could get without working on an annual basis. The lifestyle you have, is it worth the hours of misery?

As for staff, I have made peace with the notion that one day the company will end (I'm not going to live forever) and if they have been around for a long time, then you must have been a good employer and that is more than many people get - you cannot look after them all of your or their lives. It took me a long time to get my head around that, my longest serving employee has been with me 28 years, it is a hard thing to do, to look someone in the eye and tell them that the job they have had is going. All you can do is try and make the exit process the best it can be, transferring them over, excellent references, calling other firms on their behalf to get a new job.

Get your own credit card with online only statements, it's nothing to do with her and change your cameras so she doesn't have access.

i know you feel that you have no choices and that's understandable given how low you feel, but you do have choices - it's only about if you want to make them.

Please let us know what you do.

TBagpuss

OP, I am sorry that you are experiencing this. What you describe does sound like an abusive relationship and sadly it is very unlikely that you wife will change. If anything, it is likely to continue to get worse.
For things to change or improve, she would need to be able to accept that there was a problem and be prepared to put a lot of effort into making changes.

Separating yourself from her will be hard. You have 10-15 years of habit to overcome, as well as all the practical difficulties, and it is really hard to break out of the pattern of the relationship. You may find it helpful to seek counselling or support irectly yourself.

If you are male, then you may find that the Mankind Initiative is a helpful place to start.


If you do decide to separate, then a solicitor will be able to help and advise you. There are things which can be done to try to stop or minimise your wife's ability to destroy the company. In the short term, think about succession planning. Think about your wife's role in the business, and what type of person would need to be recruited if she were to become unwell or otherwise unable to carry out her role. Think about how you can start to train or recruit someone who can do that type of work, (bear in mind that her roles may not be one which is would be logical to have a single person doing, if you were designing the role from scratch. It may be that there are elements of her current role which could be done by existing employees and that the 'missing' skills are fairly narrow! Think about the same sorts of questions in relation to your own role.

Think about what would need to be done to stop either of you being able to sabotage the business, if necessary. (e.g. if you both currently have unfettered access to the business funds, consider whether it is worth suggesting a new policy needing 2 signatures, or needing your cashiers department to set up payments/transfers and have them authorised)

That way, if you do leave, you can get your solicitor to contact her very early on to set out expectations in relation to the business and you can be ready to look at how to fill the gaps if she does try anything silly. In a worst-case scenario you might be able to apply for an injunction to freeze assets or limit her access to them, in order to preserve the business.

Think about what other assets you have - property, pensions etc. Divorce almost always involves a drop in standards of living as two households are more expensive than one, but that doesn't necessarily mean you would have to wind up in a 9-5 grind you didn't want, or that you would have to leave with nothing.

The outcome might be letting her buy you out of the business (if she then runs in into the ground because she can't get a new manager to accept being the treated the way she treats you, then that would, at that point, be her problem)

Grenage

Life's too short; ending the relationship is the only sane action, regardless of consequences.

pinkshoes

There is NO amount of money that would make me stay in a relationship like that.

You need to grow a pair and tell her you have had enough. Stop being such a push over and stand up to her. Half the money is yours.

Tell her she either stops controlling you or you will divorce her and she can buy you out of the business.

thorsoak

My question is - what do you get out of this relationship? Why are you still married to someone who treats you like this? My advice to you? RUN, RUN, RUN!